I haven't been here for a while, the hardest eight months but I am slowly rebuilding my life.After I have decided to end it all, unfaithful husband got really sick with a heart attack and as he and his acquaintances say, he had an epiphany and is doing DB by the book to win me back (how ironic!!). It is a long story but actually I came here to share some thoughts about the OW. I am not obsessing anymore however these days I was cleaning up my stuff at the computer and found some of the letters she wrote while they were having the A. I couldn't help but read them again, with a clearer head.
The OW knew he was married, and my findings actually were very enlightening.
It was funny how she thought she knew me despite we have never met.She assumed all kind of stuff about me. Basically she viewed me as a stupid, unattractive and sexless being. But...
It was amazing that she took so much of her time to desconstruct me although she was the object of his afection. In addition it bothered her that he did not want to get out of the marriage and that we did cool stuff together. By the end of my reading I could see by her words that this woman feared me.
And I had spent so much time feeling powerless and inferior, I was so angry at myself.
I don't want to make assumptions or generalize but in the end of the day everybody wants commitment. No matter how sex is great or the amount of loveletters, people like to be the chosen one.
So for those who feel trapped by low self steem because of the infidelity of their spouses I'd like to share some insights, despite for a long time I was not able to have them myself.
- Don't give more power to the OP than they deserve. There is history in a relationship and good times too that cannot be forgotten. I guess that is what DB is all about, regain couple identity.
- By saying bad things about us they make our spouses angry, after all they chose us at some point to commit. They don't like to be viewed as stupid by commiting to us.
- Romance is overvalued. It is good to feel passion and enfactuation but intimacy is the real deal, something that they can't reach in a situation like this and they know it. That smile or giggles you share in the kitchen you built together when you are cooking a big steak and smelling like food because you remember some funny story about ancient and difficult times you have overcome.
- You have something they want, the commitment, they have something you want, sex and romantic passion. Which one is easier to gain? Which one is more difficult to destroy?
So, when in pain, if I had known this, I should have enjoyed in the back of my mind, the power I didn't know I had.
