Working on a friendship

[22tango]

(((Belle))) I am and amateur and new to this sight, and have been reading your sitch.

I know how you feel. My H actually had an A 4 years ago, but we decided to give it a try and I had a hard time letting it go. Here we are now-he is moving into his new place today, but we have been seperated for 4 months now.

The only thing I can tell you about getting over an A is that you have to work on yourself. It is so very hard, and I am realizing 4 years to late all the things I did wrong.

As far as DBing goes, I am like you. Sometimes I want H back so bad and I hurt for him and all I can do is cry about it. Then there are other days that I feel like I am more at peace without him. I worry a little that detaching for me will lead to me being done. Right now though, I am working on me and what happens happens.

Just give yourself time to find out what you want in your life. I think that part of GAL is that if your H does come back you will be in a better place to decide if that is what you want and if not, you have your own thing going on.

Tango

[Belle]

Thanks Tango

I know I need to work on myself, I have been doing that but it seems like I am struggling a bit right now.

I know I shouldn't listen to H's voicemails. I don't need to hear that he is having some sort of R with OW. It really really really hurts.

I was telling a friend the other night that it's not premeditated invasion of his voicemail. Like right now, I know his phone is off - it ran out of battery power and he has no charger. (US cell actually let him activate an old phone that I gave him - but I don't have the charger)

So I know I can check his voicmail right now. But I know better. It's not good for me. But it's those times when I call him up and then all of sudden, I get a bright idea to check as I'm listen to his voice say that he can't pick up the phone, leave a message.

Sorry for babbling......I guess I had been hoping that he wasn't still spending so much time with her and having such a close relationship with her - only b/c we had spent more time together and he had been telling me how much he enjoyed it and was thinking of me.

Silly me, for having more expectations.......

I will continue to work on me.....You are right when you say that we need to work on ourselves and what happens, happens.

I need to go check out your sitch!

[22tango]

Oh Belle, I know that pain of thinking about the OW and H all the time and how that makes you feel. The only thing I can tell you is to try real hard not to give that situation more power in your life. There is nothing you can do about it right now, but you can GAL and do things for you. The more you dwell, the more your thoughts and insecurities will sabatoge all of your efforts.

I am not saying that what he is doing is right in anyway shape or form, it absolutely is not. I know how difficult it can be to deal with the disrespect, I know the thoughts running through your head, but you must try very hard to keep up all the good work you are doing for yourself. Keep going to church and doing all the activities you are doing and when that little devil pops up on your shoulder again, brush him off and continue to work on you. You are doing really great-focus on the positives! I say this knowing the heavy burdens you are carrying in your heart-and saying all of this is much much easier than applying them, but I really believe that applying the DB principles will help no matter what the outcome is.

I hope you are feelong better today.

Tango

[22tango]

How are you doing Belle, anything new?

[Belle]

Thanks for asking.

Nothing new.

Called H last night - his phone actually rang. (Battery had been dead since Sat night and he didn't have a charger).

So I left a message but of course he didn't call back. Probably spending time with OW.

I know I am being SOOOOO negative and I don't know why.

Lousy night of sleep last night - has somewhat to do with my adrenals and somewhat to do with thoughts running through my head.

Struggling with this website also. It almost seems like I need a break. I guess I'm just so confused about how this is supposed to go. If H decides he wants to start something with me again, I supposed to be happy and positive and not ask questions. That just doesn't seem right. A relationship is supposed to involve honest communication between 2 people. I understand that being negative about the situation is not good. But there are things that will need to be discussed. I'm not just going to pretend that everything that has happened is water under the bridge. In my mind, things just don't "work out as they will". If the issues are not addressed, then nothing will change. It takes hard work by BOTH people.

Sorry for my rant and rave. But this is what I thinking as I lay awake last night. I know that all of these thoughts are stupid because I don't even know if my H will ever want to come back.

I've got to focus on putting H and OW out of my mind. I am more focused on this now more than I was from day 1. Again, it's probably b/c I thought things were cooling off between them and now I appear to be wrong.......

Thanks for listening

[22tango]

I know what you mean about mixed signals on this website. I know everyone says you have to do the opposite of what you think you are supposed to do, but it seems to me that there is no resolution of issues. it would seem like a false reconcilliation to me and I have been there before.

I read a post last night from southsidemac that gave me a little hope. He left his wife for OW and she kept pursuing him, but she finally had enough and truly detached. He had an awakening and realized what an a$$ he was. It was gut wrenching the things he said. He thought that he lost his chance because she was done with him and was moving on with her life. Anyway, the last post I read, his wife agreed to work on it.

I know that detaching is the best way to go about it, but if it works, then what?

I don't mean to be negative as well, but there are those days when we all get down in the dumps.

You are really doing well though Belle, stay strong and keep posting. get it out here before you think about taking it out on him.

Try to sleep well. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

[Belle]

Thanks tango.....

It means a lot to hear your responses. I don't feel so alone like I have been lately.

I know I can't take it out on him and I haven't said anything negative really since August. We did have one heart to heart where he said he doesn't need to go to church to know how to respect people and treat them well. I just smirked at him - and then he prompted me by saying "I'm not nice to you? I don't treat you well?" I told him that he certainly didn't respect me and he agreed and apologized for that.

He returned my call today but I couldn't answer. So I called him when I got home from work (8pm) and left a message. Of course, he hasn't called back. Probably with OW again. I guess he's not available at night. His message today said that he just got my message today, sorry he didn't call back yesterday.

What a crock, in my mind.

I never thought he could be a liar, but I have caught him in some lies in the last year.

Oh, well...Detach, detach, detach.

I'm tired of being available when his infidel schedule allows it. (Does that sentence even make sense?) :-)

Seriously Tango, I appreciate your advice.......Its nice to have someone listen to me and sympathize....

[Belle]

So, I did end up talking to H last night. He called back, was in bed studying.

Chit chated a bit and not much interesting to say.

I believe he lied to me when I asked him how he broke his phone. He did say "It got damaged due to high velocities" and I got a good laugh out of that. But then I asked - why? I said "You were at our house when you threw it, what were you doing?"

To which he said "Uhhhhh, I don't know.....Uh, I was reviewing my exam"

BS!!!!

More like "I was yelling at OW and she hung up on me and so I was pissed!"

Oh well, I guess he's not going to come out and say that.

Got some good sleep last night so that's good!

[22tango]

Glad you got some sleep. I need some good sleep too, but I am lacking sleep from my 10 month old son. Still doe not sleep through the night..

Right now your H is not going to be honest with you and he will continue to lie. You really don't want him to talk to you about the OW anyway, trust me.

I'm tired of being available when his infidel schedule allows it. (Does that sentence even make sense?) :-)

It makes sense to me. Don't be available!! Detaching is key right now Belle. Next time he calls, wait a day to call or wait until he calls you back. Don't sit around and wait and wonder what he is up to. YOU be the mysterious one. Make him wonder about you by not taking all of his calls, by being busy and you cutting conversations short.

heart to heart where he said he doesn't need to go to church to know how to respect people and treat them well. I just smirked at him - and then he prompted me by saying "I'm not nice to you? I don't treat you well?" I told him that he certainly didn't respect me and he agreed and apologized for that.

Don't get baited into having heart to hearts right now. No he is not nice to you or is treating you well and he knows it, he just wants to feel less guilty about it. You did a good job with your answer but next time I would avoid answering questions like that.

I re-read the LRT of DB last night and it is beginning to sink in.

I am gald I can be here to listen. It don't get a lot of responses on my threads, so I appreciate "talking" with you too.

Tango

[optimistwife]

Hi Belle,

just wanted to check in on you as the holidays get closer. You sound very down and frusterated! I am thinking about you and I hope you have some good friends and family near you that you can lean on...

If not then hang out here!