Hey, Hope, Yeah I was going to start this post off with I am so tired. Tired of not crying,tired of crying, tired of being upset, tired of feeling like nothing matters. It is killing me, I feel just the same way as you when I look at the Christmas tree with lights only.
The only reason it has lights is that last year after Christmas, I tried to poke my eye out....literally we were cleaning up after the ice storm and the Saturday before New Years, I had a limb flip back and hit me in the eye. I just kept thinking it would stop hurting and get better, I finally went to urgent care on Sunday night, it was a bit better, not really, but couldn't get to an eye Dr. until Wed after new years day. I still don't have perfect vision in that eye as I did before. I wasn't very smart. Anyway sorry for the sidebar, when I was taking down the decorations last year I felt like crap and didn't care. I took the ornaments off the tree, but didn't do anything else, just carried the tree together to the basement, I am paying for it now. I would have never guessed I would have felt worse this year....but I do!
So like you Hope, I can't make myself do anything really.
So tonight was the Santa Train in town, it is all lit up and pretty with lights. Last year H and I went and saw it, we have never went in it, just looked at the outside. I got home tonight and they talked about it on the news, so I thought I will drive in and see the lights. I didn't stop just drove by. I am heading out and my cell rings it is H. He says what are you doing? I said seeing the Santa Train, H said I was going to come out and watch the football game, but that is OK, I said I am already on my way home, that is fine. Then H says, Did you go in? I said NO, I am not going to go in, without any kids. H said why not. I just laughed, I said I just wanted to see the lights. H said you should go in you would really like it, there are villages and he goes into detail. I said, Have you seen the inside? H says Yes. Well there again, why do I set it up so well, so my breath can get taken away every FREAKING time. H says, I will go in with you if you want. I thought oh my gosh. Yeah, that would be great, when people in there say, weren't you just here with another woman and two kids. GEEZE What a Fu** Head. I just say, I will see you when you get there, and hang up. I cried all the way home. H shows up with a 12 pack of beer, I must admit, I almost bought one on my way home too. I don't really have a lot to say. We filled out next weeks football picks. H sits at one end of the couch, the dog the cat, and me at the other end. I didn't really talk at all. I could see him keep looking at me out of the corner of my eye. I wanted to cry right then. H got up went pea and then left after being here for an hour. He didn't come over too me, just got up and said I will talk to you later. I said, What? H are you leaving. I said Why? H said I just want too. I said Bye. He left the football picks for next week, everything.
I don't understand why the Hell H is with me, if he has his great little family. I emailed the bank today to see if they loan on single wide trailers, and they said no. So I told H that. I wanted to say why are you even looking, don't think you are really in too much of a hurry. I also said I guess your clothes are getting washed, since you haven't brought any home lately. H said yes they are. I can bring them back if you want, I said nope.
I can't decide am I an idiot or a fool? Or Both.
I hope TB pulls it out, so I can win the football pool!
Something nice needs to happen tonight.
Hope, I am with you in the pitty party boat today, I know I should be grateful for everything I have been blessed with, but I just miss everything I was grateful for 6 months ago.
MT the last 24 hrs or so have been rough as things hit the skids between me and my darling immediately after a nice Sunday breakfast out. She attributes my presence to her tension and stress, only after the meal is done and paid for. And oh yeah it wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that when we headed to our respective cars after eating that she had locked herself out with her keys on the seat cuz she was too jabber jaw happy and focussed on her blackberry rather than actual important stuff like remembering keys and such. Personal responsibility and accountability .. I think not! It had to have been me that got her to the extremely frustrated point ...right?? Catch my drift. So then she turned on the "cold faucet" (via telephone of course) and declared that there was just no sense go forwrd together cuz of the intolerable tension. Clear as mud ..right??
