TxMom - how to get through the pain #3 post

[S.T. _I Made It!]

OK.... here we go - posted same thing on newcomers...

Thursday night talk was emotional and yes tears for both of us... he mentioned that he does think of us and miss all of us.... what is sad and I feel the bottom line is it isn't enough for him to come back... right now... he is in the thick of this OW and frankly someone who can suffer himself but still pick the OW and himself more times than not over seeing his kids (and I go back to this is a man who would have rather been home with the family than "guy" time most the time) I dont' think I want him back. I think this is says something about his character that you can't change...This is NOT the man that you M and you know this. It does not mean this is really him, it is NOT really him. Right now he has been pulled in with temptation and is fallin into the pit of sin which leads to death and the choices you make can help or break him

So this weekend was the first weekend I asked him to watch the girls both nights (knowing I'd see them yesterday for 5 hours due to D4 bday party) and both mornings were so hard... so this morning I call D4 while talking to her we both saying we miss each other and ILY's - H gets on phone and I just said you don't understand how hard this is for me... he says I know it must be.. we get into convo again as he wants to drop kids off early b/c of Cowboy game and he needs to drop car off at dealership... I tell him I have several hours of stuff to do so I'd call him and let him know. so Thursday he is emotional and sad.. today he is cold and mean... he could care less and I know it's because he has been with the babies all weekend and probably can't wait to get to OW house. He just stated that he is never coming back to our marriage, that he thinks we are two different people, the confrontation or conflicts we had are not changable or fixable.. I told him I never had a fighting chance, that he focuses on all the negatives about our marriage and not looking at any positives.... If you want to save your M, this is definitely not the way to do it. You can not tell him or talk him out of what he is doing, it won't happen. He is too far into this sin, it is like a drug. I know because I've done it myself. He's got to realize for himself what he is doing, and right now he's really emotionally sick. He is so focussed on himself, but when you DB for real, it will allow him to take the focus off himself and start realizing things. ALL of our spouses felt exactly as your H does. And I can tell you at least 3 people I know on here, there H's said the same things, and there Ms are reconciled, including my own. But you do need to be constant and strong and it's not easy. Giving up is the easy thing to do, and I don't want you to give up. If your H was as great of a father as he was, I can't tell you how wonderful he could be after all this is said and done. This could be an eye opening experience for both of you. It doesn't mean to let him walk all over you, no matter which road you choose, you basically need to do the same thing. TAKE CARE OF YOU, and stop worrying about H. Become the best you that you can be, and treat your H as a friend in the process. Show him by your actions how great your life is, because he is where he is because he knows things will never change. YOU SHOW him things CAN change, by your actions, not by your words. words mean nothing. as his own words mean nothing. Just because he says he will never come back, doesn't mean he truly believes this, otherwise he would have filed by now. He is still confused, so use that to your advantage. Start confusing the HECK out of him!!!

So I am no good at DBing... but I haven't really wanted to b/c there are somethings I needed to say for myself to heal.. Thursday was good and today was convo I wish we didn't get into. For H to think of himself before his kids is amazing and this is a man who lived with me very unselfish and would do anything to accomodate us and our family before his own needs... but maybe he has snapped and had enough. this is totally correct, and the OW is just another straw that breaks the camels back

New boundries, I packed some of his clothes today and have them by the door, told him I'd like him to get the remaining things out. He will also not be staying at this house while I travel for business anymore.. two kids and dog will have to go to his apt from now on as that is how it would be if and when Divorced. Now, when you do this, just act like this was his idea and act like your doing him a favor. Don't be mean, don't be ignoring, just talk friendly like he was expecting you to do it like, "hey, I gathered some of your things for you, it's in a couple boxes in the garage, whenever you'd like to pick it up just let me know"

I will go dark or semi dark.. no more questions (although I've said it before) I almost feel like filing for D myself but told him if this is what he wants he'll have to file. 'do not file, let him do ALL of that stuff

I just don't know how I'm going to get through the weekends with out my babies and the co-parenting will be another challenge in and of itself... being without my kids is truely the hardest thing of all of this... so not fair to them. you will get thru this. IMHO if you were able to handle it emotionally, I believe that you shouldn't make things happen faster than he's making it. But that is your choice and your boundary to figure out. I allowed my H to stay as long as the contact was outside the house. I told him I didn't want to push him out of their lives sooner than it needed to. The other thought is, if H isn't around you, then that means he's around something else. I wanted to have more influence on my H, and therefore chose to let him be around us as much as he wanted, unless of course I had GALing plans. It is important to not let them think you'd give up everything for them.