Ahhhh, I got kin in that body!

[transformer]

I also told him that I have friends who've transferred in the middle of music programs and it takes them literally like 7 years to finish their 4 year program because so few credits transfer. B also said he didn't think that C would actually have the energy/focus to pull off transferring very soon. So then I suggested that maybe we could try to "open his eyes" by encouraging him to do a semester abroad, or some kind of cool summer program where he would meet a bunch of really cool people. We brainstormed about that for a little bit.

At some point B started comparing C to where B was when he was in college. He said that he was raised to believe that in order to be a good Christian he had to develop his "God-given talents" on the violin. That he felt he'd never been able to *choose* his path, and that he was afraid that if he didn't walk the path of becoming a violinist, it would be "WRONG". I gently asked if maybe his brother hadn't internalized these expectations as much as B. B agreed, but also said that C told him he was concerned if he didn't develop his musical talents that it would be "a sin." At this point a little lightbulb went off in my head and I said, "Hey, that reminds me of something I read a couple days ago that made me think of you.. this theologian thomas merton." And then I read B a quote from p. 400 of passionate marriage (don't worry, I didn't get a chance to identify the source), where he says that "sin isn't about unconfined desire, but our refusal to desire and grow, our refusal to belive in ourselves, and our willingless to live below our potential." After I read it out loud to him I realized that I meant to be encouraging brother C to explore... but the quote could be also taken as "you MUST develop as a musician", and I told B that maybe I wasn't being clear. He sort of changed the subject at this point and said that he thought it was more about C becoming an adult and realizing he could CHOOSE his path, going through a transition from being a follower to being a leader.

[transformer]

Then he reminisced for a while about the crisis he had in his early 20s, where he stopped playing the violin and spent a lot of time on the beach and wanted to learn how to surf. I just listened quietly.

At some point he told me that he should get going because he needed to eat dinner (at this point I think we'd been on the phone for over an hour). I asked him if he had gotten my message, and he said, "about how you wouldn't be in NYC until after the 11th?" I asked him if he would be around after the 11th and he explained that after he's finished in Maine he flies straight to sarasota, florida with his string quartet to help run this music program for high school students over the christmas holidays. (Interesting... that explains why he would have gone home for thanksgiving, but pre-bomb he was adamantly opposed to doing the same program last year, and was devastated that I didn't want to spend christmas with his family. wonder what changed.) Then he proceeded to basically give me his schedule for january. So he'll be in NYC for about 5 days in January when it would be reasonable for me to be there. I was surprised that he was comfortable giving me his schedule. I told him that I had been thinking about going back to NYC in January to play for some teachers. [It also makes me wonder how he could possibly start a new relationship. he is barely ever in NYC. Like 20 days out of 60 between dec and jan.]

[transformer]

I told him that I knew I should let him go, because he needed to eat, but that I was hoping to talk to him soon about my future with school and everything. He said that next week would be good since he'd be in Maine but would have a lot of free time. Then there was sort of an awkward pause and he asked if there was something else I wanted to tell him. I sort of laughed (nervously) and said I thought it was funny he could tell I had something left to say. I asked him if he would have time to meet me for a hot chocolate or something when he was in NYC in early January. He said yes, but he couldn't do that much outside of rehearsals with his string quartet.

he thanked me for helping with his brother, I told him he was always welcome, and made a joke that I'd be happy to help with Operation Rescue C... he could pilot the helicopter, I'd wear the parachute, etc... Before we got off the phone he said, "call me."

I guess the conversation was a success?? There was laughter and humor. I was surprised that he joked about sexual topics in a conversation with me... and I was surprised that he gave me his schedule. I was also surprised that he went sort of deep into his past conflictedness about his path in life. Overall the conversation felt kind of heavy, and he felt a little "harder" than I remember in some past conversations, I don't know why.

I feel so sad. I felt pretty good after I got off the phone, and then just spent the rest of the evening ruminating. I guess I should feel good that we've already talked twice on the phone in the past 8 days, and that he said I could call him next week. I was hoping I'd see him more than once in dec/jan... now maybe I will see him for a couple hours in january. And then not until... june? if I'm lucky, and he's in town when I am? WTF am I doing? I feel so discouraged. I also feel like he is holding me at arm's length... this is the second conversation where I told him I needed his advice at the end and he said, "call me next week." and then him being so busy with his quartet in january.... I really miss him. I miss his friendship and his love and having him in my life. I don't know what I'm doing, I feel so sad!

I am sorry this is sooooo long... thank you to anyone who actaully read this.

(((EVERYONE)))
love,
T

P.S. the good news is that I finished my last (massive semester-long) homework assignment... only one more final on thursday, and then I think I can graduate!

[Essie]

(((T)))

I just read it all. Dont have nearly enough time, but I'm so jealous of your deep and meaningful conversations.

Sorry that you feel sad - its normal and it shows that you really love him! Be patient sweetie - good things are coming I promise!

Just wondering if you could follow it up with a text message to say "Hi. It was so nice talking to you. I really miss our conversations. You know what I also miss? ________" insert something into blank bit that would give him a hint that you were thinking of him sexually. Not too over the top, and preferably something flirty and fun, not something intense. Subtle but something that he would instantly connect with.

You might need to leave our the line "I really miss our conversations" if you think he would interpret that as too much pressure / neediness. It has to be done in the tone of remembering good times, but accpeting that you are happily separated now. (I know its tricky!)

Maybe you could follow up with "I'm so glad you are living your dream, and experiencing so many cool things. You're an inspiration"

[Kalni]

Yep I read it all... All I can say is I admire your patience for and dedication to Ben. Conversation sounded good just like between friends that know each other well but are in different places.

The weird thing about your story is that you are trying to DB a person from far away. It's interesting how your commnucation is getting more regular and warmer and more comfortable. How do you see the next coming months? What are your goals?
K

[AliSuddenly]

Hey T.. I read it all too and it bought tears to my eyes to be honest.

You are so lucky. Do you know how lucky you are? C'mon girl, your glass is half full. Do you know how many men I have loved in my life (hey I'm nearly 38 ! ) and lost.. how many STOPPED talking to me, since I was like, 15... or ones that I decided to never return their call ever again...

And yet you talked to him for like, an hour??? And like Essie said, not just a hi, how are you doing, but really deep stuff. You are amazingly lukcy that after you two had a 5 year R and broke up... you are now chatting on the phone and like you said, nearly twice in one week!

I think the most significant thing was.. "Before we got off the phone he said, "call me."

You seem discouraged, but I am seeing a guy who is VERY committed to his music, to developing his career, who takes it all very seriously, whose working hard to establish himself and yet is making time for you nowadays, like when he said...
"He said that next week would be good since he'd be in Maine but would have a lot of free time."

Also... this bit was a bit groundbreaking I thought..

"Then there was sort of an awkward pause and he asked if there was something else I wanted to tell him. I sort of laughed (nervously) and said I thought it was funny he could tell I had something left to say. I asked him if he would have time to meet me for a hot chocolate or something when he was in NYC in early January. He said yes, but he couldn't do that much outside of rehearsals with his string quartet."

So again.. IS he keeping you at arms length, or is he just really focused rigt now on his music/career? I cant tell. BUT, at least he said for you to call him NEXT week (so thats pretty regular contact with someone you broke up with a yaer ago, I have best mates I dont speak to like every week).. and he said he DID want to meet you in January.

Dont be discouraged!!! Be grateful! Be glad! Dance around the room !!!

Al xxx

[transformer]

Dear ones,

thank you so much for reading, and for all of your good ideas!!!

I have a couple ideas about what to do next.

* I need to email B the list of schools I brainstormed for his brother, maybe with something fun, sexy or sassy attached?

* I could text him the night of his break-of-dawn flight to Maine and say something like, "I hope you have safe journey and get lots of sleep on the plane!!" Sort of like he texted me before my recital.

* I realized that I didn't tell him I'd be in Boston at all. Boston and Portland, where he'll be doing the orchestra concerts, are only 2 hours away. It sounds like he really doesn't have anything he needs to do the first two days I'll be in Boston. I'm not sure how to work this one... I think if I went up there it would be REALLY obvious I was just going to see him, and maybe perceived by him as pressure. Or, if he really wanted to see me, he could come up with some excuse to come down to Boston. This would probably take, as of post-bomb, unprecedented enthusiasm and vigor on his part, unless I was inviting him to do something SO EXCITING he WANTED to travel on a bus for four hours roundtrip to do it. and I might just be setting myself up for disappointment. when we were together he wouldn't have thought twice about jumping on a bus to see me, but obviously we are in a different place now. thoughts???

[transformer]

(((A)))) thank you so much for seeing what I couldn't/can't see. It's hard for me to tell if he is being honest about how busy he is or just trying to prevent me from charging in and swooping up all his free time. You are right about him being really focused on his career. I guess it still sort of hurts, because I feel like consciously or unconsciously he really chose his quartet over me. Also when I look at his life, it is just so busy and fragmented-- December in NY, Maine, and Florida, January in NY, Maine and Iowa-- I don't know how he could ever be with someone (ie me) in a mature relationship where we'd be making life decisions together, and still following his dream. I feel discouraged just thinking about it. It's hard for me to see there being room for me in his life. When we were both in Boston, he went up to Maine a lot for his symphony job, but that was not a problem...

((((K)))) I'm confused about DBing someone from far away too. I need to think more about what my goals are. I guess I'm working on what Lisa suggested, more frequent and meaningful contact. I would REALLY like him to initiate contact more-- right now he is really receptive to me contacting him, but has only initiated 4 times since we started talking again. I would also be thrilled if he gave me some kind of encouraging, flirtatious sign. This coming year I guess I see as sort of a repeat of last year ?? ?? Maybe I will see him in January, and then again in May/June/...? I just can't tell if there is movement or we are just in a holding pattern. What do you think?

((((((E)))))))))) You have such good suggestions! Can you help me think of something subtle? When B and I were together we had a lot of sexual banter and humor, but it was all pretty explicit like, "I can't wait to lick your frenulum" or "I am so excited to hump your beautiful body." Something more subtle like... B, I miss your manly angelwing shoulderblades? how your eyes get bluer when you're happy? I miss seeing your smile in person? I miss your lip freckle? I feel like I still need to tone it down more. Can I get an assist? I guess I am more comfortable with flirtatious tone as opposed to flirtatious content, because I'm not risking getting hurt as much, and the flirtatious tone can perhaps be excused as just my general enthusiasm for life...

(((EVERYONE)))
thank you
from
the
bottom
of
my
H
E
A
R
T
!

[AliSuddenly]

Hey T...
IMHO there is NO WAY yuo can talk to this guy like .. "B, I miss your manly angelwing shoulderblades? how your eyes get bluer when you're happy? I miss seeing your smile in person? I miss your lip freckle?" ..you havent had THE conversation yet, or any conversation.

You are not in that space..as Jody DB coach would say, think ahout what stage you are in.. are you still in stage 1 - reducing negativity and guilt? (I think you are), or are you in stage 2 - friendship? (I'd say not yet), or stage 3 - romancing !? It just feels to me that it would be too wierd and innappropiate to *suddenly* tell him you miss his sexy eyes/batwing shoulders (WTF!? Lol). Maybe if you meet him and you are getting on well, you could slip him a compliment and fondle his knee..? But I dont think you can by email. Also anything with "I miss..." is pretty loaded, but maybe I miss chatting with you is fair enough. Not sure over email though, kind of risky??

Plus, you dont really know if he is seeing anyone or not? (maybe not?)

Defo email him the info for his brother, its the perfect excuse, but keep it light and funny? Also, defo text him before his flight.. but can you keep this light too? Instead of "have a good flight", can you think of something witty to say that relates to his anecdotes about that nightmarish flight as he has laughed with you twice about that? Something like..have a good flight, I hope your eyeballs have been in training and dont let you down this time?? Or something suitably witty about his eyeballs *insert eyeball joke*!?

And then send him this funny picture called blind eyeballs hahahha

And seeing as you are the DB queen and are currently reeling your B in like a prize trout.. can you suggest how I can reconnect to my ex!??? (I was in stage 1 nicely, even stage 2 for a while there, and blew it. Go back to the beginning, do not pass Go or collect £200). He is back feeling guilt ridden, like he just upsets me now whenever he sees me/speaks to me)
Al x

[transformer]

Hey ali,

I think I was unclear... all of those things I wrote were examples of how I can't think of anything subtle to say, examples of things WAY TOO EXTREME for me to say at this point.

I will think about your situation... I honestly feel bewildered by my own, I definitely don't feel like I'm reeling anyone in...

thank you for the suggestions about the texting and everything!!!

((A))
T