For the Guy with Kids and a WW Twenty One

[hopeful4her]

Got my computer running.

For now.

Guys, I know what I like. I know what makes me happy. I try to do all these things now. Not only new things, but the old forgotten things, too.

I'm living my life the way I want to. And all the while, in limbo. For who knows how long.

But I do it.

Still. For now.

But I know these holidays may do something to me. They may help me see that I'm better off and don't deserve the crap that I go through.

Today was her Laredo trip for appointment with the attorney. No call or anything all day. At about 5:30, on my home to pick up D7, she calls. I was considering calling her to ask her what the hell her plan was, what time was she expecting to get back, what about dinner....

Just her usual selfish self. No consideration. At least for me.

The first thing she says is, "I just left. I'm about 40 miles out of Laredo."
"You just left!" I said. I could have been a little pissy.
"That what I said."
I tell her slowly, "I couldn't hear you. Your phone is breaking up again!"
"I said I just left."

That means that she may not be home until maybe nine. She asked if I was going to take the girls to the house or stay at the apartment. I tell her I'm not sure yet. She says that she made some dinner, just needs to be heated up. I tell her ok and she says that she'll call me when she gets close to town. I quickly tell her okay and goodbye.

I really don't want to talk to her.

I pick up D7, take her to the apartment and talk to the kids. S14 needs to do some more computer work. I had been trying to figure out what I want to do. Do I take them or stay at the apartment until she gets back. Easiest thing would be to stay at the apartment, but since S14 has to go to his grandfathers again, I decide to bring the girls home. I take S14 to his grandfathers and head home.

I make bring the food that the wife says she cooked but find out it was what they had last night. I ask if they want mom's food or fish sticks. They want fishsticks.

We eat dinner and watch a little tv after doing homework. The wife calls at about 10 to 8pm saying she is at the loop. She asks if we are at the apartment and I let her know we are at home. She says she is on her way to pick them up. She shows up at about 8:30 and I right away start to pack up the girls. I don't chit chat with the wife at all. I gather the kids stuff, give my kisses goodbye, help get coats on and walk them to the door. D7 forgets some stuff and I have to find it. I had pulled out the wife's sweat clothes and washed everything and had it in a bag by the door. She asks if its the girls and I let her know its her stuff.

I put D7 on my back and walk them out. I put D7 in the car and the girls are both telling me to stay warm and not get wet. Its starting to rain a little. I let them know not to worry about me. The wife is already in the car and started it.

"But we do worry about you, daddy."

My sweeties.

I assure them not to worry about me again. The wife tells me thanks for picking up the kids and I just wave it off and walk inside quickly.

I'm not even trying to chit chat with her. I'm done chit chatting with her for now. She honks when I get inside and I poke my head out. She yells that my lights inside the car are on. I go out and turn them off. I notice that D7 left her DS in my car and wave to her to stop. I take it to the wife and she asks,

"Okay, anything else?" She is trying to joke with me. I wave her off and say, "Nothing else" and walk off again.

No looking back. I'm sure she can sense it.

She is making it easier to drop the rope. I would have asked her how things went, but I didn't.

I just don't care. She can vent to OM.

Or whatever.

[kat727]

When you don't expect anything it is a lot easier. No extra chatting, no going out of your way for her. This is just you and the kids and you are going to be fine.

I believe you can do this.

kat

[hopeful4her]

When you don't expect anything it is a lot easier. No extra chatting, no going out of your way for her.

kat

No, because I'm done with it. Rope dropped.

I'm sure I'll have my moments of weakness, but I'm feeling like this is it. Not expecting anything from her because I don't think I WANT anything from her.

[kat727]

I'm sorry that I got upset with you last week.

[hopeful4her]

Don't be sorry, sweety.

I'm frustrating to deal with.

And you might have been right. I am feeling rebelious. I'm just f'ing tired of it, you know? Her disrespect has finally gotten to me.

[kat727]

Well I am glad that you have dropped the rope, now kick it far away! I think you really are going to feel different. A weight will be lifted, I promise.

[hopeful4her]

I feel different already. I'm determined.

Thanks.

Funny thing is, I think I need to spend less time on here. Gets me thinking too much. Dunno. We'll see. I have cut back quite a bit, but at the expense of posting to my friends. Pretty much been sticking to my own thread.

Feels selfish, but I'm also keeping myself busy. And in good ways, not just bad.

[kat727]

I get that too. There isn't any reason to feel bad about that. But it is still good to journal here and get some extra support. We just try to keep you on the straight and narrow! lol

kat

[hopeful4her]

"I Am the Highway"
Audioslave


Pearls and swine bereft of me
Long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow or pity for leaving I feel

(chorus)
I am not your rolling wheels
I am the Highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the Sky

Friends and liars don't wait for me
I'll get on all by myself
I put millions of miles
Under my heels
And still too close to you
I feel

(chorus)
I am not your rolling wheels
I am the Highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the Sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the Lightning
I am not your Autumn moon
I am the Night.

[Sugar and Spice]

H4H...Love that song. Hang in there.