Fasting is both more and less difficult than I anticipated. In ways, I am really enjoying it - feel light and clear-headed about 90% of the time. The other 10% I feel like I would willingly kill something (like my H) for a cigarette.
Forget food. I want to SMOKE.
In any case, I'm thinking I will fast for three days instead of the original one I'd intended on. I'm not sure if I should break the fast at sundown or if I should do three full days on a water-only diet. I suppose the spirit will move me in the correct way if I just stop overthinking it for a minute.
I find myself being a little more irritated with my husband. It's funny, because every time I want a cigarette or a coke or something to eat, I stop to pray - praise God, confess sins, and pray for my H. I feel great in those moments.
However, if I'm just sitting here working, I find myself getting angry. Why should I bother being with someone that obviously doesn't care enough about me to treat me right - or even try for that matter? Why should I want to be with someone that wants some 21 year old waitress over me?
Why shouldn't I just draw him back to me and then stomp him into the ground. At the moment, I'm so angry that I literally have no feelings for him at all. It's making it really difficult to pray for him every twenty seconds when I'm wither hungry or want to smoke.
Lord, please drive the devil away and give me strength.
I have to remind myself of my lesson here - unconditional love isn't easy, and it often isn't equal. Doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. And it's God will to remain married. It's God's will to submit.
Stuff to grapple with. I feel my old self rearing its ugly head, and I have to suprress it every few minutes.
I have to keep reminding myself that life isn't all about me and my feelings.
Feels like it would be easier to deal with if I had a cigarette in my hand, but then this isn't about doing the easy thing, is it?
God is great, and I had to focus on that. Nothing else matters, and there is no other true happiness or love than the happiness and love that comes from Him. This morning, the clouds were marbled, and the sunlight beamed down through the fissures in the sky. It was beautiful. And the leaves were dappled with such lovely light this morning as I drove to work. The birch trunks along the roadside with a perfect, icy gray.
Lovely day. Life is great. The anger will dissolve.
