I honest to God believe that it I don't have a cigarette in the next five minutes I am going to calmly walk to my car, get inside, drive for an hour until I get to his office, knock on his door, and when he answers, I am going to bend down, take off my shoe and drive my stiletto through his f***ing eye.
Lord help me. Seriously. I'm going to fast for the next two days, but I don't know that I can give up cigarettes and food. It is counterproductive to my mental health.
At this moment, I not only don't care about my H - I actually hate him.
HATE.
Sunset is at 5:19. I'm smoking once the sun is down. At 5:20 I will have a cigarette in my hand or I will probably explode.....
Anyways, on to less volatile stuff.
Justwaitn: Thanks so much for the prayers, the support, and the breathing tips. Unfortunately, i tried the breathing - would have been lovely except that all I could think of was how much better I would have felt if it was smokey air I was exhaling....
I am going out tonight - actually, I'm going out every night and all weekend, so that's good. What I really want to do is go out and get some a**.
Maybe I should. Seriously, why not?
Yeah, I know why not. Damn.
Tom: Thanks so much for the support! It means so much to me, especially in moments like this when I'm feeling like a viscious b****. I think I won't be home when he comes to get his stuff. Sure, I'll be allowing him to avoid me, but in all seriousness, I don't know that I will be able to deal as gracefully as I want to. I think I'll need to wait until closer to the date and see. I'm sure whatever it is that he says when he meets with our mutual friend on Friday will be helpful. If he plays it up like a total jerk, I will avoid him. Otherwise, I'd have to beat him within an inch of his life.
To answer your question about filing for the D - no, it hasn't happened yet. He keeps trying to rush it along, but in the same breath he also wants to go and file together to save money and split the cost (NOT gonna happen - told him I'd file originally, but there is NO WAY). We agreed that filing for the D would have to wait until January.
But now that stupid, ugly, uneducated, worthless b****** that I married has gone and signed a lease to renting a f***ing house. A house that needs utilities set up and furniture and a million other things that basically say, "I really am done."
And if he really is done, then why should I care?
Sorry. Can't help myself. Feeling a little crazy.....
