PM Thread #2

[PositivelyMommy]

H showed up today with a tan (from going away with OW last weekend). I said nothing.

H cleared the table except for my things. I said nothing.

Otherwise, things are as usual. He's very avoidant. He avoids being alone with me. When with kids we act like everything is OK. When kids leave the room, he leaves with them. I can tell OW is still very much in his life right now. I am hoping against hope that reality is creeping into their world. With the holidays coming up, I hope it gives him a headache thinking about how to divide up his time.

I asked for his advice on the kids, hoping it would start him thinking about the deeper issues of parenting, other than playdate stuff. How to deal with the more difficult situations, DB coach taught me this. He said he has to think more about it.

[davidswife]

Hi PM,

How many db coaching sessions have you had? Are they helping you?

How have you been feeling? In your last post, you told us what happened with your H, but how did you feel about your interactions or lack of interactions?

I'm happy to hear that the C is talking about accountability for your H.

dw

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Davidswife,

I've had 5 sessions with DB coach over the last six months. I think it's helpful because unlike traditional counseling which is very focused on me as a person, DB coaching is more results-oriented and very pro-marriage and it gets to the thick of things right away.

They are helping me in a way that really opens my eyes to why my H behaves in certain ways. It's nice to hear something telling me when things I'm doing is not beneficial in the marriage as opposed to traditional counsellor who is SO careful not to tread on my toes that sometimes I need a firmer hand.

Also both my DB coaches, Joanne and Jodi are so kind and so focused that it helps me focus very quickly into the major things that I am doing wrong and help me get back on track to a better marriage. I may not like what they have to say, but it gives me food for thought and I know deep in my heart that they are right.

I am feeling a little stronger now that we are over his holiday. I needed someone to brace me and not panic whenever I find out that he has lied yet again and he is spending more precious and romantic time with the OW. I am so jealous for myself and for my kids. But DB coach tells me I have to do the opposite of what my gut feeling is telling me. My gut says to scream and preach and cry and try to talk logic and sense into him. But DB coach is telling me to show him that I don't need anything from him. That I can have a perfectly happy normal life without him. Because begging is not sexy. Because being confident, happy and relaxed is way more attractive. So that is what I am trying to do. To GAL for myself and also to produce a happy vibe. It's working on me too because when I act happy, I become happier!!!! It's true. If I act sad, I become sadder. So if I have a choice, I'm going to choose happy! So I exercise almost everyday, do things I like to do, do some work, put in some quality time with kids and friends and I am fulfilled. I try not to think about the bad stuff and my loss.

That's why I was hesistant to go to separation counselling with H because I didn't want to dredge up all the negative feelings, it felt like backpaddling. But my IC says it's important to do the agreement so I finally agreed. IC will draft something up and the three of us will meet on it.

I will try to stay positive, though and not try to get all worked up about everything. That's why I am keeping my mouth shut. The more negativity that comes forth, the worse our relationship gets. It's that simple so I am keeping a lid on things. I don't want to backpaddle anymore. I don't want to give him fuel to file D on me. I don't want him to give him another excuse to fly into OW's arms and take 'revenge' on me. I am trying to be more zen and let things go. Not bury them and hold grudges but truly let everything go. That's the only way I can find peace for me. That's for me, not for him.

[TxMomw/2girls]

PM ... thinking of you... you sound great and have come so far in this process.

I need to call DB coach myself.. I clearly have backstepped bad and haven't wanted to "save" marriage mode.. but now that we've had talks and he is planning on filing in January I need to close my mouth too .... and last two days I've felt really good and like I'm detaching ...

You need to hold H accountable and glad to see the coach and IC is focusing on this too... it keeps him little more grounded and I would bring up Christmas and what is plans are in regards to the kids...

hang in there... thanks as always for the great advise you give me ... I know I haven't always followed it but I am going to do better now..

[PositivelyMommy]

For all my friends here who does not know about this book. It's called, 'Surviving an Affair' by Williard F Harley, Jr and Jennifer Harley Chalmers. I am reading this and it really helps with the whirlwind that our spouses are creating at the moment. It perfectly describes what is happening with the dynamics of our relationship with our spouses and what to expect in the coming months. It also outlines plans on how to get over this difficult period when your spouse is having a full-on A and how to deal with it. It is helping me adjust my expectations and have a more long-term view of my fight for my M. It works well with DB principles and I would recommend it to anyone.

[hope3343]

PM great book. I swear they really are like addicts with their R.
I too have been backsliding. I think the holidays have put pressure on all of us which sucks. Need to get on track even if it is with going dark till I get my emotions in check.
I just put a stich up "Losing my sanity" with my story. take care. keep it up.

[Superstar]

PM ... thinking of you... you sound great and have come so far in this process.

I need to call DB coach myself.. I clearly have backstepped bad and haven't wanted to "save" marriage mode.. but now that we've had talks and he is planning on filing in January I need to close my mouth too .... and last two days I've felt really good and like I'm detaching ...

You need to hold H accountable and glad to see the coach and IC is focusing on this too... it keeps him little more grounded and I would bring up Christmas and what is plans are in regards to the kids...

hang in there... thanks as always for the great advise you give me ... I know I haven't always followed it but I am going to do better now..

Hi TxMom,
Should I still email you my L info? I really cannot recommend him enough. He is "AV" rated, which is the highest rating a L can obtain. The fact that he has been practicing in Collin County for 22 years is just icing.

I love him more the longer I know him. My L bill for the month of November was...0.7 billable hours. Yup, Zero Point Seven. LOL! I paid this guy his retainer in SEPTEMBER and I still have half of it left. My W on the other hand has dropped nearly $6K in the same amount of time.

For wanting a 62-day Texas divorce, my wife (or her L) sure has dropped the ball. We are going on 80 days and I STILL haven't seen a draft D agreement.

[TxMomw/2girls]

PM -

I have read this book but my emotions were running too high to play nice and friendly ... I really think the detaching and GAl, moving on methods work best ....

but my emotions have calm down I don't feel so vulerable and might be able to stop all the "talks" and just "be" and show a happier me... I really feel good and have realized that nothing that I say is going to matter... yes he'll show tears one day and then cold the next time we talk..

Let me know what you plan on doing with Surviving an Affair and how you are going to implement...

[davidswife]

Hi PM,

I ordered your book from Amazon - looking forward to reading it. Sorry I haven't checked in for a while - I've been using my energy to implement no contact w/H again.

We go to court today, I had asked for an extension for our divorce date in September, today I tell the court that I want to proceed w/the divorce.

Blah.

It sounds like you're doing great. Would you recommend DB coaching?

dw

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi TxMom, it sounds like your emotions have calmed down today. That's good. I know you are on a wild roller coaster ride. It's all perfectly normal and totally expected. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Your H is the same way, one day he is amenable to being nice to you, the next he is bracing himself for a fight. But instead of mimicking his behavior, you can just chill out and detach from his negative energy. I find that as couples bond with each other, they are very aware of what the other one is feeling and there's a sense of reciprocal mimicking and empathy going on. It's very natural and it's what bonds us together. When one person is sad, the other person is sad as well and it just shows that we are close. But now is not the time to show anger or upset. I think you are slowly progressing to the next stage. The first stage of shock and feeling of abandonment is the worst but I can tell you when you move to the second stage, it will be much, much better. We will help you get there. Detaching is great because you will find a little bit of peace and happiness instead of hinging your emotions on your H. Have patience and we can help you get there.