I screwed up again

[AnotherNightmare]

As I read through parts of DR again last night, I tried to evaluate what has happened over the last 4 weeks since the bomb.

After the initial week of pleading, begging etc, I discovered this forum and DB. So I applied that. After some initial baby steps, I think my W's trip back to Germany was a step backward, maybe a significant step backward. She most likely met with OM (and potentially turned the EA into a PA - even though I am not sure of it, I actually doubt it - but what does it matter?). I do not think I did anything differently than in the week before when I started DB and seemed to see a little bit of progress. What has changed?

I think the answer to that is OM. He seems to have some power that I clearly do not have right now. He is able to influence her in a way that I am not, because she does not listen to me or hear me. So that is a fact I have to deal with. And I feel whatever I do it will help me as a person, but I will not make any progress on saving our M as long as OM is in the picture.

I understand this is out of my control, but I am coming back to something somberbrow mentiond earlier. I need to take a stand and set boundaries (and stop being Mr. Niceguy like I have always tried to be). She said a day or two after the bomb that she wanted to end this M with integrity. Well, I will define for her what integrity means to me (basically exactly what somberbrow said: we behave like married people until the day we get divorced, no contact with OP that we cannot share with each other, no lies, honesty, we work together on the custody issue, on how to separate the estate etc etc). But I will make clear to her it is all or nothing. She cannot have integrity on one issue and a war of the roses on the other.

When I told her that I would fight for what is important to me (primarily the kids) I know that it became clear to her that she might not get all she wants maybe for the first time in her life. I know she is afraid now. I know that she and probably OM interpret this as a threat (as I said he probably twists every word I say in my mouth without having been there) trying to put the blame on me again. But in a way (and at least in her eyes), it should have been a 180. She always claimed that I did not care about my kids, while this clearly shows that I am putting my kids first (I personally think I have always done that, maybe not every second of my life, but whenever possible and I truly had a choice). I even told her that I was working on changing positions internally to be there for them, if necessary as a single parent.

So again, as much as I work on myself and become a better person, I do not think it will help my M as long as OM is there. I can only hope this realization will help me in the process and maybe even with detaching myself from her.

AN