H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[Dawn of Hope]

Okay, other thread finally locked, a while after I expected it to.

I'm back from my workshop trip to Michigan. This was the final one of the every-other-month series that has been going for a year. I actually flew this time instead of driving, and was glad I did. It wasn't much more expensive than the fuel I would have had to pay for, and also it wasn't great driving weather everywhere I would have had to go. For the first of these workshops, back in February, I spun into a ditch in a blinding snowstorm during the drive there, and I really didn't want to repeat that experience.

It was a pretty good workshop experience, although I was sort of embarrassed that everyone else was considerably better prepared for "show and tell" on the last day than I was, due to my emotional issues causing me major problems with getting anything done over the last few weeks. I didn't talk about any of that to these folks, although we have developed relationships to a certain degree over the course of this year--I just felt that I have told enough people about my M sitch that it's time to be a little more restrained about it. I will continue talking to people who already know, but I don't think I need to spread it any farther right now. I also have this feeling that I need to stop saying negative things about H, and I have some distance to go on that.

I have not had any communication with H since our voice-mail exchange on Friday night, although the neighbors told me they saw him here both Saturday and Sunday, as promised, so I guess he got my message. It's a little odd that he didn't check to make sure I got back okay. Not because I think he cares what happens to me (although he says he does, I don't entirely believe it), but because if I hadn't, and nobody twigged to it right away, the cats would be in trouble because they would run out of food and water. I saw a few signs that he was here, so I would have known even if they hadn't told me, but there weren't any big surprises. I saw that he had taken a few more things, but not much. I was a bit disturbed to see that a few things had vanished that were in the "marital aid" department, but...well, it's not like I didn't know about his extracurricular activities, and heaven knows I won't be using any of that stuff without him. There's still plenty of it here, though. (Don't get too excited...it's nothing very outrageous!)

I ended up staying up all night Saturday night trying to get this final project done, and then working as I could during class. I slept almost the whole flight home on Sunday evening(although that was less than two hours), then 15 hours that night.

I just signed up for FB (under the name Dawn Hope) a few days ago, and have now linked up as friends with Kalni, Ali, Lisa (One Day), Mishka, Jeff (Virtually Handsome)...umm, several other people have sent me friend requests, and I accepted all of them, but I don't know who all of them are here on the board! So if you did, and the correlation is not intuitively obvious by your FB handle (and you didn't send me a note of explanation with your friend request), please send me a FB message explaining who you are! I still need to spend some time posting pictures and filling out my profile, but I'm signed up, anyway. I'll probably not check on there as much as here, so if you send me a private message on FB, please post a note here on my thread so I will go check FB ASAP.

I'm feeling more detached from H now. I really don't care to hear from him unless he changes a lot from the way he's been with me lately, and gets his brain back. I'm certainly not contacting him unless I have to to handle business. I could check up on him, of course, as I know where he will be at certain times, but I just don't really care that much right now, nor do I see any point. I'm still puzzling over the $1500 that appeared on the credit card bill for a furniture store in OW's hometown. But I'm not spending a lot of energy on it.

Frankly, I'm just worn out after nearly a year and a half of dealing with this man who looks like my H but really isn't. I'm still sad, tired, angry. I just wish he would go away and come back when he's reformed, which hopefully won't be endless years away, but I can't count on that. I know I have work to do on myself, so that's what I will concentrate on. I know I've made a lot of strides from where I was a bit over a year ago...but sometimes it seems like the goal keeps getting farther away. I don't feel numb, exactly...more like emotionally (and physically) exhausted. I'm still having a lot of problems getting stuff done or going to bed at a reasonable hour, although I don't cry much or anything. I'm pretty sure this is my depression popping out with a little different pattern, although I've had trouble with both of these things for a while, but not as much as I do now.

Sorry to be such a voice of doom and gloom right now. I'm really sort of caving, I guess. I felt pretty good this weekend when I was with my classmates (when I wasn't feeling guilty and embarrassed about my lousy work habits), but I haven't actally seen another person since I got home Sunday night, and haven't talked to anyone except my mother. Just been hiding in my house with my cats; haven't even taken a shower in two days. Yuck, I guess I really am having problems. I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon (nothing to do with my mental health, just a routine unrelated checkup), and yoga class tonight, so I should be getting out a little. <sigh> Guess I'll catch a few hours of sleep before I have to be presentable. I'm getting sort of sick of listening to myself complain, so I'm signing off now.

Peace,
Dawn