I think I need to be supportive, but more in a quiet, uderwritten way. As I am very dark to her right now, i have to show that I have soemthing to offer other than her wiping her feet on my back.
I feel strongly about the beneficiary deal. I don't want her benefitting from anything from me at this point. If she comes back, I can change it, if not, my kids will benefit.
I have to draw up these lines, and boundaries, because I believe they are important. As I posted, you know me, and you know that I would take care of her. But right now, I am everything to my kids, my grandkids, my home, my pets, and all my creditors. She is someone who calls and says hello, how's it going. Telemarketers do the same thing. Emotionally she is all set in her life, the rest rolls off her back. I do not see pain or confusion or any other negative emotion when I see her. If she is happy with her life, then I don't see her ever coming back. Lala land is good to her, drinking 4 nights out of 7 is good for her, being financially burdened is good for her, having this OM who has nothing to offer other than a bed and more alcohol is good for her, then, no, she will never come back.
I have a good life right now. I am an emotional mess and would like to have someone i can share everything with, but I don't. I pay my bills, I worry about health insurance, car insurance, home owners insurance, my D17 school lunch, if she eats enough, how she dresses, Xmas presents, keeping everything together. This takes a lot out of each day. i am spent each day. I was feeling guilty for sitting my butt down around 8 some nights, but you know what, my days are pretty full of issues that i deal with.
I feel pretty good today. Have to pick up some "women" products for D17 today. she was embarassed to ask. Told her not to worry about it, been doing it for years.
I think I am doing OK on almost every front. I wish I had more money to be able to get everything done around my house and Xmas, but who doesn't. My biggest concerns today, clogged tub (shampoo cap in drain most likely) and getting the dog a bath and her nails clipped. Not bad, not bad at all. My mind wanders to her still, especially when I lay down at night and again when I wake up. But 29 years of not doing either alone has a way of doing that to ya. My new Celtic Cross somehow makes me feel better, psychosymatic I am sure, but it does. Looking forward to tonight and spend time with a friend and this weekend have me feeling good as well.
No AmyC I am not vindictive, I am not vengeful and I am not out to destry her on any level, I am leaving all of that to her!
I have done too much to this point to even consider that. If this is how she wants to live her life, there is simply nothing I can do about it. I would love to talk to your husband and get some thoughts about questions I have, question I don't ask here, questions I now ask in Church. I am starting to answer them in my head. I believe the answers are true, mostly. So this is keeping me sane, but angry at the same time which I am confident is normal. Anyway, wanted to get your thoughts on my post about church and the Celtic Cross I got in Boston. You seem to be a decently spritual person and woukld love to hear your thoughts ont these two things. TTYS, have agreat day.
Dday, your thoughts are well received and the pain and anger in your response are the same I feel. Posting here helps get it out of my system so that I don't act on them. I find myself very rational lately and very few things can send me off without some thought process. this site helps me vent. Our sitch sux, no doubt, but we must shine through, without doing that, there is no light to call them home, there is no reason for them to come home and without shining, we cannot become better people. You have a great day and keep posting here to me, look forward to your resposnses as we are peas in the same pod.
