Wow...I had a lesson in relationship tonight just by sitting in a cafe and trying to get some work done...after I was there about one hour, a couple sat down next to me and launched right into talking about their relationship - she said she didn't know why they were there, he told her what she thought...she said she wanted to be able to rely on him more, he asked her if she has any friends she relies on more than she relies on him, she said she wanted to be listened to more and didn't want him to tell her what she thinks, he said he doesn't tell her what she thinks...
It was an amazingly sad conversation to hear, because it was so very obvious that their potential for reconciliation was doomed. Not once in the entire time they sat there did he validate her words - instead he tried to out-maneuver her with his "wit and wisdom." It was strange how much he seemed to think that sounding smart was what would win her over - and that telling her what she thought and felt would somehow make her see things his way...and it was also painful to realize that I used to do the exact same thing...
Hearing them made me think that, no matter what happens with my M, I never want to be that kind of man again - he sounded arrogant, indifferent, obsessed with power and control, and completely disrespectful...and so damn familiar that it drove me crazy...just before they sat down next to me I was reading a journal entry from December 2005 - from the week before my wife had her affair - and it was filled with comments about how I did not trust her, did not feel comfortable in her love, etc...here's a paragraph from that journal entry:
"Let’s see – what does W get from this relationship? rent, clothes, food, material things, more income than her own, and the freedom (at least as she sees it/takes it) not to have to work very often. What else? Not much – so that’s easy for her to replace – and maybe she’s becoming more aware of that. What do I get from this marriage? Love? Not really. Support? Not at all. Any material advantages? No. I know this marriage is a mistake – I know that it won’t last more than a few years – if that – any yet I’m too stupid to just make it plain that I would rather take care of myself without her."
I read this and see that I had become resentful - and was pushing her away - and as I pushed her away, I was surprised that she pulled away more - and so I pushed her further away and the terrible cycle continued...until she finally had her affair just two days after I wrote that paragraph...I was angry and hurt - and felt used and taken advantage of...but does that justify her having an affair? She says it does...so too did our MC - who said that I pushed her into it...(I could not believe that our MC said that)...
Well...that's it for now...I have work to do...and want to clear my head of my W before I go to bed...
Anyone reading any good books these days? -Carlos.
