Stage 2.25

[istherehope]

Journaling...

It's been a weird past couple of days. Yesterday I bought H's ticket to LA after IM discussions.

He had class at night, and got home near 11 PM as usual. When he got home I was in bed, and he turned on the light and started making sort of passive-aggressive comments about how I should have been up waiting for him. He was joking around, but there was clearly more to it. He went upstairs and ate dinner, then came back down and in a rare bout of what seemed to be total honesty, said that it was depressing when he got home and I wasn't awake to hang out and talk with him. I said that I had just been really tired, and that if it was that important to him, he should just tell me and that it wouldn't be a big deal to be awake in the future.

Then he wanted to talk A LOT about his family in Mexico, how many of them had grown up really wealthy but had never done much with their lives. They are quite a spoiled bunch, though very nice guys. H didn't grow up wealthy like they did. There was this strange palpable energy in the air. It had been a long time since we had any kind of serious talk in bed like that. Then he said how he had planned to have a "lone wolf" Christmas, his code word for spending time alone, but that now I was there with him. This was really weird and I didn't know what to say. Then he said, "but you're still going to give me space, right?" I said "of course", then mentioned again that I was going to be in Seattle for a week by myself. I have NO idea what he means in terms of space, but I didn't want to ask specifically. I had given him the out where I could have stayed at my friend's at any time over the last 3 weeks, and he didn't take it. When I am not around, he says I should be, and so this elusive space is confusing me. I really didn't want to have that conversation in bed at 12 AM when he seemed a bit off, so I didn't ask. It will be up to him to tell me what he wants. After all of this, he wrapped himself around me and kissed me on the face.

This morning I was running a bit late, and he said in this really cute voice "you are taking the train with me this morning." So I went to the train station with him, and on the way we were talking about Mexico flights. We still need to buy them flying from LA. He said "let's just see," but then he said he was joking as he knew I hated that phrase. At least he recognizes it...I said that yes I did hate it.

Now, turns out that his cousin cannot have the baptism until February, so we have bought a non-refundable ticket to LA for the month before. He wants to still go to California, but now we may not go to Mexico, and he may go on his own in February, while we are supposed to have Brazil in March. We were talking about it a bit via IM, and he said "let's talk about it later." He is really annoyed with his cousin and the sitch and I don't blame him. Now this changes everything in terms of our trip though. I was really excited about spending time with his family and such, and this may not happen now.

All in all H's actions continue to demonstrate that he really wants to be with me, but there are a few weird behaviors here and there that are confusing...

ITH