Stage 2.25

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

Thanks for posting. It's great to hear from you. I know you are trying to help, and I do appreciate that. I know my H has emotional issues, and he is in IC, hopefully dealing with them. He has been going for about 3 months now, so he really is working on himself. I have seen massive strides in his attitude over the past month.

I'm not getting IC right now as I really don't feel the need. I am not devastated by the way that he is right now or the way that I am feeling. Of course I am confused and would like more improvement, but I feel that I did enough soul searching and introspection over the summer. I think IC is a great idea, but I am not in the place where I want this right now. I just don't think that this would be something that would help me at the moment. I could be wrong, and will be open to it down the road I think, just not now.

I really have to disagree on H being abusive though, as you knew I would :). I do think he's passive aggressive and rude at times, but he has not yelled, lost his temper, or said anything truly hurtful since I have been home. On the ISP I had signed a yearlong contract for something we thought wouldn't work, so it was a big deal and a lot of money. Luckily it worked out anyway. Yes I am standing up to him now when he says things that I feel are rude, so I do think this is a good idea and a 180. It seems to work fairly well. I also think you're right that he has control issues. He felt as though he was controlled throughout the M, so even Jody had suggested that he wants to be in control now. He wants to control the pace of things etc.

I am not ignoring my intuition about my H though. In fact it's quite the opposite. My intuition tells me that things are improving beyond what he is showing me. I do know him quite well, and I can tell that he is struggling. Honestly, I am not a victim of abuse who is protecting the abuser when I say this--my H is the most loving, loyal, wonderful man any woman could hope to be with. I am really proud of him for facing up to his issues through IC, and for taking care of himself through exercise and healthy eating. I assure you that if I thought there was no hope for things getting better, I wouldn't be in this still. I know we don't have a healthy M now, and I know this isn't possible without both of us actively and openly putting forth the effort. I am in this for the long haul though...

So hope I don't sound defensive, it's just that things always look different close up. What I definitely take from your advice is the need to show my 180 of responding to his passive aggressive behavior more firmly.

ITH