I screwed up again

[AnotherNightmare]

Beth,

I see what you are saying. By walking away, she definitely took control. She actually took control of my life, because all I could think about was how I could stop this. I even came here, because she "set this ball in motion". Everything I do (including GAL and PMA) is ultimately driven by her decision to leave the M.

Even though there will still be things I do not have any control over, but still have to deal with such as the end or continuation of our M (and I accept that), I am trying to take control of my own life again. What I mean is while it seems that she is in control of whether or not and how quickly she moves foward with the D, I am considering to file myself simply to free myself, maybe to make myself believe I am in control. That would even be a 180 for me, because so far I have been fighting the D. But simply the fact that I am considering it tells me that I am capable of imagining a life without her, which I consider my first step towards detachment.

I am also starting to analyze the situation. I am no longer thinking about how I get her back, but how I get what is important to me. I have read in DR and on the board it is about becoming unpredictable. Four weeks ago I would have never thought about fighting for custody or filing for D myself (I am not sure about one yet). And I am sure she expected neither of me as well.

BTW, while I am writing this, I am also watching the move "P.S. I Love You". The mother just said to her daughter: "Alone or not, you got to walk ahead." It hurts, it is hard, but I am ready to accept that.

AN