Things will change after I sign, changing the locks on the doors, W no longer welcome in my house, she can sit outside in her car and wait until the kids are ready for school or whenever she decides to pick the kids up. Karen: I think that's a wonderful idea, consequences and all that. But why wait??????
I'm waiting because, I'm going for full custody, once she signs paperwork it will be hard for her to flip on me, now she sees that all is well in her plans, she is allowed in the house, drops by every morning to pick up the kids, gets her 1/2 hour fix, once D is final, its scheduled visitation.
We talked about whom ever has the kids on the weekend takes them to school the following week, but that hasn't worked out because W never has the kids.
Merry Christmas everyone
M45 W41 M10.75 years D9, D7, D7, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 W files for D 07/18/08 Amount of time WAM spent with kids so far this month = 0.20
I'm still conflicted; I want to ask W what 2 weekends she wants the kids each month (this will cut into her party time) but it will allow me some free time to get stuff done or go out every now and then or do I just hire a babysitter and let her take them when she wants ?? (once every month)
The responses I received are to set scheduled weekends for her to take the kids. But is this fair to the kids ? , It's just harder on the kids being shuffled back and forth, they are confined to an apartment where you cannot run and have fun (be kids). All they do over there is watch TV or go shopping. They don't get home cooked meals, they go out to eat (according to what the kids tell me).
I feel bad even thinking of making her take the kids, she should want them.
PROS I would like some free time to myself I don't want to be tied to her schedule of when she can or cannot take the kids
CONS * I love them and want them with me * Its harder on the kids being shuffled back and forth * I can always hire a babysitter (offsets #1 under PROS) * Stuff I need to get done around the house can wait * I don't want her taking the kids (because of the schedule)and then hiring a babysitter because she has something planned. * I don't want them around OM (they haven't yet been exposed to him yet)
I guess I will not schedule weekends for her to take the kids and see how it goes for now.
Merry Christmas everyone
M45 W41 M10.75 years D9, D7, D7, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 W files for D 07/18/08 Amount of time WAM spent with kids so far this month = 0.2
I know when I was a baby and my parents divorced(my Dad caught my biological mother in bed with someone else) he told her it is all or nothing. If you have the kids I will pay whatever but I will not be in their lives and vice versa. Very unusual but my Dad got full custody, she didn't even show up for the hearing.
I didn't know all of that until my own Divorce. Maybe it only worked because I was a baby and my brother just a year and a half older. But most of my life I have wondered about her and how my life would have been. I have exchanged some letters and she was just way too friendly right out of the gates for me and told me lots of lies about my Dad. Needless to say, I was better off with my Dad. My Mom is the only Mom I've known though I do remember my Dad dating. Mom and Dad got married when I was 2.
I guess what I am trying to say is that it will work out and your kids will always know who the stable force is in their life. If it is your W's turn for the kids and she decides to do something instead then she has to pay the sitter. Yeah it may get to the point where she won't be there, I don't know, but it will be her loss.
hang in there.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Nice story Kat...gives me hope for the future of my kids' well being. That's my biggest worry is that some of my W's behavior will rub off on my D. And that my S will have issues that prevent a normal R with a girl.
Your welcome. I know I can always count on my Dad. I may not like it when he throws his 50 cents into the pot but I know he loves me even with all the crud I am going through. Oh and I am super close to my Mom. I wouldn't trade her for anything.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Kat, thank you for this beautiful story, I know there is hope in my situation, just strange part of my life, something I never expected or wanted, but now I have to deal with it.
I sent my W some scheduling updates (kids stuff going on) and here is part of her reply: Thanks for the updates, I really appreciate everything you do, you are a wonderful parent. You do what I just am not good at. I wish I could have been better. I try. I really do. I love them all so much and I want the very best for them always
W has the kids today, when she was talking about what she wanted to do one thing she said was to bring the kids back to my house and work on the christmas tree, I said thank you but no thanks. I was looking forward to just being by myself for the day.
Its quite around here, I have a lot of work to do, that will keep me busy and I know the day is going to fly by, W is going to bring the kids back at 9am tomorrow so I can take them to church, this appears to be the last day in December she will have the kids. so far in the last 3 months she hasn't had them more than 2 days for any given month. I'm both glad and sad, I want the kids with me as much as possible but they don't get to much mommy time
Merry Christmas everyone
M45 W41 M10.75 years D9, D7, D7, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 W files for D 07/18/08 Amount of time WAM spent with kids so far this month = 1.2
b]The responses I received are to set scheduled weekends for her to take the kids. [/b] But is this fair to the kids ? , It's just harder on the kids being shuffled back and forth, they are confined to an apartment where you cannot run and have fun (be kids). All they do over there is watch TV or go shopping. They don't get home cooked meals, they go out to eat (according to what the kids tell me).
Well, welcome to the divorced world. I think that's how it often works out. To me that sounds like a lot of rationalizing so you can work things out the way you really want them to be. This is how separation and divorce is. My kids get taken off to H's apartment every weekend, keeps them around OW and her kids, and he takes them out to eat most of the time (as he does too), they watch TV, go shopping, and to the movies. But they get to see their dad so that is the good part. I get a 24 hour break each week which after 15 years of parenting is probably a good idea for me too. I can get stuff done, recharge my batteries, etc.
You are guessing at your W doing a lot of stuff you won't approve of, well like exposing them to OP is something that will probably happen whether you set up a schedule or not. Also if she acts irresponsibly with them (as she has before) or gets a babysitter often, I think at that point you could address those issues, unless you believe she is truly dangerous of course. I do think it will be good for your W to have consequences and all that and realize that kind of stuff. I think she needs them. I do understand your desire to get her to agree to custody arrangements that will be good for you; do you think for some reason her having a set schedule of when to see the kids will be a problem for her that would make her more difficult to deal with? I mean, I think set schedules are 99% of the time done when one is divorced and separated, so don't understand that. If she has a set schedule, she shouldn't make plans to party or whatever that require her to hire a babysitter. I mean if she gets the kids one or 2 weekends a month she can't just spend time with them and cut down her party time? I mean the way you discuss her and treat her almost like she is another child. I think it would be good for you to treat her more like adult-adult, if you think she is even a tiny bit capable of acting like one anyway.... Karen
Karen, I've read you comments over and over and over, and I've been thinking, it appears we are both (me and W) trying to rationalize why its best for her not to be with the kids as much as possible, me saying its easier on the kids and her (see her email) about how I'm a great parent and better at taking care of the kids, etc. - either way the kids lose - they don't get to see their mom as much or if they do they get shuffled back and forth - welcome to the world of divorce - I hate it
The Pride of St. Louis is a band called Mama's Pride
MAMA'S PRIDE "SHE'S A STRANGER TO ME NOW"
SKY'S BLUE, WATER'S TOO, SO AM I TODAY. I PACKED MY LADY'S BAGS FOR HER AND SENT HER ON HER WAY SHE TURNED AND LOOKED SO STRANGELY AS SHE HEADED DOWN THE WALK WONDERIN' WHY MY FACE WAS BLANK AND WHY I COULDN'T TALK
SHE'S A SELFISH LADY, WHO'S THOUGHTLESS WAYS I COULD NOT ALLOW. SHE WAS MY FRIEND, MY WIFE, AND LOVER BUT SHE'S A STRANGER TO ME NOW
THE EARLY DAYS WERE LIKE A MAZE OF FANTASY AND THRILL. SHE PLAYED HER LITTLE GAME WITH ME AND TRIED TO BREAK MY WILL. I'M NOT A SCHOLAR, NOT A GENIUS, NEVER HAD MUCH SCHOOL . BUT I AIN'T CRAZY AND I KNOW WHEN I'VE BEEN MADE A FOOL.
NOW SHE'S GONE AND I'M ALONE, FEELIN' RATHER POOR SHE'S RELIEVED CAUSE SHE'S NOT IN MY SHADOW ANYMORE. ' THINK I'LL DRINK SOME WHISKEY MAYBE LET MYSELF UNWIND AND FEEL PITY FOR THE LADY CAUSE SHE'S NOT IN HER RIGHT MIND.
M45 W41 M10.75 years D9, D7, D7, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 W files for D 07/18/08 Amount of time WAM spent with kids so far this month = 1.2
I'm so glad you didn't get po'd at my comments. I was a bit harsher than usual I think. I'm not in your R so who knows? I do wonder if a good 180 for you might be to expect your W to act like an adult, as a capable parent, etc.? I would think for a weekend or 2 a month she should be able to do that; but I know there are some that aren't and I do worry about your kids. I don't know your W like you do of course, and safety of the kids has to come first definitely... Karen
I mean I have to admit good stuff has come out of this D sitch in my case. I have a break once a week when I can do stuff, relax, not be taking care of the kids 24/7. My H is spending more time and more quality time than he did before b/c he was kind of an absent dad even more so than he is now. Of course, that kind of stuff could have happened without a D, I'm just saying it hasn't been all bad. And eventually I'm hoping I will have a serious R with someone, maybe the kids can see how a man should treat a woman and not abusive like their dad. I do think M can be a beautiful, wonderful thing or at least it seems that way for most of the couples in my church anyway... And some day hopefully you will have a wonderful R too, with a really loving and caring person!!! Karen
sort of in your shoes, I wish I had kids with me more, then again they do need their dad. It is SOOOO hard to let go, to know that I can't control how my kids are taken care of when they are with their dad. Karen is right, she needs to learn to be a mother, and for better or worse she is their mom. I hope that my kids have a good R with their dad, he doesn't take care of them like he I'd like, but he is with them and I'm trying to see this as a positive thing. My kids also go back and forth every other Sunday, but we have set a schedule and they are used to it and don't complain, from what I've learned it is the stress they see between parents that affect them most.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
