I have been thinking a lot the last day and a half and am learning to be more content with things as they are. I still get stressed but I am trying to let it go and focus on how many good things there are in our relationship now and how many things have changed for the better.
One thing my mom pointed out to me was that he is making phone calls now. Which sounds small but it is something that my hubby hates to do and used to "forget" or "make tomorrow" as a way to avoid them. Now he is making important phone calls on a daily basis. So even though he is not making them as much as I think he should or would like he is still making progress in that he is making them and getting things done.
As far as budgeting goes I think it is a wonderful idea. I definatly want to take a financial class or something to learn more about being sucessful and running a household. It is going to be important in the next stage of our marriage. It is just not something we can really do now because we do not have money coming in to budget. Sad as that is. My hubby is not working at all and is living on what he has from his "month" away at AIT with the army. I have a job but am not getting any hours at all this week and only two partial days last week. So my paychecks are nearly invisible anyways. So we just pay the bills now. But I do want to budget in the future. One of the books I read (The Surrendered Wife) talks about giving over the control of the finances to the husband and that is something I have already commited to my hubby. I get too crazy and nuts about money. He may not be the most responsible but I feel like if he has the bills in front of him and our financial goals in front of him he will learn, over time, to make good choices. So when we move in together we will reorganize our accounts so he has control. As I am writing this I am wondering if I should not start this process now so he can see things clearly. When I moved out I started my own account that he has no access to. We need to talk this over and change it so he can take over and see all the money at once.
He has been talking to his army liason the past two days and feels confident that we will be getting our enlistment money soon. I hope he is right. We could certainly use it! This will need to be budgeted as well so we do not spend it on living expenses before we can use it to purchase the things we have been talking about for the past month or two and paying off debt.
I am also glad that you brought up the issue of time with friends as I think this is going to be a HUGE struggle when we actually do have a place together. Right now it bugs me a little only because I feel like he should be or at least could be doing other things with his free time. However when we live together again it is going to be another ballgame altogether. I know that he needs time out with friends and that I need to give him space and freedom and while I am feeling much more prepared for that now than when we first married I can still sense it being an issue of conflict for us in the near future. It's just so hard for me to let go. I really feel like some ground rules need to be set down but as my counselor says when I talk about "rules" or "boundaries" that I am being controlling and mothering. Instead I need to frame it with his level of commitment to the marriage. A married man does not go out with friends every night. A married man does not go out and drink with his buddies in bars. Etc. I have tried to have conversations with him like this but it is always hard because they are not topics he likes to discuss. Grr!
That is another thing I wanted to post about. We no longer argue about everything we actually have conversations (like civilized adults. . .lol) which is fantastic! However the down side is that when there is a topic of conversation that gets brought up that hubby does not want to discuss or feels uncomfortable with he starts to make jokes and tries to get me "off course" kinda like a kid. Do something funny and mommy will forget that there is a problem. It was really bugging me last night and so I did a 180 and just ended the conversation since it was late at night and I did not want it to turn into an argument. This morning it was still bothering me so I wrote him a long text about how it makes me feel alone when he makes jokes in the middle of problem solving conversations and that I need a partner I can count on to help me find solutions. I used a lot of "I feel" statments that my counselor wants me to use. He was uncomfortable with it but at the same time he said he would try. Which I think is great. It still amazes me how simply explaining things gets me so much farther than throwing a fit.
Another small thing is that I have been wearing my ring for awhile now but he has not been wearing his because it was packed away. I have mentioned wanting him to wear it and he said he looked for it recently but could not find it. I brought it up again last night by saying it would be nice if he would find it to wear at Christmas time when we are with my family. He did not understand why it was so important and asked for an explanation. I just said nevermind, it was just keeping up appearances. Kinda vain. That it would be fine if he waited till we move to find it in his boxes. However this afternoon when I was out shopping with my mom he sent a text saying he found it. I said found what? He said my wing! Lol (Princess Bride reference anyone? ) It was another classic example of how throwing a fit gets you nowhere and simply making your requests known makes such a difference.
Thanks for your post ITH! It feels good to be back on the board and posting regularly again. It really does help me clear my mind and getting imput helps see things from another view.
