I screwed up again

[AnotherNightmare]

One thing I want to add here:

Many of you have been talking about detachment, and I know all of you have been working on it more or less successfully. Over the last 2 weeks, but especially during the last 2 days when talking to friends, one thought has come to my mind quite often:

I am going to make it, as long as my kids can stay with me and I can be there for them.

I feel this is what has been driving what I wrote in my last 2 or 3 posts. I am ready to put up a fight for them. Whether this ultimately leads to a breakup of our M, I do not care (well, I am not quite at that point, I would still like her to stay with us). I am getting a clearer picture of what is important to me, and I am not sure I see W clearly in that picture. I see a mother for my kids in there, but the face is not necessarily hers. I am wondering, is that what detachment feels like? Or is it still anger?

I did show her the Retrouvaille material. I have been asking myself what I will do if her answer is no. I am starting to think that I would probably file for a D myself. I feel kind of ready to try it on my own (it did feel pretty good the last 2 weeks). I kind of want to get it over with, one way or another. And if I have second thoughts, I can always pull the emergency brakes, because I am in the driver's seat. If she files, I do not have that luxury.

This plan is by no means set in stone, but right now I feel pretty good about it.

AN