Hey, FamMan! Thank you so much for coming here to offer more support and guidance. I really, really appreciate it, and I'm touched that you've been thinking about my sitch. Thank you.
I honestly believe this is a QLC - at least in part. Looking at his history, there are key points that jump out at me:
---He grew up dreaming about being a Marine because his dad was a Marine. He was sure it would be his career. However, once he got in, he realized it wasn't really what he wanted. That's been a battle for him.
---He entered into law enforcement because it seemed like the logical next step. It's what his dad had done, and he had the qualifications to do it. It was definitely the easy and encourage choice. He's worked as a street cop, a deputy, a federal corrections officer, and now as a narcotics detective. He's never been happy. He constantly is trying to jump to yet another law enforcement job where the grass is greener. He's applied for several federal jobs this past year, and has even turned a few down at the last minute. I know it's been eating at him.
---In truth, I did pressure him into getting married. Not that there wasn't love there, but we did rush into it. We both needed a next step after leaving college (me) and the marines (him).
---Little things jump out at me from the past few months. He got pissed at his dad and didn't talk to him for about a week after the election because his dad was giving him a hard time about his voting choices. He's mentioned many times that he feels he's losing his faith. He had a brief stint where he looked into enrolling in college to study ecology, but backed out at the last minute. He says that he didn't think it was for him nor was it the right time in his life (time-wise, financially). I know for a fact that his dad discouraged him.
---I asked him this weekend if the whole "baby talk" we had before the bomb dropped was a last ditch effort to test my reaction. He said it was a last resort to try and save things, to give him a reason to stay.
---He's been saying that he feels much older than he is. Before all of this happened, his supervisor had recommended him for undercover work in a local high school - as a student. We'd laughed about ti together - him and his crow's feet. But in truth, perhaps he does feel like time is ticking away. I know he's said a million times that he feels like he doesn't want to look back on his life and feel like he made a mistake.
---In our orginal discussions, I actually told him that I felt like he was lost. I actually told him to take this time because "he's never truly done anything that wasn't somehow based in someone else's expectations." Yeah, good job on my part.
---Then, look at the OW. She's young, immature, and not established career-wise. She's someone he could plausibly provide for but that likely also makes him feel younger - and looks up to him as a big man. Truth is, he cannot provide for me more than I can provide for myself. He knows it, and I'm sure it bothers him. I think it always has. I will always make more money. I will always be independent. Providing isn't always a monetary thing, but there's that piece.
I truly do believe that he's searching. He's running. He's always been very fickle and very rash in his choices. He literally has to make big mistakes; he's not the type to be able to sort out consequences mentally. And yeah, he's rejected his base - family, friends, God, me. He's even trying to avoid our dog.
I'm very annoyed by it all. I really need to go pray and get my feeling of peace back. I had a QLC myself about a year ago, but I worked it out in my head, dammit.
Ah well. I will pray for him to find his way. I trust in God that he will come back in time. I do not know if it will be days, weeks, months, or years, but I trust in God.
Now to just keep my own head right. It's hard to believe that after months or years that I would allow myself to reconsider once the rope is fully dropped. I'm just going to have to keep telling myself to trust God and try to think about things other than my R.
God bless you too, FamMan. I will pray for you as well.
Fasting is both more and less difficult than I anticipated. In ways, I am really enjoying it - feel light and clear-headed about 90% of the time. The other 10% I feel like I would willingly kill something (like my H) for a cigarette.
Forget food. I want to SMOKE.
In any case, I'm thinking I will fast for three days instead of the original one I'd intended on. I'm not sure if I should break the fast at sundown or if I should do three full days on a water-only diet. I suppose the spirit will move me in the correct way if I just stop overthinking it for a minute.
I find myself being a little more irritated with my husband. It's funny, because every time I want a cigarette or a coke or something to eat, I stop to pray - praise God, confess sins, and pray for my H. I feel great in those moments.
However, if I'm just sitting here working, I find myself getting angry. Why should I bother being with someone that obviously doesn't care enough about me to treat me right - or even try for that matter? Why should I want to be with someone that wants some 21 year old waitress over me?
Why shouldn't I just draw him back to me and then stomp him into the ground. At the moment, I'm so angry that I literally have no feelings for him at all. It's making it really difficult to pray for him every twenty seconds when I'm wither hungry or want to smoke.
Lord, please drive the devil away and give me strength.
I have to remind myself of my lesson here - unconditional love isn't easy, and it often isn't equal. Doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. And it's God will to remain married. It's God's will to submit.
Stuff to grapple with. I feel my old self rearing its ugly head, and I have to suprress it every few minutes.
I have to keep reminding myself that life isn't all about me and my feelings.
Feels like it would be easier to deal with if I had a cigarette in my hand, but then this isn't about doing the easy thing, is it?
God is great, and I had to focus on that. Nothing else matters, and there is no other true happiness or love than the happiness and love that comes from Him. This morning, the clouds were marbled, and the sunlight beamed down through the fissures in the sky. It was beautiful. And the leaves were dappled with such lovely light this morning as I drove to work. The birch trunks along the roadside with a perfect, icy gray.
Lovely day. Life is great. The anger will dissolve.
Ah, so another developement. I hadn't emailed/called him back yet. He got even more impatient and texted me just now saying: ---"Did you get my email? Wanted you to know about the power issue."
After waiting a minute or two, I responded: ---"Busy. Go ahead as needed & good luck."
He then responded: ---"I'll call later so we can talk. I know you're busy."
I didn't respond to that. So it is making him sweat. That's awesome. I bet he's wondering if I'm pissed right now.
Got to go make myself pray and remind myself that this is not about revenge but about love. I will pray for him again, even though I selfishly want to gloat.
Everything is more difficult without cigarettes.....
Yeah, I'm back again. Not smoking is really killing me.
One good thing that's come out of today is that I feel as if I could care less about him existing in the world. i actually feel a bit like he doesn't exist - like he's some kid I knew that moved away years ago and barely makes an indent.
Today, I have no idea why I ever loved him. All I can think of - between praying for him and trying NOT to feel this way - is that things were never right. That the marriage was a mistake. That there's nothing he's go that I want.
Must. Go. Pray.
Of course, when I think of him packing up and removing his stuff this weekend, everything seems even more hopeless. What is the point, now?
The D is on the way. Everything is happening so quickly. I know God can work any miracle, so I need to have faith in that, and I am trying - but things seem pretty bleak. I cannot believe that my life just changed overnight, and that he is the one destroying it.
I really do deserve better. He really doesn't deserve me.
Why go back to someone like that?
I seriously have got to get my brain back on track. Nothing good is going to come from this anger. I need to give it all to God and just let go.
I will be thinking about you. You are doing the right thing. I can see myself in your actions.
I make a point of sitting still when I am seeing myself getting worked up and just focus on breathing. (very new age I know) But I visualize my breath; nice clean air going in and icky, gray air coming out. I try to let go of all the anger, fear, anxiety as I breathe. I have even done this with my H when he would begin to get anxious about our R. I would just touch him on the arm and breathe. He didn't realize what I was doing the first few times, but he noticed that he would quickly calm down. It didn't fix our sitch, but made it easier to talk to each other.
When I talk to God tonight I will offer up my prayers for you.
This is just pointless. I thought of him going out and having fun with some stupid 21 yr old OW - and then f***ing her - and I think I lost my mind.
If he was in the room right now, I would crack his skull. I want to smoke a cigarette and then put it out in his eye.
See that? That's the old me. My ugly head is reared.....
Ok, so to ask something I've already asked, do you all think I should be there this weekend when he comes to pack/move his stuff? Or should I avoid it?
Go somewhere fun...be yourself...let him wonder why you aren't there to ask the usual questions.
For me it would be shopping for a kick a$$ pair of shoes.
I totally get the cracking of his skull. LOL. I used to picture just cold-cocking my H with a cast iron skillet. Sometimes just picturing the violence is cathartic.
Nas, if it bothers you that much; maybe you shouldn't be there when he comes to get his stuff. Not a bad idea.
You can rear your ugly head here anytime; that's what we're hear for.
Keep in mind that D is not necessarily a forgone conclusion right not; his moving out may be so try to focus one day at a time. right now you're not D and he hasn't filed yet has he?
I commend you for your strength to fast...it's not easy.
I honest to God believe that it I don't have a cigarette in the next five minutes I am going to calmly walk to my car, get inside, drive for an hour until I get to his office, knock on his door, and when he answers, I am going to bend down, take off my shoe and drive my stiletto through his f***ing eye.
Lord help me. Seriously. I'm going to fast for the next two days, but I don't know that I can give up cigarettes and food. It is counterproductive to my mental health.
At this moment, I not only don't care about my H - I actually hate him.
HATE.
Sunset is at 5:19. I'm smoking once the sun is down. At 5:20 I will have a cigarette in my hand or I will probably explode.....
Anyways, on to less volatile stuff.
Justwaitn: Thanks so much for the prayers, the support, and the breathing tips. Unfortunately, i tried the breathing - would have been lovely except that all I could think of was how much better I would have felt if it was smokey air I was exhaling....
I am going out tonight - actually, I'm going out every night and all weekend, so that's good. What I really want to do is go out and get some a**.
Maybe I should. Seriously, why not?
Yeah, I know why not. Damn.
Tom: Thanks so much for the support! It means so much to me, especially in moments like this when I'm feeling like a viscious b****. I think I won't be home when he comes to get his stuff. Sure, I'll be allowing him to avoid me, but in all seriousness, I don't know that I will be able to deal as gracefully as I want to. I think I'll need to wait until closer to the date and see. I'm sure whatever it is that he says when he meets with our mutual friend on Friday will be helpful. If he plays it up like a total jerk, I will avoid him. Otherwise, I'd have to beat him within an inch of his life.
To answer your question about filing for the D - no, it hasn't happened yet. He keeps trying to rush it along, but in the same breath he also wants to go and file together to save money and split the cost (NOT gonna happen - told him I'd file originally, but there is NO WAY). We agreed that filing for the D would have to wait until January.
But now that stupid, ugly, uneducated, worthless b****** that I married has gone and signed a lease to renting a f***ing house. A house that needs utilities set up and furniture and a million other things that basically say, "I really am done."
And if he really is done, then why should I care?
Sorry. Can't help myself. Feeling a little crazy.....
Keep your anger here on the board,OK? You don't need to be exhibiting that in public. Remember this though, anger is a very strong emotion and while you have the anger it shows that you are still emotional connected. Not there's anything wrong with that; I bring it up so that you can discern if he harbors any anger toward you. If he does, then it shows that he still cares.
We've all been in the place you're in right now. It WILL get easier; but it will take time and distance. Like they say around here; it is a marathon, not a sprint.
Thanks for the appreciation. I see some similarities in our sitches that made it imperative for me to follow you in your sitch. I hope that my experience, hope, and insight can help you in the least of ways.
