Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

Hello again LNMW (and all others),

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my sitch, as we are both men and our situations are somewhat similar.

What is probably obvious is that I have always loved my wife despite what I did and despite my hurt feelings from her treatment of me in the aftermath. I have never stopped loving her; made a horrible mistake trying to heal my own hurt feelings ad bruised ego with an affair, but as I told my counselor, I wasn't trying to end my marriage, as stupid, selfish, and short-sighted though that may sound. Since we split, my primary adult relationship focus has been on reconciling with her.

1. Thank you for reminding me that I need to be very mindful to NOT appearing 'needy' when I interact with XW.

XW has definitely been the one initiating pretty much all of our being physically together (in the same location) under the guise of missing our children when they are with me. THAT has been going on for 2-1/2 years. I always oblige and welcome her into my space and into my time with our children. My thoughts have always been, no matter the differences XW and I have, life will be best for our children with ready access to 2 loving parents.

2. I agree with you on the whole touching topic. As I have previously posted, I chalk up both the nice and the not-so-nice interactions with her as EXACTLY what they are, no more, no less. Keeping that perspective keeps me sane and out of the always killer trap of placing expectations on her.

Last night, I went to XW's mother's house to help her with her Xmas tree (She asked for my assistance the previous evening). When I got there, it became very clear to me that XW's mother had concocted a reason for me and my children to come over, because the Xmas decorating process had already gotten underway, with decent progress, and when I asked my XMiL about bringing down the remainder of the decorations from the attic, she just shook her head and told me to sit down and relax and not to worry about it. XW was present and our interaction was nice. Oh yeah, BTW, she gave me a quick squeeze on my backside!

3.My ex-BiL and I are not close. I like him and I think he's really nice, and he does give me an alternate perspective on his sister, but that's usually things I already know about her like, "She's the most stubborn person I know." On occasion, he will tell me things that are welcomed and nice that I did not 'kknow' like, that XW really enjoys having me around with our children, but it is her stubbornness that prevents her from opening up and saying something to me. I do know that ANYTHING I say to him about her WILL get repeated back to her and it, invariably, will end up being twisted negatively, either by XW herself or the person who repeated the story to her. Always an ugly event, trust me. I am generally best served by keeping XW's name and anything about her to the absolute minimum; preferably keeping it to NOTHING, if possible. I also don't want to throw XBiL "under the bus" with his sister. Always caution. XW is always defensive and believes that others have a conspiracy against her.

XW does need to get control of her 'wild' side. She is 34 years old. She's NOT a kid. She does lose her temper when she drinks and, when drinking, she also regularly shows poor 'good' decision making capability, so yes, I do have concerns for her. I didn't have a lot of the concerns that I have now because, generally I was with her and able to save her from herself while we were married.

I want to help her, but I know that THAT cannot be the foundation upon which our reconciled relationship is built. We both need to be happy, healthy, and whole individually, so that we that together we have the opportunity to synergize both our love and our energy.

NOTES:
About 5 weeks ago, XW began asking me questions about DH#4. I simply told her, "Look, I haven't offered you any thoughts about DH#4 and you haven't asked me my thoughts about him 'til now. Let's just leave it at that. Besides, you two have been dating about, what...two months?"

She said yes.
I continued, "I am very confident that you will figure out WHO DH#4 IS and what he is like soon enough."
She nodded yes.
I said, "Well, with that being the case, you'll be done with him within about four months, but probably more likely three."
She said, "How do you know that?"
I told her, "Because I have been watching you for 3 years now, plus I am also very familiar with your 'dating' pattern prior to our getting involved with one another."
I continued, "And lastly, since I know I am right about your R with DH#4 ending soon, I don't want to take on the role of 'HIM' in your likely 'US' against 'HIM' drama should I choose to indulge your curiosity. End of story."

NOTE: She broke it off with DH#4 in one week, not 3. Perhaps she just wanted to show me that I don't know her so well. ;-) Who knows?

About 1 month ago, XW related her dream to me, out of the blue. She said that she had a dream and I was in it. I joked with her, saying that, "Now I feel violated." I smiled at her and winked and she laughed.

XW continued on with her dream story, telling me that, in the dream, I was smiling and laughing when she came upon me and she asked me why I was so happy. (Mind you, at this point she was still dating DH#4 still.) XW then said that (in the dream still)I said, "...because I know that we are going to get back together. We were meant to be together." In response (real life), I said, "Wow, hmmm."

Movement, yes. XW didn't have to relate her dream to me. I try to make it clear to her that I am open to reconciliation, but that I am not needy for her. It's a tough tightrope to walk and I know that everyone's spouse and the troubles in marriages are more similar than dissimilar. I will keep on keepin' on.

I must keep reminding myself that I must not judge my mission to win back my wife and to make my family unified again. I need to hold onto how far I've come in accomplishing my mission from I was three years ago. I have come a long way and I focus on congratulating myself for winning my mini-victories on my way to
my ultimate victory in reaching my goals and accomplishing my mission to make amends for my mistakes in life and in my marriage. Patience. Strength and honor. (yes, Gladiator quote)

Thanks for reading.

Tom