I told him that I knew I should let him go, because he needed to eat, but that I was hoping to talk to him soon about my future with school and everything. He said that next week would be good since he'd be in Maine but would have a lot of free time. Then there was sort of an awkward pause and he asked if there was something else I wanted to tell him. I sort of laughed (nervously) and said I thought it was funny he could tell I had something left to say. I asked him if he would have time to meet me for a hot chocolate or something when he was in NYC in early January. He said yes, but he couldn't do that much outside of rehearsals with his string quartet.
he thanked me for helping with his brother, I told him he was always welcome, and made a joke that I'd be happy to help with Operation Rescue C... he could pilot the helicopter, I'd wear the parachute, etc... Before we got off the phone he said, "call me."
I guess the conversation was a success?? There was laughter and humor. I was surprised that he joked about sexual topics in a conversation with me... and I was surprised that he gave me his schedule. I was also surprised that he went sort of deep into his past conflictedness about his path in life. Overall the conversation felt kind of heavy, and he felt a little "harder" than I remember in some past conversations, I don't know why.
I feel so sad. I felt pretty good after I got off the phone, and then just spent the rest of the evening ruminating. I guess I should feel good that we've already talked twice on the phone in the past 8 days, and that he said I could call him next week. I was hoping I'd see him more than once in dec/jan... now maybe I will see him for a couple hours in january. And then not until... june? if I'm lucky, and he's in town when I am? WTF am I doing? I feel so discouraged. I also feel like he is holding me at arm's length... this is the second conversation where I told him I needed his advice at the end and he said, "call me next week." and then him being so busy with his quartet in january.... I really miss him. I miss his friendship and his love and having him in my life. I don't know what I'm doing, I feel so sad!
I am sorry this is sooooo long... thank you to anyone who actaully read this.
(((EVERYONE))) love, T
P.S. the good news is that I finished my last (massive semester-long) homework assignment... only one more final on thursday, and then I think I can graduate!
