Detach>Worse>Weird>Better ???

[Sophie]

Thanks for keeping me grounded Snodderly....I am petrified of what will happen next. I can't take the meaness!!!

I will...I will handle it. God says so.

I don't want to talk to my L...

Remember, H asked if there was a prayer for mediation?

when might that come up officially?

I REALLY want to know that the words on my ANSWER stung H like they stung me. Legal 101 or NOT.

I am SO CONFUSED as to WHY the DB way is to act as if when at the stage I am in.

It makes me nauseous to think of even being in the same building. But, the strange this is, when we actually are together it feels right.

It's the opposite of 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'. I am peaceful spending time with him....I am 'sick' when seperated.

I can perform 'as if' IF that is the way to bust this thing!!

I don't have much trouble curtailing my conversations. H never inquires about anything...unless we are at a soccer game.

s13 bday is Saturday. The last 3 years, I hear from H one or two days before...and H asks me what the plans are.

Stupid!

Please help me calm my fears. I feel like I have to hide in the shadows.

[Sophie]

Snodderly, I just remembered when I read

As for your h, he's testing the waters to see if you got the papers and I bet he's not been advised yet that your lawyer has responded. They are very nice and when they do something unkind, they disappear. Typical bad child behavior.

Remember, H knew I got his papers when I tm'd him two days after...then, remember, he brought wine and took the family out.

that was two weeks ago.

This last exchange was from my L to his. And, I thought H would back away from me as he always harassed me that I would make a D ugly and 'take him to the cleaners'.

I figured that's what my response in fact, said.

So...why would H be kind when he got my response?

Truthfully, I'm too confused to write...plus, I stink as a writer.

[Andabelle]

it's called being lovesick-- I am the same. I pine when I'm away from my H for very long. You and me need to work on the detachment thing.

[Sophie]

Actually...I don't pine when I away, I don't even miss him, because he is so boring, depressed and does nothing to enhance my life or our kids lives.

When I am alon....I find peace now. It feels like H is overseas....or just....doesn't exist. H rarely contacts any of us.

It feels like it isn't worth it to me to go through all the butterflies once a week or once a month anticipating being around H.

But, within about 2 minutes around him, we are both comfortable and it feels like minimum...brother and sister. I don't want to be his sister, his mom, one of the guys or just a friend!!

I want to be around a man and feel like a woman!!

[Sophie]

Okay...I have to admit that I my PMA has been based upon H seeing the severity of HIS decision with the delivery of my Answer (and it's denials).

H will lose a lot if he pursues this. I think is it INSANE to cause this destruction when H and have always got along. But, one thing, I want my L to impress the fact that this is H's decision.

Don't L's counsel on consequences if H pursues????

[job]

Sophie,
You are asking rational questions, re, lawyers counseling clients about the consequences of a pursuing a divorce. First, you must remember, if your h is truly in mlc, he's not rational and everything he's doing is being controlled by emotions, not sanity, not "smarts upstairs".

All the lawyers can do is counsel. The problem is if your h is really listening and hearing what he's being advised and the other thing that comes to mind is that there are some shady lawyers out there that recognize a person in crisis and will take them for every penny. Also, we don't know what your h has told his lawyer and that lawyer is going to do what your h has requested...even if he doesn't always agree w/what your h wants. I've been there and done all of this w/my xh and his crazy lawyer.

You must keep the focus on you and your children. You must keep your focus on what you need and keep your sanity about it all. This is now a business deal gone sour and you need to leave your heart at the door when dealing w/finances, etc. I know you felt terrible about what the responss where, but they didn't make one dent in what your h was feeling. The only time a dent will cause a reaction is when it affects the money in his wallet. They become very selfish, self-centered and money grubbing during all of this and will promise you the moon just to get you to agree w/what they want to do when it comes a divorce, etc. So, you need to start thinking of him as a stranger and do not expect him to be the way he once was. That man has been sealed up in a bottled and placed on a shelf on the Mother Ship for quite some time.

[Sophie]

The only time a dent will cause a reaction is when it affects the money in his wallet. They become very selfish, self-centered and money grubbing during all of this

So true, Snodderly...remember, he wanted me to 'take over' managing the bills (and was miraculously going to give me all the money to manage, when he didn't have it to manage himself?!).

I didn't 'fall' for it, and said I couldn't give anymore than I have 'risen to the occasion' to give already.

Next day, papers were filed at the courthouse.

A divorce from me isn't going to get him any more money....and even if it would...it wouldn't happen anytime soon.

I say he won't get any more money from me, not as fighting words....it's the truth. There is no more money for me to help him out with.

I seriously think his D papers were a threat and a childish reaction because that was the first serious issue that I did not rescue him from.

The papers seem like 'hate' mail or something.

So...maybe, a dent of reality has hit him. There's alway hope and a PMA for that, huh???

[job]

There's always hope, but be prepared for anything. A dent into reality? No, I don't think so. His reality is very much different than yours. His reality is freedom, independence and yes, divorce. I hope that I'm wrong he gets himself together in the coming weeks.

[Sophie]

Just journeling updates for my own sanity.

This is pretty long because it covers 8 days.
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Tuesday 12-2

my S10's cute soccer coach tm'd me. CC(cute coach) asked if I'd like to get together for lunch to discuss stuff I am going through with the D papers. (Remember, I told Cc what happened and he said the L I picked was good, because it is the L his wife used in his D)

I said 'sure'...lunch would be nice.

CC: how about Friday?
Me: normally Friay would be great, but this Friday (12-5) is s14 birthday day lunch with me. How about next week, Thurs. or Fri?
CC: Awesome. Sounds like a plan:)

This was early last week.

I like CC.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friday 12-5

s13 and I spent our traditional 'stay home from school with mom for bday' together.

As I predicted, H tm'd us that day, the day before s13's bday to ask me what we were doing.

H has done this every bday, holiday since he moved out. Waits until the day before or the day of an event and then checks to see what I have organized and planned. If I am in a 'who cares' frame of mind...H joins us. If I get perturbed...H gets angry.

I have been in a 'who cares' frame of mind for months now. I just don't care if H comes or not.

Friday tm's from H

H; were you able to get everything you wanted for s13? I'm doing more shopping after work. Just wondering, k

L: I couldn't get the bike. I thought that would be good for both boys at xmas. Your thoughts?

H: bikes sound good for xmas. Maybe you could call me when you are done.

L: k

I called H when I got home and settled. Had a good conversation about gifts and s13's bday on Sat.

H called later from a store asking my opinion on a gift. H hasn't done that since he moved out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saturday 12-6-08

S13 14th bday....so now, he is s14

s10 had a soccer game. I was looking forward to seeing CC.

Earlier in the morning MIL calls s14 to say happy bday.

Then, she talks to me about getting together to take my kids and her other two grandkids to PA for a Christmas play on 12-29. It's everyone's xmas present. I suggested she talk to H about it. She planned this event on a work day. H and his sister cannot go because they are working. It would be only me, MIL, FIL, my 3 kids, and the 2 cousins.

This bugs me. I am having a really hard time with H's family pretending either H does not exist AND our situation does NOT exist. I can see why H has ISSUES!!

anyway....

H was late to the game...showed up when it was over. CC and I shared a look...like 'what the heck?' (I think another soccer mom has her sights on CC)

I was a little stressed over all the confusion at the game...and the ignorance of H's family.

H picked up on it and asked me if I was stressed or tired. I said...no, it was just a bad game (It was, s10 played his worse)

s10 and d8 rode with H. H said he had to make one stop.

H asked s10 and s8 'Is mom stressed out?"

D8 said, 'probably from work'

H: well I'm going to buy her some wine.

We ended up having a great family day for s14's bday...played football, ate out, came home and played football with the kids in the living room. I was the one playing and tackling the boys...finally H started to play and the kids told me to tackle him. NOPE!! A couple times I leaned into him, but 'can't touch that!'

Like crazy people, we played this little football game until 1am!! H left around 2am. s10 kept asking him to spend the night. H said to me, 'I'm gonna go just because I want to sleep in my own bed, because of my back. I'll be back tomorrow...let's go watch the steeler game at the restaurant'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sunday12-7

H comes back to MY house around 2pm....(after staying up so late...it was a very slow day)

H played football in the backyard with s14,s10 and s14's friend.

We all watched the steeler game here, s10 and I went to the store for snacks.

H is extremely comfortable here. It makes NO SENSE why he can't live here.

H stayed through dinner, until 9pm and went home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday 12-8

Nothing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today...nothing.


I am confused. But, I'll post all of that next.

[Sophie]

So

Holy Confusion!

My attaction to CC confuses me. It feels nice...and it also makes me experience what H probably was dealing with when he was hitting the slippery slope of an affair.

My inlaws confuse me. How long do I have to pretend for them??? And, how does my pretending that 'all is fine' help me with my marriage? I feel like I am going crazy acting as if their son does not exist in my life or that nothing is happening to me.

It wouldn't surprise me if they don't know that H filed those papers....but, I think they do.

My H confuses me. Holy poop...he filed papers on me a month ago!! Did he forget that??? I swear...!!...if anyone spent the weekend with us, you would think we were the luckiest family.


I am bored with H.

I am bored with inlaws.

I am bored with pretending that nothing difficult is happening to me.

I'm SICK of pretending and I'm SICK of being bored.

Confusion is Complicating everything.