Is she is or is she ain't (my baby)?

[sleeper]

Purr,

Funny you mentioned "long view." Last night for the first time I wondered how I would react if X married OM. I would hate for that to happen and have reason to hope it won't as she has said on more that one occasion, (about 1 year ago the last time) "it isn't like that." I feel I can hold on as long as it takes.

If she gets married however that would be the end for me.

I do find it intriguing that she has more contact with me when OM is out of town, almost like she doesn't want him to know (He's out of town now and she invited me for dinner last night).

Last night I also decided to lose a few more pounds and do a little wardrobe makeover. I'm going to have some fun with this regardless of the outcome.

Heck if you're not having fun why do it?

[Purr]

Sleeper,

Yeah, that's the maddening part of all of this for so many LBS's: the WAS doesn't want to completely let go--only 90%! My C said it is like w's comfort zone is such that she wants contact but only at a certain distance, and with little/no commitment. On the other hand, the LBS is wanting to be closer, constantly held at bay. Sounds like the same thing with your X.

Good for you for focusing on being physically healthy and getting into shape! That can only be good for you no matter what.

[sleeper]

Is I is or is I ain't crazy.

X and I needed to talk about kids last night(I have them this week). I tried several times to get her with no answer. As it was late I texted her a lot of info and gave up, then went on to bed.

This Am I dropped off more info at X's. X called a little later and went ballistic. Accused me of being passive-agressive in my communications with her, drug up a couple of baggage issues she has concerning parenting, (guilt for not being available concerning her children?) She hung up on me twice.

I wasn't expecting this reaction from her. Looking back she thought I was angry and that colored her interpretation of my text to her. I believe she was upset by some of the issues themselves, maybe some guilt and took it out on me.

I texted her a long text explaining why I had done what I had (to avoid misunderstandings), told her I was frustrated when I texted her last night but wasn't angry and meant for the info to help, not hurt. I ended my text with, "I'm still in love with you damnit, even now" (the phone argument was pretty bad.

She called me back a little later, totally calm. Said she didn't know what to say about what I had texted her (still in love). I told her she didn't have to say anything.

She wants me to call her as soon as I get off work.

Having no expectations.

[Andabelle]

I do think she is feeling guilty. Good luck.

[sleeper]

I called her after work as she requested. Moments after she got on the phone she had a second call. For a moment or two she was going back and forth from me to the other phone (in the past she would have said, I can't talk now" and hung up). I finally said, "You poor thing you're so busy, let me let you go." She asked, "Are you OK?" (that's new). I said yes and we ended the convo.

[sleeper]

So we had out talk.

This AM there were actually two phone discussions. The first was normal, exchanging info about kids and she even mentioned a rental house near hers again. She knew how much they want per month and how many bedrooms there are. I told her no, too expensive (about 140% of my current rent).

About an hour later she called and went ballistic on me. I should have discussed it earlier with her, I had upset her while she was getting ready for work and made her late, I was passive agressive in the way I responded when i couldn't reach her by phone, I should have dealt with the problem immediately when it arose, yada yada yada. I texted her an explanation of why I did what I did and added "damnit I'm still in love with you."

We talked the last time this evening. She accused me again of being "passive agressive." I mostly let this slide but did mention embarassing it was having to pick up the pieces of my @ss off the floor at work after our phone fights this AM. Funny how she can say anything in the book and hang up on me multiple times and I am being "passive agressive" in the way I word a text message.

She didn't mention my text that I was still in love with her so neither did I.

I did suggest we get together and have dinner once a week while trying to avoid the term "family dinner" to discuss events of the previous week and communicate better so things like this might not happen again. I suggested we do this each Sunday night at kidswap. She agreed and even suggested the resturant, one where we've had several meals as a family recently. I was kinda surprised how receptive she was to this suggestion.

Is this a baby step or just an adjustment in her new world order?

I'm thinking a little bit of guilt about the kids, and missing her children in general. All that angst churns around and gets aimed at the easy target: me.

I wonder how OM will react to X and I having a set dinner date every Sunday even though we will be with the kids.

[sleeper]

I did learn a couple of things.

X is hyper-vigilant to me responding angrily to her. It makes no difference that she is outwardly angry in response to what she percieves as "passive-agressive" behavior by me. She is also concerned that I am depressed.

This makes sense in light of my behavior while I had PTSD. DEPRESSED and ANGRY pretty much describes my state FOR YEARS and DRUNK toward the end as I self-medicated myself. I've been working at 180's for two years now. Everyone gets frustrated or angry from time to time. The problem is that if I show any inkling of that emotion X percieves it as being the "old" me.

X called me tonight, said she ran into an old friend of mine with whom I shared a love for music and were were in some bands together. I haven't seen him in years and stopped playing about 1 year after D was raped and therefore 1 year into the trial. I laid my axe down and haven't picked it up since. It was so long ago (5 years) I no longer have the desire. She encouraged me to call him because she said I was happy when I did that. I told her being with her made me happy. How can she think making music would make me a happy person if I still didn't have my wife and family? I don't get it.

I flirted heavily with her this afternoon. She smiles and sometimes laughs when I do that. She did today.

There were three stockings hung on the mantle. I guess that's a good thing but still kinda sad.

[sleeper]

You may want to learn from my mistake.

In the heat of an unexpected argument that occured Tuesday AM I texted X "I'm still in love with you, damnit." At the time I was frustrated at what I considered to be her over the top response to what she percieved to be an angry text by me. I admitted to her I was frustrated when I texted but I didn't deserve the reaming I was recieving.

I hadn't shown her any overt affection or said anything along those lines in about 1 year. It appears I have driven her back into "the tunnel." She didn't respond to my text yesterday (about kid needs) or a phone message I left last night. This was following her lecture that in part was on the topic of communication Tuesday and a promise by her to keep her phone on and on vibrate at a minimum (her idea).

I need a vacation.

I need a life.

[C_K]

Sleeper

It appears I have driven her back into "the tunnel."

The short answer to this will be guilt. If she loves you she will feel guilt over what happened in the past ( her actions ) . If she doesnt feel she loves you , she will feel guilt that she doesnt etc. She doesnt know how to respond in a way that either dosnt make her look bad or that wont hurt your feelings.

In my opinion you are too focused on her and each response. She is on the rollercoaster and you are riding along in the car behind . Its time for you to step off and watch from the platform.
Concentrate on your actions and life , you can do this and still care. When she has an unreasonable hissy fit , take the attitude " frankly my dear , I don't give a dam " .
Lead the way , dont follow , take control of your life .

I will tell you one thing . If and when you decide to date the wheels are going to fall off her trolley.
My wife who once described our M as a sham , had 2 affairs , since leaving ( a year and a half ago ) has had at least 2 BF's has been angry for 2 weeks because I had another woman ( attractive one at that ) in the car when I dropped D off a couple of weeks back.
Said Woman is not a romantic friend either.

Dave

[sleeper]

And the hits just keep on coming.

Had contact with X today, totally acidental and she totally blindsided me.

X told me her health insurance company (the new one) has dropped her and she is "uninsurable" because she is "high risk" (she presently needs surgery).

I responded, "that sucks." She said something about her last one canceling her. I commented it was crappy of them them to cancel her for a late payment (I think they did it on purpose as they knew she needs surgery). She then snapped and said, "The payment wasn't late they never sent me an invoice. I want you to leave you're being a d*ck." Huh? She went on saying, "I tell you I have no insurance and all you say is "that sucks."

She needed someone to lash out at and I was available.

She knows if she hadn't divorced me she would still be on my health insurance.

I left.

"Hello darkness my old friend....." Simon and Garfunkel