This past weekend was awesome. The most fun I have had in years. We had our xmas party out at a casino about 100 miles from here. Stayed up until 5:30am. Not as easy as twenty years ago as I slept ALL day Sun. Great way to GAL. XW didn't even pop in my head. Could of cared less what she was doing that day. All I knew is I had a great time and did it with out her. Seems each day that I tell myself I will be ok, that life goes on, I will come out of this ok, it gets easier. I did go on a date with her Monday night. This is something we agreed on in coaching and I feel I need to stick to that. I didn't even go past the front steps at the house. First raised eye brow from X. On way to where we were going more xmaas music in the cd player. Another raised eye brow. We ran a couple of errands. One of them I'm not sure if this is right or not but firted with the gal at the pharmacy. Another raised eye brow. Went to get a laptop fixed. She was upset and angry with this place. I am the fixer in the relationship. Not this time. I walked away and looked at DVD's. Fourth rasied eye brow. After we went to dinner at a new Indian place. Orderd HOT curry. Usually get MED. She said something about that. Eye brow rise number five. I didn't respond just smiled and kept looking her in the eyes. The whole night I would make eye contact an give a smile. If I wasn't looking and she would look at me I would get a lil grin on my face just to make her wonder what I was thinking. I never really got overly friendly. More or less matter of fact and listened, not fixing. This was very hard for me. Kept having to tell myself, no R talk, dodn't think about OM, this is our time, make her wonder who you are etc. On the way home I started giggling. She asked why. Told her I was laughing at myself for something else I have been doing lately. Praying many times a day. This was a jaw drop not a eye brow raise. She said "I didn't think you did that". Told her it helps me with my anger and makes my day happier. This got a eye brow raise. When we got back to the house I went and fed the dogs, had a smoke on my new pipe. (something new for me) She came out and was intrigued by the pipe. Told her Im done smoking cigs., this is more fun and smells better. Went back inside and went to go. Told her good night and thanks. She came to the stairs, we usually hug each other there. This time I gave her a pat on the back and walked away. She stood at stairs with a very funny look on her face. All in all this was the first time that I have been with her tha I felt I could take it or leave it. I think hitting bottom a couple weeks ago and having so much contemt for her lately has helped me detach. Not to the point where I am 100% over her but I do know likfe will go on without her. It like I would like to be her partner in life but don't need her to be. This past date has left her thinking, I am sure of that. Hope it works in my favor. What do you think, did I leave too many questions and over load her or just the right touch? thanks B
Had a funny txt mess exchange with X today. She was asking about laptop issues, hair appt etc. I mentioned I got her xmas present finalized and that it will be finished around the first of the year. She has no idea what it is and that has been bugging her. So I ended the txt exchange with "You are lucky to have suck a loving EX.". I didnt' think I would get a response but I did. "Yes I am:)". Not sure how to take it but for now it put a smile on my face. Hope she had a bit of spark in her at the time. B
Today was Thursday date night. X seemed excited to talk to me today on the phone to set up the date. We went for a very long walk, these have been the thing tha has worked the most for us in th past few months. It was good to get out and wander around the city. After we watched our fav tv show CSI. She seemed a bit physically distant, usually she will have me hold her in my arms. However she was making more eye contact and holding it than I have seen in a while. I went to leave and she came out to the truck to hug me. Said thanks for tonight and tha she has enjoyed being with me the past few times. (the past three have been when I have pretty much acted as if I didn't care if we were together). This was great to hear from her. I feel that it lets me know that I am on the right path. Not contacting her first, slow to txt back if she txt if I even do at all, act very confident in her presence, dress nice(she has mentioned this last few times), and more or less act as if my life is going on with or with out her. It has been easier, with prayer to leave the thoughts of her and OM out of my head and if they do enter its getting easier to shut them off. Still not 100%. But all in all its baby steps both for me GAL and us being more comfortable around each other. When days like this happen it makes it easier to trust these methods and be more comfortable with myself. Long way to go but headed in the right direction finally.
Not much has gone on in past few days. X went to Iowa on Friday. Called me to let me know she got there ok. Was to be home last night but her flight got cancelled so I was shocked to hear from her today letting me know she had just gotten home. Mondays are our date night. She still wanted to do something tonight but had to go to work straight from the airport and then get off at 6:30. I txt her and told her not to worry about tonight that I would rather spend time with her when she is not so tired. I think this went over very well. She called me when she got home and wanted to make plans to go to gym two days this week and maybe a date on Thurs, her mom is coming again so she is not sure how much she will get out. What I am more shocked by is how she has acted when she calls. Very up beat and seems truly happy to talk to me. Tonight I told her I like her new hair cut she got last week, she giggled and said she was glad I like it. She didn't seem to want to get off the phone but I told her that I needed to go, I didn't, and to have a great night. A bit later I txt her thanking her for the call and that I enjoyed the chat. She txt back telling me any time and thanks with a big smiley foace. I think I have gotten more flirty/positive txt from her in the past few weeks than I have since we dated. I think getting on with my life and getting out is helping tons. Not only do I have more faith in myself as a person, I sense she has taken notice in a positive way. I still act somewhat indifferent so I think she is a bit confused. Love it. She also knows about me going out with friends and see's that I am having fun and doing things I have never done before. I feel that the tide is shifting. Hope it ends up where I would like it to. Not too soon though. I have a lot of work to do on myself. So what has been working for me? Not initiating contact, not always txt'n back, going our with friends, staying away from her house and not doing everything for her around there, acting as if I am ok one way or another if we are together or not, (still have a long way on this one), dressing nice, being more calm, keeping my mouth shut and listening more. Hmmm. Where have I read this and heard this before? Guess I need to try things the hard way before I do what I've been taught. LOL Have a great day. B
Yup, your now doing the LRT perfectly. And it works!
Keep up being available, but not always. Keep doing things that surprise her. Keep some mystery... but not so much that she feels you are being deceptive.
Keep the OM out of your head. You need to outshine him and that will happen most naturally if you've got PMA.
Keep it up!
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
Got a copy of Fireproof from Amazon in the mail yesterday. Couldn't put it down. Finished it in a couple of hours. Hits home for me in so many ways. First as a fire fighter I feel some of the exact things Caleb does in the book. Second, the story of how they grew apart is so similar, as with many of us, it really struck home. I would have to say I took my anger out in many of the same ways. The worst was the day we sep. when I threatened MIL. I too had the neighbors wondering what kind of loon was living next to them. While I don't feel as if I have the same hero complex and deserve the respect at home just because of my job, I can see how he felt that way. I feel that W did respect me for who I am and not what I do for a living. Third thing that struck home was my thoughts of God. I have been somewhat against organized religion or the thought of a God. However in the past month I have come back, so to speak. Prayer has helped me deeply. No less than three to four times a day do I pray. It has helped me keep PMA, limit the thoughts of X with OM, etc. Slowly I am becoming a believer again. Feel as if this everything is happening for a reason bigger than myself. Interesting how I have been reading so Christian type books. "Five Love Languages", "Fireproof", "Love Dare" and a book by Dr Dobson that I can't remember off the top of my head. And even more interesting is how I feel that the tide has turned a bit in our R since I started reading such books. And I forgot the Christmas music that I am actualy enjoying for first time in a long time. I even call a co-worker and told her that I wanted to work for her on Christmas so she could spend it with her young son. In the past we have not gotten along so it felt very good to do something for her in the spirit of this time of year. She was so excited as this will be the first time she will be able to spend Christmas with her son(4). Maybe the old Scrooge me is changing in more ways that I thought. All very interesting to me. Must be a sign.:) So my thought is that when the DVD comes out I would like to share this with X. I am not sure how it would be taken or if this may be too much pursuit? Any thoughts? Guess it will come down to where we are at that time. I thought of even just leaving it on the table one time when I pick her up for our 'date' night. If she watches it then good if not I have no expectations just desire. I don't think I am in a spot yet that I could do the "Love Dare". I feel that I need to keep my distance as I have been doing and no pushing or gestures of the like. I hope that in the months to come that I will be at 'that' spot that I can start doing th 'Dare'. I did most of those things but for all the wrong reasons right after the seperation. Hope that when I begin again that the right reasons will be guiding me and that X's heart may soften toward me. As for 'us'. MIL is in town, again, until after Christmas. X has been txt'n me past few days without me first txt'n her. She even wants to go to gym on nights that are not our 'date' nights. Everytime she has called in the past few days she has been very friendly even to the point her voice has a bit of flirtyness (is that a word). She even mentioned getting together on Christmas to exchange gifts and spend some time together. I'm a bit taken back by this but am happy this is the direction things are going. Unless love is blind and I am not seeing the big picture. Oh well, work on me first and hope things will fall into place.
It seems like things are going well for you and moving in the right direction. I'm not sure that trying to accelerate your overtures via the Love Dare or getting her to watch the movie is worth the risk right now. You know: If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Now, if things continue to go well for another month... then perhaps you want to try to move things up a notch.
I did manage to finagle my wife to see Fireproof. I saw it first and then enlisted BIL to take her without knowing I was involved.
I think it helped some. But it wasn't some kind of magic cure. And the main message is 'don't get divorced'... which doesn't quite apply to your wife anymore. Yes, there are other potential positives... but I just wouldn't get pushy yet.
Keep up the good work!
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
Sorry I have been away so long and thank you for the post on my thread.
I agree with Techguy, it sounds like things are moving along nicely in the right direction. You have made a lot of positive changes for yourself and that is great, too.
I will second what Techgiy said, keep up the good work!
Have to say this has been a very crappy day. Haven't heard from X for two days until today when she txt wanting to go to gym. Since I was going anyhow I said sure. She was in a great mood, even flirted while we were doing cardio. All in all it should have been another positive get together. As we were leaving she asked when I was getting a condo that would allow dogs so I take one of the dogs, my dog. Told her I was working on that and looking into financing. She gave me a hug and we went our ways. For some reason her asking about the condo hit me like a ton of bricks. I started bawling, got the feeing she has moved on and now I need to. I was so angry and still am that she would ask that. Why does she spend time with me? Is she stringing me along? Does she still find something she likes and maybe holding onto that? Is she scared to tell me that we are truly over? Is she in love with OM? All these what ifs. Became clear today that I am no where near detached. Guess I was just fooling myself. I feel that I am doing all the DB things correct for the most part. I don't make contact with her, she has to contact me. I don't make plans for us until she calls and makes plans for us. I don't do anything at al for her at the house anymore. Basically I listen when she calls and when we are together. I stay positive when I am around her and am dressing nice. Spent $200 on new cologne's to smell great. I thought I have seen changes in her attitude toward me. Maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see. How do you know what is and what isn't? I have read in a couple books on this subject and also on some web sites. These promote the idea of writting a letter to the other spouse/X and releasing them from you so to speek. Taking responsiblity for my actions, thanking the, for forcing me to change and telling the, they are strong for doing so, wishing no ill will toward them and not blaming them for any issues. Also letting the, know that I will be taking this time to work on me, become happy with myself. I will be going on with my life and that they are welcome anytime but that there may be a chance that if its is too long a time I may have moved on to another relationship. This is the basics of the letter suggested. Any ideas? Good idea? Bad idea? What do I have to gain/loose? Any input would be wonderful as I am at my witts end and am just about to give up. It can't be good for me to freakn cry every day since June 27th. Even when things seem to be going well I still get a cry session in once a day. guess I need to go to bed, need to get up in four hours for work. Thanks B
