I screwed up again

[AnotherNightmare]

Beth,

That is a very good point. The answer is more difficult than it might look. There are for sure feelings involved, but I have difficulties figuring out if those are feelings just for my kids, or also for W.

When we talked on Sunday and I told her I want the kids to stay here with me, I could read in her face the question "Why are you trying to hurt me?" She did not ask the question. But I have been asking myself if that is what I really want. I think the answer is no. I do not want to hurt her. I want the best for my children, which would be to have both of us available to them, if not in a M, then at least as coparents. It is her who cannot agree to that. That is the rational thought part.
If I allowed her to take the kids, I know I would hurt badly. At the same time it breaks my heart that they would have to live without her if I did not allow it. And here comes the feelings part: if one of us has to hurt, why should it be me? I did not make the decision to leave this M. So it is complicated and there is probably no clear answer, at least for me right now.

AN