My IC explained to me that one of the worst parts of depression, as a disease, is that the disordered thinking that comes with it, prevents the sufferer from seeing that something may be clinically wrong with them.
They just assume that life is a piece of crap and that there is no way to make things better. It never occurs to them that something may be making things seem so much worse. I guess that's why they have to fall so far before getting help.
All I know is that I have a big old anxious knot in my gut even though I am telling myself repeatedly, what happens at the doctor's office does not concern you. You cannot even know if he will show up.
Disclaimer: for those of you who have been kind enough to read all of my posts, some of this will be repetitive, and clearly, it is long. I have good reasons: (a) I think it is good for me to revisit what I have done, to take stock and (b) it lays the foundation, in one place, for my current thinking.
In the DR MWD tells us to try things, watch and take note. I start to think things are getting worse, I just do not know for sure to what the "worse" applies.
When I started DBing on 10.21.08, I was applying the LRT. H and I had just met in person, at my request, and had a very emotionally charged R talk. I somehow had enough sense to tell him I accepted his decision (had not yet read the DR) but we did have a long, R talk. H agreed at that meeting that he would "try" spending time with me as friends though he doubted my ability to do it.
I stopped initiating any contact. It took H 10 days and then he sent an email. This was the first contact initiated by H since leaving in August. It was also the first time he did not say anything negative about me or us. Instead of insisting he was happy, he said he was miserable. I replied in a brief email validating his feelings and being supportive.
7 days later, H sent another email on his own initiative again telling me he is misearble. I replied in the same manner as the previous email.
10 days later, H called and invited me to meet him for lunch. This was my first real shot at showing him some positive changes. I did well, I was calm and collected. Talked about GAL activities. I looked and smelled good. There was no R talk at all.
My DB coach warned me H might retreat after this and that after some time had passed, I should send an email trying to ease H's guilt over the pain he has caused me. So I did. I had heard nothing from H for over two weeks, so I emailed H to tell him I understood his need to leave and that I accepted it. That I was learning to embrace the challenge of finding my own happiness and that I had already accomplished some self-improvement for my own sake and that I was proud of myself. That was almost 1 week ago and nothing.
Last night, had to call H to leave a voicemail re: upcoming md appointment. Nothing. I know not to have expectations and I do not. But, I will note that in the beginning of this, H would at least send an email thanking me for the business stuff. If I am applying the DB techniques, I think I should not overlook the change in behavior.
What I take away from this is that the LRT mighthave been working. I say "might" because H had already agreed to spend time with me as friends. When he called for the lunch, he said in his message and later in person that he called because "I said I would do this, so I am doing it." When he said that to me at lunch, I smiled and very nicely told him that he need not do anything out of obligation, that I had no expectations of him. So maybe that is why he stopped emailing or calling.
And even if LRT was working, it seems to have stopped working. I made an appointment to talk to my DB coach because I could really use some positive plan of action, even if that action is to do nothing. I really need some reinforcement that some of this is to be expected and that I am not completely bonkers for thinking we might reconcile one day.
I started this by stating that I am not sure where the "worse" applies. It may be very good for my situation that H is withdrawing more and more. If his depresseion/MLC is getting worse, maybe he is approaching rock bottom. I simply do not know. I accept that I cannot have the answer right now. I am just trying to sort out my next steps.
If you made it this far, I cannot thank you enough. If, in addition to making this far, you actually post something, I probably will never be able to repay you your kindness.
Beth, the DB coach will help you with a plan. I always feel better after talking to mine.
Just one other thought...we are both early into this according to everything I read. A rule of thumb I read here says to expect 1 month for every year of marriage. My M/R lasted about 12 years also. It seems like a long time to wait, but it will give us a chance to GAL. I know I need to do so.
Yikes, that means I've got 22 months (and my wife has 23, since she couldn't remember what anniversary it was)...
Beth, have you talked to "trapt" at all? I think trapt gave me some interesting insights into MLC and might have some interesting thoughts on your sitch.
Stop eating those shallots, they're making you think too much!
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Beth Just finish up catching up your post... I am not sure you may be over analyzing things. I would suggest do not do anything after your coaching session. Question to you: If you decide to call him for lunch, then you don't hear from him or he just decline. How would you feel? I am not saying just stay in denial. I still see you are focusing on H's behavior which you have absolutely no control over. I know it is hard to detach, but we (LBS) have to do it to survive. Please try not to put any time line on anything. I guarantee you any time line will NOT be yours. If your H is a deep depression, he can only be helped from professional. I remembered you said some sort of hotline his boss will call. Any action from that end?
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is mystery, Today is present.. Stay in present, keep working on ourselves is the best way to handle the future.
Trust yourself Beth, you are lots stronger that you think.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
Wow, you all are troopers. Thank you so much for reading all of that and posting to me. I am looking forward to my coaching session as they always make me feel more positive.
NW, I hear you and I appreciate the concern but I am only focused on H's behavior, with this post, to the extent it helps me suss out "what works" so I can forget the rest as they say.
Also, I may have misunderstood something you were saying to me, but I am not considering emailing H for lunch. I have no plans to reach out to him at all for the time being.
{{{Beth}}} Good idea to journal everything together like that..I like that and at some point I ought to read my postings and write myself a little journal like that too!!
It IS hard sometimes, isn't it, to know what is and isn't working, especially in your case..where you don't see/hear from your hub..tho..I'd like to have NOT heard from mine tonight (LOL..see my post on my thread for further explanation on that one
I think, from what I know of you from the boards, you seem to be doing everything "right"..you are GAL'ing and PMA'ing and caring for your husband's health all the while trying to detach yourself the best you can..
I hope you have a wonderful night my friend and I am always amazed by similar ways we think and things we say..you even said something tonight about telling your hub not to feel you are an obligation..had that very same convo with my hub last week..LOL..weird isn't it?
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Well, here comes the lesson, again. Anything can happen. Got a brief, very brief, little email from H this morning to thank me for my call on Sunday.
I am trying a 180 and it makes me very uncomfortable. I am not going to reply with a "you are welcome." I am always the last to email. And there really is no reason to reply to a "thank you" email.
I think he can feel "I want you back" from me, like it radiates out of my pores. I am trying this little 180 for me to detach a little and to show him something different.
