Hey, FamMan! Thank you so much for coming here to offer more support and guidance. I really, really appreciate it, and I'm touched that you've been thinking about my sitch. Thank you.
I honestly believe this is a QLC - at least in part. Looking at his history, there are key points that jump out at me:
---He grew up dreaming about being a Marine because his dad was a Marine. He was sure it would be his career. However, once he got in, he realized it wasn't really what he wanted. That's been a battle for him.
---He entered into law enforcement because it seemed like the logical next step. It's what his dad had done, and he had the qualifications to do it. It was definitely the easy and encourage choice. He's worked as a street cop, a deputy, a federal corrections officer, and now as a narcotics detective. He's never been happy. He constantly is trying to jump to yet another law enforcement job where the grass is greener. He's applied for several federal jobs this past year, and has even turned a few down at the last minute. I know it's been eating at him.
---In truth, I did pressure him into getting married. Not that there wasn't love there, but we did rush into it. We both needed a next step after leaving college (me) and the marines (him).
---Little things jump out at me from the past few months. He got pissed at his dad and didn't talk to him for about a week after the election because his dad was giving him a hard time about his voting choices. He's mentioned many times that he feels he's losing his faith. He had a brief stint where he looked into enrolling in college to study ecology, but backed out at the last minute. He says that he didn't think it was for him nor was it the right time in his life (time-wise, financially). I know for a fact that his dad discouraged him.
---I asked him this weekend if the whole "baby talk" we had before the bomb dropped was a last ditch effort to test my reaction. He said it was a last resort to try and save things, to give him a reason to stay.
---He's been saying that he feels much older than he is. Before all of this happened, his supervisor had recommended him for undercover work in a local high school - as a student. We'd laughed about ti together - him and his crow's feet. But in truth, perhaps he does feel like time is ticking away. I know he's said a million times that he feels like he doesn't want to look back on his life and feel like he made a mistake.
---In our orginal discussions, I actually told him that I felt like he was lost. I actually told him to take this time because "he's never truly done anything that wasn't somehow based in someone else's expectations." Yeah, good job on my part.
---Then, look at the OW. She's young, immature, and not established career-wise. She's someone he could plausibly provide for but that likely also makes him feel younger - and looks up to him as a big man. Truth is, he cannot provide for me more than I can provide for myself. He knows it, and I'm sure it bothers him. I think it always has. I will always make more money. I will always be independent. Providing isn't always a monetary thing, but there's that piece.
I truly do believe that he's searching. He's running. He's always been very fickle and very rash in his choices. He literally has to make big mistakes; he's not the type to be able to sort out consequences mentally. And yeah, he's rejected his base - family, friends, God, me. He's even trying to avoid our dog.
I'm very annoyed by it all. I really need to go pray and get my feeling of peace back. I had a QLC myself about a year ago, but I worked it out in my head, dammit.
Ah well. I will pray for him to find his way. I trust in God that he will come back in time. I do not know if it will be days, weeks, months, or years, but I trust in God.
Now to just keep my own head right. It's hard to believe that after months or years that I would allow myself to reconsider once the rope is fully dropped. I'm just going to have to keep telling myself to trust God and try to think about things other than my R.
God bless you too, FamMan. I will pray for you as well.
