Hm... she just picked up my son and it was a strange interaction...I had told her that I might be going out of town - since I knew that her mother would be in town this weekend - and that she would want to have more time with her grandson (my son is their first grandchild). As it turns out, I have too much work to do this weekend - and won't be able to go after all...so when my W came by tonight, she asked me if I was still going out of town this weekend - and when I said no, she said, "that figures" - and was already getting pissed off...then she asked me if I was expecting to have my baby boy with me on Saturday - to which I said, I would love to have him, but that I thought it would be best for him to spend the time with his grandmother - and not have to be handed back and forth so much that day - that way he could just enjoy his time with his grandmother...when I said that, my W's tone suddenly changed and she asked me if I would like to have him with me at some point that day, and if I would have my S11 with me.
I once again said that I would love to have my baby boy with me - but that I would rather do what seemed best for him on Saturday - and then she said that she thought her mom wanted to spend some time alone with her too - so that maybe she would bring my baby boy by after all...
Anyway...all that "drama" aside, I had a wonderful evening with my baby tonight - just played with him a lot - filmed him playing and talking...and singing - and then just watched a bit of Finding Nemo with him until she picked him up. He seemed a bit under the weather - so relaxing just seemed like exactly the kind of thing he wanted to do.
...another odd moment of the day...my FIL called me today - to ask me about getting a Christmas gift for my mom...didn't know what to make of that...so I just let it be...and said that she really liked what they sent her last year...
okay...I've got to eat something and get myself at least a bit ready for that men's group tonight...
I went to see Slumdog Millionaire tonight - and it was just amazing - a beautiful film - which in many reminded me of Rohinton Mistry's A FINE BALANCE (a heartbreaking and beautiful book).
I stepped into a cafe before the movie and ended up having a nice conversation with a very attractive woman - oddly enough - we talked about marriage and relationships - as she was in school working toward a degree in psychology (an older student, btw...so nothing uncomfortable about talking with her). She had a stack of books in front of her on a coffee table (the cafe has couches and coffee tables instead of the usual tables and chairs) - and I noticed that she had three books that I had read in the last eight months...plus a book called Reconcilable Differences - so I asked her about that book - and we chatted for a while until I left for the movie.
There was nothing untoward or overly assuming about the conversation - though she did at first think I was a professor for some reason...which made me laugh...and we just had a nice conversation. It was nice to have a regular conversation with someone - even though it was about marriage and relationships and family, etc (all the stuff she was writing about at the time) - I didn't talk about my life or my wife or my situation - we just talked in general terms about the challenges and difficulties involved in making a relationship work...
I shared with her a story about a friend of mine that had just told me about his frustrations with his wife over how the family spends time on Sundays. He told me that he was upset with his wife because he really wants Sunday to be a family day - for all of them to be home - him, his wife, their kids - but that his wife is always going out - when I shared this story with the woman in the cafe, she just smiled and said, maybe he should have told her that he loves her and misses her during the week, and that he spends so much time working every day of the week, that it would just mean a lot to him to spend time with her and their kids on Sunday...in other words, she said, to sum it up, why doesn't he just tell her what he really needs instead of what he wants or what he wants her to do...so simple...I thought...and yet I hadn't even thought of suggesting that kind of response to my friend when he mentioned it...
So that was part of the conversation - and then I went to the movie - and enjoyed it tremendously. Coming home tonight to a quiet home wasn't nearly as rough as I has been the last few weeks - in fact, I kind of liked it - especially since I finally set up my new bed in the bedroom - and have "moved back into" the bedroom so to speak...I'm rearranging more of the house now - and plan on getting the holiday stuff out tomorrow so I can set up the stockings for the boys - and some of the lights around the living room. My S11 and I won't be here for Christmas, but since I've decided to celebration it with the boys on Dec 20 - before we leave - I'm going to get a small tree and do Christmas right...as a celebration with my children.
It's strange...I don't miss my wife much anymore...I often find myself thinking of just how comfortable it is not to have her at home anymore...her anger...her resentment...her strange way of getting competitive with me...It was something our MC noticed - but I thought she kind of over-stated her perception when she claimed that we were both competitive...I don't compete with anyone but myself...and have often felt sad and disappointed when I've noticed my wife getting competitive with me - as it was often during times when I would be turning to her for support - and instead she would make it a conversation about herself - and what she knows...etc...
Okay...enough of that...sometimes it's too easy to find the negatives in my relationship with my wife - I know there were positives too - I just find myself playing the role of a scale sometimes - feeling the weight of negatives thoughts pull one way one moment, and then having the positive thoughts pile on and pull the other way the next...ambivalence, I suppose - but it keeps my going in its own strange way.
Oh...tonight...when my W picked up my baby boy she told me, "well, I talked with my mom and she said she thought is was going to be a regular visitation weekend - so I was thinking of dropping baby off at 10am and maybe just picking him up earlier than usual...like maybe around 6pm." She said it as though I would mind spending time tomorrow with my son - which of course I wouldn't mind...so that will be nice...but it was just so silly that she had to talk about it in terms of her mother's decision...not her own...just before she left I stepped toward my baby to rub his head and tell him "I love you" once more - and she pulled him away and glared at me in her familiar venomous way...so I just said "I love you" out loud and then went inside...
I guess I'm just getting tired of the toll she's taking on us and my life...she's costing us a lot now - and making things a lot tighter than they had to be during the holidays...and her decision (or actually, her lack of decision regarding us) is also affecting my children - in that I now have to finance things a bit more carefully than I had been - and have to adjust how much I've been putting into each of their education funds...I haven't asked her to contribute to our baby's plan - as I don't think she can afford it - and I don't mind taking care of it myself...still...it just irritates me that she could be so petty and immature...and not step up and take responsibility for what she's done and what she's doing...yes, there's a touch of anger there in me...but it's mostly just frustration...which I expect will pass as well...especially if, as I am hoping, this dramatic change in my life will push me to push myself harder - in which case things will eventually be fine.
Is everyone just shopping for the holidays? It's been so very quiet around here lately..
Some journaling: Spent the day with my S2 - he is just so sweet and loving - we played a lot and he took a long nap today. This morning, just before my W dropped him off, she called me to let me know that she was on her way - and she sounded friendly for the first time in a long time - of course, I think it was just because her mom was there - and she tends to enjoy putting on a show of being fine when her mother or anyone else is around...so it didn't mean much to me - especially since when she actually got here - she was the same as always - distant, cold, angry....
When she came by to pick up our baby, she continued to be cold - though she finally said hello to me when her mother stepped out of the car...so, again, when theres a witness, she puts on her performance...I was nice to her and to her mom - there's no reason not to be...though I do find that my detachment seems to be growing - morphing maybe - into just outright indifference...and that might not be so good...
Do I still love my W? I think so...I love the memories at least...but beyond that, I have no idea...maybe it's just a phase...I don't know...but I find myself just thinking that she's too unhealthy to be with as a husband...She seems fine as a mom - but what would I really gain from staying in my marriage with her? The list gets shorter every day...which surprises.
I won't do anything to start the D process...but I am not in any way opposed to it...sometimes I welcome it...sometimes I just wish I had this mess behind me already and was already moving forward completely with my life...I looked into high schools for my S11 today...and sent off some requests for information...I also spent a lot of time writing -and reading through some of my writing from over the years...and couldn't help but think that I enjoyed writing more before...and I want to find that enjoyment again...that's not my wife's fault - it's mine...but I have a lot of work to do to find myself...and to fulfill my own expectations from myself and for my kids...
I found myself on and off my own roller coaster over the last couple days...mostly on Sunday...when I just felt very sad for my wife - and wished so much that she could find a way to heal...I miss my life with my wife so much sometimes...the good times, of which there were many - though I do have to be careful about forgetting the bad - since it's the bad stuff that needs to change if there's even a remote chance of our getting back together in the future.
Right now...when I think of the person she has become toward me, I couldn't imagine being together. But my love for her is still there...I feel it in me right now as I'm typing - and I felt is this morning when I was talking with my T. We agreed that I have to continue to move forward with me life - and focus on myself as a way of focusing on my children - and that I can't just put my life on hold in the hope that my wife might come out of her crises.
I don't know if here mother is still here or if she's already gone back home. I got an email from my W yesterday afternoon asking me about our baby's winter boots and also letting me know that she had mistakenly used my account to pay her credit card this month. I hadn't asked her about that - so it was good to see that she's trying to address things like that.
Last night I called to talk with my baby boy and say goodnight - I ended up leaving a message - but then she did call back around 9pm (which I thought was very late for S2) - and handed him the phone for me to say hi and I love you...
I have a lot to do this week - but I'm already looking forward to this weekend - since my S11 and I have decided to celebrate our little Christmas together on Saturday. I'm going to get a simple tree and decorate as best I can...I'm also going to ask my W is she wants some of the ornaments for her place.
My father called me yesterday from South America...and it looks like he'll be staying there for a long time - at least until August of next year. So...it will just be my S11, my mom and me for the holidays - a small affair - but I'm going to do my best to make it a fun trip for him...I just hope I don't fall apart completely not having my baby boy with me for his second Christmas...just thinking of that hurts like mad...
Carlos, I think your growing indifference toward her is a natural process that I've gone through myself. I believe that indifference has helped me with my detachment; which isn't a full detachment. I still have my moments as I did this weekend. I see you slowly growing apart from the sitch which is good. you need more interactions like you had with the lady in the bookstore who is studying Psych. Getting out has helped me tremendously.
Hi Tom: Thanks for coming by. It would be nice to get more moments like that - of simple interactions with someone...not that I'm ready to go the next step of going on a date or anything...but it is nice to feel less invisible.
My W's father called to ask me to do him a favor today...asked I would mind checking out a store and see if it was worth placing an order from them...(the store is near me -500 miles from them)...so I said sure...he then asked me if my S11 and I would be coming up to their house for Christmas...so yet another reminder that he's just out of touch with reality....
No one in my W's family is ever held accountable for their actions...which may be why my W has such a hard time with me - and with the fact that she had an affair three years ago...and that I would tell her it hurt me...her responses to my sadness were: to threaten to kill herself, tell me to get over it, claim it wasn't an affair, tell me that because of her affair I would never accept her as good person...
Maybe the only way for my wife to become the person she wants to be - more self-confident, strong, assertive, independent, healthy in love - is to destroy what we have/had and start over...I don't know if that means starting over with me...but I do know that I am learning a ton about myself in a short span of time...finding stuff I like, love and want to change...
I've been off the site for a few days now, but I'm caught up w/ yuo and I want to comment on some of the things you've said.
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I saw your note about having a drink, Rob, and so I obliged...in your honor.
I hope it was good and cold, my brother. Thank you for thinking of me.
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I realized just how far apart we are - and just how far I am from her. I do love her - I think I just always will - but I don't see the same person in her eyes anymore - not the person that shared memories with me - not the person that married me - not the person that used to enjoy my cooking...It was like looking at someone that I had never met before
Sad, but true. You are looking at someone you haven't met before, b/c this person was never out in your relationship. The key here is to keep remembering this and not allow yourself to fall back and dream about the "ghost" you fell in love w/ b/c that person isn't around any more. They may come back, they may not. That is something you can't control, so do make the same mistake I did and keep holding out hope for the return of the "ghost." I cost myself a ton of grief over this.
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Other things that I'm working on are just calling out to friends more often (last night was the first time I've had friends over for dinner in ages) and making sure that I get myself up and out of the house more....
Absolutely the best thing you can do. Good for you! They are waiting for you to call them, by the way. They know you are hurting, but don't want to pry. Again, this is a lesson I learned WAY too late as I was stubborn and trying to "tough it out on my own." The only thing that got me was more misery than was necessary and the final realization that I was completely full of crap. Keep this trend up regardless of how you feel.
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Detachment is a strange animal...I've let go of my attachments to my wife - and yet the love for her that I have continues to ache inside of me. I have it under control though, which is why I won't pursue her, get into arguments with her, or talk about our R/M anymore.
Again, you are way ahead of the curve here, so keep going. Another lesson I refused to completely embrace, but it is the truth. You must do for you and you alone right now. Your W is a non-factor and non-issue in your life. Keep "dropping the rope" every time she begs you to pick it up. Keep this up and be consistent. You don't need to fight, but you do need to stand up for yourself. As you develop consistency, she'll eventually see that she has no power over you any longer.
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We're not talking much at all
Continue to keep the contact w/ W to a minimum. Silence is not only golden, but it is your best friend right now. If she calls, make her wait a bit before calling back. Don't answer texts right away. It is ok to wait for a day or so to respond. It will only work in your favor, so keep the silence as much as possible.
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I am finding better ways to focus on my life. I've started trying to dress a bit better no matter what I'm doing - and that seems to make me feel more positive about myself...I've also started wearing contact lenses more often...since I sometimes feel like I hide behind my glasses and don't really open up to people the way I do when I don't have them on.
Focusing on you is the key. I'm so glad to read these statements from you. Keep this handy for those times when you are feeling down as we humans will do from time to time. Don't forget how good you feel when you focus on you.
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While I have no idea what will happen with my W - I am completely certain - and have unwavering faith in the fact that I will come out of this a better man - father, friend, son, and...possibly...husband
I feel the same way. It is amazing and a bit sad that sometimes the greatest gains in life have to be achieved through the greatest of losses.
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but I do know that I am learning a ton about myself in a short span of time...finding stuff I like, love and want to change...
You are on the correct path and in a good, good place. Keep marching in this direction and do like you did today...look back on your own words... when you need reminders and inspiration.
Hey, you can also get in touch w/ me if you need a pep talk at any time, my brother.
Carlos Thanks for stopping by post...it means a lot. I know what you mean. You and Tom are both right. It is just nice even talking to stranger in the doggie park. I found out there is fine line between detaching and not becoming WAS. Like you, I am not at that point yet. 'I am learning a ton about myself in a short span of time...finding stuff I like, love and want to change...' I think that's the beauty of DBing. You have became a better self throughout this process and this is something that your W can never never take away from you. Keep up the PMA.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
Rob and NW - Thank you both for stopping by...it's nice to have some company...
I have to keep this short because I have a ton of work to do tonight - and may end up having my first all-nighter since I was in grad school...should make me feel mighty old by the time I'm done.
I didn't know that learning to be a better person could be so very painful - but I'm finding that when the pain subsides there is a new kind of happiness there...and a sense of what I have to do with my life that I hadn't had in years...it's comforting and good.
I feel like I'm getting to know myself for the first time...
Okay...so, for whatever reason, mornings seem to be the tough time for me. By night my emotions have settled and I'm usually feeling okay - but the silence of the house in the mornings just leaves me thrown off for a while...I have to figure out a way to get around that...since it slows me down way too much.
Rob, I've read and reread what you wrote about a dozen times now...and I realize that there was still a small part of me that was resisting that reality - that my wife is really now a non-factor in how I live my life - and that the "ghost" of who she was somehow still entrances me. I will have to let go of that ghost - if, for no other reason than the fact that I don't think her mother will ever let her daughter heal the way she needs to.
At the end of last month I got an email from my W telling me that her cash flow was negative - which I felt was her usual way of trying to get help from me...but I did not step in and try to fix the situation for her - but then her mother was in town this past weekend - and it seems like things have changed a bit for my wife. Last night, when she came to pick up my son, she was wearing new boots, a new dress, a new scarf - really a new outfit - and then later in the evening she emailed me asking if she could get the extra DVD player from me today...so her mother visits - and my wife gets new clothes and a new TV (she had no TV before...so no need for a the DVD player). What this tells me is that her mom will do what she's always done - step in and offer to "help" my wife - when what she should do, finally, is let my wife step up and deal with the consequences of her decision - but that is the problem with their family culture - no one ever, and I mean ever, admits to the consequences of their choices - they all just pretend nothing happened - and her parents new thing is just to throw money at any problem that comes up...to me, it's how they control my W. My SIL knows it too - as she's said the same thing to me - and refers to my W as the squeaky wheel...and never having to fend for herself...
Anyway...I'm going on about this because it made me realize that there's really very little chance of my W coming out of her crisis with the way her parents step in...her father is self-centered, narcissistic and just aggravating - and her mother just has no idea what she's doing...
So it's out of my hands...and I have to focus on me and my kids...and I have to look at my life in terms of what I want to accomplish in the months and years ahead. Does this mean I'm locked off from my Wife now? No. Though it does mean that I won't be waiting for her to knock on that closed door. I can't do that anymore...especially since, over the last several months, leading up to her decision to move out, she has shown no interest in trying to work on herself or on us - and she really has to work on herself first. She was supposed to go to therapy - and her sister even told their parents that if they want to help her they could offer to pay for her therapy - but she isn't doing it...since she's still convinced that I am the problem...
And so this problem will take himself elsewhere...and live a healthy, fulfilling life to the best of his ability. What other choice do I have?
"As you develop consistency, she'll eventually see that she has no power over you any longer."
Those words really jumped out at me...it's all about power and control for her right now - and I was open to giving her a lot of the power and control for months - but then it became abusive - and that's not something I could accept or give in to any longer. She confuses abuse with power - and she confuses anger with strength...and that's just far too unhealthy for me to indulge or interact with any more.
She doesn't ever say hello or goodbye to me when she picks up our baby - though I always greet her and say goodnight - and we're keeping all communications to email now - which is good.
