Okay...so, for whatever reason, mornings seem to be the tough time for me. By night my emotions have settled and I'm usually feeling okay - but the silence of the house in the mornings just leaves me thrown off for a while...I have to figure out a way to get around that...since it slows me down way too much.
Rob, I've read and reread what you wrote about a dozen times now...and I realize that there was still a small part of me that was resisting that reality - that my wife is really now a non-factor in how I live my life - and that the "ghost" of who she was somehow still entrances me. I will have to let go of that ghost - if, for no other reason than the fact that I don't think her mother will ever let her daughter heal the way she needs to.
At the end of last month I got an email from my W telling me that her cash flow was negative - which I felt was her usual way of trying to get help from me...but I did not step in and try to fix the situation for her - but then her mother was in town this past weekend - and it seems like things have changed a bit for my wife. Last night, when she came to pick up my son, she was wearing new boots, a new dress, a new scarf - really a new outfit - and then later in the evening she emailed me asking if she could get the extra DVD player from me today...so her mother visits - and my wife gets new clothes and a new TV (she had no TV before...so no need for a the DVD player). What this tells me is that her mom will do what she's always done - step in and offer to "help" my wife - when what she should do, finally, is let my wife step up and deal with the consequences of her decision - but that is the problem with their family culture - no one ever, and I mean ever, admits to the consequences of their choices - they all just pretend nothing happened - and her parents new thing is just to throw money at any problem that comes up...to me, it's how they control my W. My SIL knows it too - as she's said the same thing to me - and refers to my W as the squeaky wheel...and never having to fend for herself...
Anyway...I'm going on about this because it made me realize that there's really very little chance of my W coming out of her crisis with the way her parents step in...her father is self-centered, narcissistic and just aggravating - and her mother just has no idea what she's doing...
So it's out of my hands...and I have to focus on me and my kids...and I have to look at my life in terms of what I want to accomplish in the months and years ahead. Does this mean I'm locked off from my Wife now? No. Though it does mean that I won't be waiting for her to knock on that closed door. I can't do that anymore...especially since, over the last several months, leading up to her decision to move out, she has shown no interest in trying to work on herself or on us - and she really has to work on herself first. She was supposed to go to therapy - and her sister even told their parents that if they want to help her they could offer to pay for her therapy - but she isn't doing it...since she's still convinced that I am the problem...
And so this problem will take himself elsewhere...and live a healthy, fulfilling life to the best of his ability. What other choice do I have?
"As you develop consistency, she'll eventually see that she has no power over you any longer."
Those words really jumped out at me...it's all about power and control for her right now - and I was open to giving her a lot of the power and control for months - but then it became abusive - and that's not something I could accept or give in to any longer. She confuses abuse with power - and she confuses anger with strength...and that's just far too unhealthy for me to indulge or interact with any more.
She doesn't ever say hello or goodbye to me when she picks up our baby - though I always greet her and say goodnight - and we're keeping all communications to email now - which is good.
