I screwed up again

[AnotherNightmare]

As I read through parts of DR again last night, I tried to evaluate what has happened over the last 4 weeks since the bomb.

After the initial week of pleading, begging etc, I discovered this forum and DB. So I applied that. After some initial baby steps, I think my W's trip back to Germany was a step backward, maybe a significant step backward. She most likely met with OM (and potentially turned the EA into a PA - even though I am not sure of it, I actually doubt it - but what does it matter?). I do not think I did anything differently than in the week before when I started DB and seemed to see a little bit of progress. What has changed?

I think the answer to that is OM. He seems to have some power that I clearly do not have right now. He is able to influence her in a way that I am not, because she does not listen to me or hear me. So that is a fact I have to deal with. And I feel whatever I do it will help me as a person, but I will not make any progress on saving our M as long as OM is in the picture.

I understand this is out of my control, but I am coming back to something somberbrow mentiond earlier. I need to take a stand and set boundaries (and stop being Mr. Niceguy like I have always tried to be). She said a day or two after the bomb that she wanted to end this M with integrity. Well, I will define for her what integrity means to me (basically exactly what somberbrow said: we behave like married people until the day we get divorced, no contact with OP that we cannot share with each other, no lies, honesty, we work together on the custody issue, on how to separate the estate etc etc). But I will make clear to her it is all or nothing. She cannot have integrity on one issue and a war of the roses on the other.

When I told her that I would fight for what is important to me (primarily the kids) I know that it became clear to her that she might not get all she wants maybe for the first time in her life. I know she is afraid now. I know that she and probably OM interpret this as a threat (as I said he probably twists every word I say in my mouth without having been there) trying to put the blame on me again. But in a way (and at least in her eyes), it should have been a 180. She always claimed that I did not care about my kids, while this clearly shows that I am putting my kids first (I personally think I have always done that, maybe not every second of my life, but whenever possible and I truly had a choice). I even told her that I was working on changing positions internally to be there for them, if necessary as a single parent.

So again, as much as I work on myself and become a better person, I do not think it will help my M as long as OM is there. I can only hope this realization will help me in the process and maybe even with detaching myself from her.

AN

[AnotherNightmare]

One thing I want to add here:

Many of you have been talking about detachment, and I know all of you have been working on it more or less successfully. Over the last 2 weeks, but especially during the last 2 days when talking to friends, one thought has come to my mind quite often:

I am going to make it, as long as my kids can stay with me and I can be there for them.

I feel this is what has been driving what I wrote in my last 2 or 3 posts. I am ready to put up a fight for them. Whether this ultimately leads to a breakup of our M, I do not care (well, I am not quite at that point, I would still like her to stay with us). I am getting a clearer picture of what is important to me, and I am not sure I see W clearly in that picture. I see a mother for my kids in there, but the face is not necessarily hers. I am wondering, is that what detachment feels like? Or is it still anger?

I did show her the Retrouvaille material. I have been asking myself what I will do if her answer is no. I am starting to think that I would probably file for a D myself. I feel kind of ready to try it on my own (it did feel pretty good the last 2 weeks). I kind of want to get it over with, one way or another. And if I have second thoughts, I can always pull the emergency brakes, because I am in the driver's seat. If she files, I do not have that luxury.

This plan is by no means set in stone, but right now I feel pretty good about it.

AN

[VeronicaV]

AN,

To answer your question about whether it is detachment or anger, ask yourself whether your thoughts and decisions are coming from rational thought or from feelings. If it's the former, I'd say it is likely detachment, if the latter, anger and hurt.

Beth

[AnotherNightmare]

Beth,

That is a very good point. The answer is more difficult than it might look. There are for sure feelings involved, but I have difficulties figuring out if those are feelings just for my kids, or also for W.

When we talked on Sunday and I told her I want the kids to stay here with me, I could read in her face the question "Why are you trying to hurt me?" She did not ask the question. But I have been asking myself if that is what I really want. I think the answer is no. I do not want to hurt her. I want the best for my children, which would be to have both of us available to them, if not in a M, then at least as coparents. It is her who cannot agree to that. That is the rational thought part.
If I allowed her to take the kids, I know I would hurt badly. At the same time it breaks my heart that they would have to live without her if I did not allow it. And here comes the feelings part: if one of us has to hurt, why should it be me? I did not make the decision to leave this M. So it is complicated and there is probably no clear answer, at least for me right now.

AN

[VeronicaV]

AN,

I am not a parent so take this with a grain of salt, but I think it is your wife who will not allow your children to have two parents. It is herchoice to leave, not yours.

Your desire to stay in the States and keep your children close is only a reaction to her choice. I would not let myslef start thinking this is your doing.

Just my thought on it.

Beth

[AnotherNightmare]

Beth,

I am not sure I understand completely what you are referring to. But let me try to describe the dilemma in other words:

Due to her decision to go back to Germany and my desire to stay here, the kids will only have one parent. Based on the info I received from a lawyer, it looks like it will be my decision whether or not I allow her to take the kids abroad. Most likely a court will not allow that, especially if I disagree. So in the end, it is my decision to either fight for custody (which I am determined to do) or simply let her leave with the kids.

One other point: I am fighting for my kids, because I think it is the right thing to do, not because I want to get her back. So far everything I have been thinking about was how to get her back into this M. This is the first time (maybe not the very first time) I am doing it just for me.

AN

[VeronicaV]

AN,

Sorry to not be clear. What I am trying to say is that she set this ball in motion, not you. Her actions and choices put you in the position to decide to let her take the kids or not.

While it appears that it is your choice to fight her or let them go, that is a false dichtomy, she made the choice to leave you. Now she wants to have her cake - leaving her marriage and eat it, too - taking the kids with her.

Not sure if that is any clearer.

[AnotherNightmare]

Beth,

I see what you are saying. By walking away, she definitely took control. She actually took control of my life, because all I could think about was how I could stop this. I even came here, because she "set this ball in motion". Everything I do (including GAL and PMA) is ultimately driven by her decision to leave the M.

Even though there will still be things I do not have any control over, but still have to deal with such as the end or continuation of our M (and I accept that), I am trying to take control of my own life again. What I mean is while it seems that she is in control of whether or not and how quickly she moves foward with the D, I am considering to file myself simply to free myself, maybe to make myself believe I am in control. That would even be a 180 for me, because so far I have been fighting the D. But simply the fact that I am considering it tells me that I am capable of imagining a life without her, which I consider my first step towards detachment.

I am also starting to analyze the situation. I am no longer thinking about how I get her back, but how I get what is important to me. I have read in DR and on the board it is about becoming unpredictable. Four weeks ago I would have never thought about fighting for custody or filing for D myself (I am not sure about one yet). And I am sure she expected neither of me as well.

BTW, while I am writing this, I am also watching the move "P.S. I Love You". The mother just said to her daughter: "Alone or not, you got to walk ahead." It hurts, it is hard, but I am ready to accept that.

AN

[techguy]

Hey AN,

Just a quick post. Got to hit the sack.

I'm reminded of a quote I saw here once: "The person who cares the least about the marriage is always in control".

Sad, but true. Sounds like your getting closer to control. Detachment can be very empowering!

[AnotherNightmare]

Hey techguy,

I commented on your Retrouvaille experience in your own thread. Based on your experience and observations, I think that could definitely be a marriage saver for me as well.

I like the quote. I guess that is the story behind taking action myself. I can stop the D process anytime, if I want to. If she files, I cannot do that. It will be out of my control.

On another note (and shame on me, because I completely forgot to mention it before - I guess I have been too busy with GAL), I took off my wedding ring last Thursday. I read Beth's story about her experience, so I thought let me try it. After almost a week, I still fell OK about it (except in meetings when I try to play with it and it is not there). I am not sure if she noticed it Sunday night (she did not say anything), but honestly - I do not care. It is her problem if she puts any thought into this. I definitely did not think of her when I took it off. For me, it was a step towards freeing myself from this M.

AN