So recap...my ex continues to see the gf...a girl he met at work June 07, when we were still together, but insisted 2 weeks ago when we met for a drink that he wasnt interested in her back then... that he only got together with her this August, it just happened, he didnt go looking for it, it wasnt a conscious decision...
His friends cant stand her, but then I know people with awful partners, but they are still with them! Last time I saw him (just over a week ago, Friday)..he looked tired and said tearfully "I dont know what I am doing really, I dont know what I am about". I said it was hard to not see him/speak to him and he said he didnt want to upset me anymore, that he had upset me enough already, that he couldnt stand it that he kept upsetting people.
He said contact with me "put him in an awkward position", but that he missed me and loved talking to me. He also said he "finds it hard to talk". He hugged me several times and said "I just want you to be happy". He said we would talk when he got back, but then he texted me the next morning to say, have a good weekend, speak to you when I am back. He was away for a week and got back this weekend. No contact from him so far.
I told my therapist the "secret" issues he has that I know about..I only spoke to an emergency C once about it, 3 years ago when I found out. I am the only person in his life that knows. She agreed it was the right decision to not tell people. She said she can see why I have so much compassion for him, but that I cant save him, he needs intensive therapy. She said she is sure that his new R is a form of self-harm, he is punishing himself as that is all he feels he deserves, that he is full of self-loathing and shame. Ironically, the fact that I was so loving and accepting and stayed with him afterwards is probably why he left me, as he is not acceptable to himself. He doesnt believe he deserves that unconditional love and acceptance and did that textbook thing..got me before I could get him.. so left me.
I always suspected it was this that blew our R apart, as we always had such a supportive, lovong, nurturing R with no issues or conflict between US..2 weeks ago when we met for a drink, I tried saying that I take ownership for this or that, that I was partly responsible for how things turned out, but yet again, he wouldnt hear of it. He was very clear "you did nothing wrong, you have nothing to take responsibility for" and literally shut me up.
So.. didnt realise I needed to get all that off my chest, but there you go ! Sorry for rambling.
So question is.. should I continue to not contact him? Leave it? I accept now he is gone.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
It is funny you should bring that up. I was talking to friend the other day about abuse. When you are abused, eventually you can and usually do start to feel like you don't deserve anything good. When you get it, it is hard to believe it is real and the good feeling feels so wrong, that eventually, you create a situation that makes you bad. Allows you to either be punished or run from the good. I guess the best way to describe it is getting comfortable and feeling good starts to feel really uncomfortable and not so good. Does that make sense?
It is a difficult thing to deal with and very hard to accept that you are worthy of the good that is coming your way.
I might leave it for a few days. But not too long. It sounds like he wants you to be there for him in a small way. Maybe send a hi, how was your trip or something. You need to remember, even with all of the history and knowledge you have, this is a total starting over point in your R. Who knows what type of R it will be, maybe just a friendship, but if it is going to be anything, you have to, to an extent, act like you have just met him. Casual.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Hey Kelaroon.. thats very interesting. And thank you, I was wondering if I should email him, casually. I guess he worries so much about upsetting me, he may think its best to leave me alone.
Yes, thats what the therapist said.. he is punishing himself. Its like self-harm. Although having said all of this, I can only assume he is happy and going forwards with her. Sure I'd love them to split up and whilst I dont thikn at all she is "the one", I also think they could be together for a long while.
.. as far as I know, he wasnt abused, but things did happen around 12-13 which that didnt seem THAT bad to me, but I could see how they would have a catastrophic effect. He later retracted alot of it though. He also barely talked to me about his Mums 6 year A, his parents loveless M or D, although I did ask of course.
So.. perhaps I should email him tommrow to say hi. There was something in the stars 7/8 weeks ago about Pisceas having until Christmas to go for the one you want, else it will be too late. Feels too late, sadly.
Hah! I found your thread on the first page still!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL
Keep taking care of you. You can try and be his friend, but if he doesn't feel worthy he might not accept too much. Just be his friend with no expectations.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Good Morning!! Missed you... Sorry I havent been posting much (and it did take you a long time to open up a new thread). I have been -again- busy trying to figure out things... I cant so I just gave up, LOL!!! xxxx K
Hey girls, well no word from him and its Wednesday now. Been a bit tearful! Hey ho.
Anyway, I found this hard to post, but I will.. I unwittingly became someones EA without spotting it until it was too late and he was actively trying to 'persuade' me into a PA. He said nothing specific, but he said plenty. I feel sad and angry about it. For his W, for me (is that all he thinks I am worth?) and for men. I am sick of all this BS. I have lost my faith in relationships. How am I supposed to date someone again after my ex betraying me and WA after 9 years with no effort to talk/fix it and now my BMF going the same way.
So, BMF37 is in Japan with his W (thank god). He phoned the day before he left first thing and told me alot of things. That he felt detached from her, that after 3 months apart the idea of family was abstract to him, that he felt single, that he is in MLC, but that he doesnt agree with men who have A and wreck the family, they handle it all wrong, it depends on your childhood background and he didnt intend to do that. No, he said, the thing to do is to have the mistress, but be discreet about it. As long as you maintain upmost discretion, the W never need know and you dont disrupt the children. The day before this he had been badgering me why I wouldnt just get involved with someone, for s*x if I couldnt find a new bf.. I explained about people being too old, too young, or M and so its hard at 37...he insisted, ahh, but what if a man is unavailable, he may SEEM as though he is, but what if that man was making himself available to you? You should go for it, why not, if he is making himself available...(and I thought he was a nice guy! Tsk).
Depressing isnt it? This is my best friend here of 2 1/2 years. And I'm friends with his W.
They nearly split last Xmas, she left overnight and he called the Police and reported her as kidnapping his children (!). They argue alot, he twice asked her to leave this year and go back to Japan. They both talked to me separately and advised IC, or MC, but they both refused. Then she needed an operation, so he persuaded her to have it back home. At first he was in a mess, upset and missing them and realised what he had lost.. then, the grass started to look greener hey.
As if I havent lost enough in the past year (career, home, cat, bf, my future with him) I now feel that I have lost my best friend here (as I am angry and I will have to tread carefully around him) but also, it has knocked my already fragile self worth. Is this all I am worth? An A with a M man? Lucky for his W that I have such solid morals.. as I do get on v well with this man and I am lonely and vunerable.
But I am an idiot, too trusting and naive. I thuoght it was a no brainer as he was M and he has been picking up the pieces of my broken heart for ages and he KNOWS I am in love with my ex still. I did NOT encourage him, or flirt, or compliment him or flatter his ego.. I was just myself (I make him laugh all the time and I guess I am no crocadillapig). My therapist said its not my fault, he is unhappy and desperate and thinks I am the answer ro his problems. But I feel crappy about it, seeing as I have been on these boards all year.
Not sure whether to email my ex or not. I feel so lonely after this latest blow.
Hi there Ali - for what it's worth - this sort of action isn't confined to men! I had a pretty much similar experience with my ex-boss - who I found myself getting a lot of validation from - concerning work I might add, at a time when I was low and feeling more and more remote from my W who, rightly was consumed by our then baby son...
Some months later, after I left my job cos I was feeling that things could get a little too uncomfortable with woman pretty much told me that her aim was to get me into bed and that she was sure I wanted her too...
I didn't...and I have hardly spoken to her since.
But I don't think these people are inherently lax in their moral outlook - just vulnerable themselves in the main...
I feel absolutely sure - its nothing to do with you - nothing that is flawed in you...
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
Thanks GFI.. guess needy people can get the signals mixed up. So it happened to you!?
I havent validated him either! My nickname for him is "Grumplestiltskin", I tell him he is lucky his W hasnt left him, I told him several times lately that he needs C. His answer was that he didnt need a "head doctor". Yes he is vunerable and lonely and a mess lately (he had to drink wine every night to help him sleep). Guess we got close, but I am not impressed and wouldnt risk an R with him if he was single! He is in MLC!
..I told Kalni earlier this year that there would be love one way or another by November.. and what happened? The Universe plays another joke on me...a M man! I hope he has reattached to his W by now.
...oh dear, talking to myself as usual! I was talking to someone about BMF earlier.. I really would not have done anything with him, no way, not a M man. I'm feeling pretty upset about it as I thought he genuinely was my friend and he should respect me.. still, they said, he is in crisis and weak and maybe he *knew* I wouldnt do anything and thats why he picked me subconciously. Which is an interesting view.
Emailing with Cher again today.. she told me that her BF is seeing my ex tommorow night. She also said her bf mentioned to her, that he doesnt think my ex is happy. She also said she thought my ex was a great guy and she misses him, but thinks he is staying away from her and BF, because she and Helen "dont like each other". Its all so wrong!
Thats not exactly news though ! And being unhappy and being unhappy with Helen are two different things.
Gosh I wish I could meet a nice, suitable (unmarried) man to take me out of all of this...! *sweeps arm around in theatrical manner*
