Another Wife Hit By The Bomb #4

[AlexEN]

Sandi, Beth, Tanya,

Interestingly, during the brief time my wife was willing to look at this stuff, I asked her to read LL, which I found fascinating... Stuff I never even thought about. Sandi, you'll be surprised to hear that my primary LL was physical touch and secondary was words of affirmation. My wife's first was quality time and (distant second) was physical touch which was pretty close with gifts. So, when we communicated with each other with what we each wanted, it wasn't satisfying the other, yet we weren't "mature" enough or didn't know how to convey that what we were giving each other was what we wanted/needed not what the other wanted/needed. This book, along with the Gottman stuff, should almost be required reading for all couples getting married! If I'd known then what i know now, none of this ever would have happened. Now when kids are getting married, I try to get them something from the registry and anonymously give them these two books with a note that they should read them each and understand what they say. Another great read for me (and which I might add to the the list) is the one about if The Buddha Loved... but, it's much more existential.

-AlexEN

[Tawnya]

{{Sandi}} You are pretty much right on in your perception of me, my husband comes across as a "jerk" even when we were married "correctly" LOL..and I would almost always feel like I should apologize for him or correct him, which I'm sure is something he hated..

That said, I have caught myself more today saying I'm sorry and I make myself NUTS..LOL..when I talked to my hub on the phone tonight I said I'm sorry about blah blah and then repeated myself and said "I apologize about blah blah"..LOL..so I'm catching it..but goodness..it's like when you are looking at cars and find one you like and then you see them everywhere

Well...since my hub BARELY speaks to me, see my post from last night to talk about that..I can't say a time that he is more talkative than not..probably first thing in the morning..

Anyway..had a CRAPPY and good night tonight..but wow did I make my husband MAD..ANGRY..RIDICULOUSLY MAD..and I'm so glad I called him to tell him what I'd done over the phone..and I told him on the phone..'get it all out now cause I don't want to be yelled at anymore.." Honestly..he yelled and cussed and freaked out at me for at least 20-30 minutes..ok..so now you must be wondering what I did LOL

OK..and it was a little irrational and rational at the same time...our daughter will be 18 next month and a good friend of ours runs a car dealership..anyway..we went, my daughter and I, and got her a "new" car..it's not new but newer than the old, beat up 1991 explorer she has now. Now, I can totally see where I may get a 2 x 4..and I hear ya..but she is going to pay half, so really it's going to just cost me about $150 a month..not that horrible and it's a good car, low miles, and has a good warranty on it..so HONESTLY the reason I didn't talk to hub about it was because she and I were going to make the payments and he wouldn't have to worry about it..

So..cut to his side, which I can see..he went BALLISTIC..told me I was spinning it like he didn't care about the kids, that I was trying to cut him out..etc etc..you get the deal..I didn't think, how much would it cost..I am strapping myself..etc etc..

We went thru a long convo about how I wouldn't be cutting him out like that..never went thru my mind, I would work another job before I let it become an issue, you know..I Told him I would even trade in my NEW car if it came down to it..that would certainly cover most of the cost of this car for sure..

Anyway..that was my night and I'm exhausted from being yelled at on the phone for over 30 minutes..

Tawnya

[Amy M]

Ah, Tawnya!!! Hugs to you!!!

When I read your sitch, my first thought was..."H, welcome to divorce!" Cause, in the future when you and D make a purchase, you won't call him to discuss it. That's just the way it will be.

So, certainly don't beat yourself up over it. In some ways, he's chosen to be "cut" out of the family!! Maybe you were a little premature...since he hasn't left yet...but, maybe that's better that he get a taste of it before he goes!!!

And, I'm okay now!!!

Love you!
Amy

[marriedCrazy]

Tawnya, I understand a little of where he's coming from; but how much involvement does he have day to day with the running of the household? How much is he spending outside of the M?

Better to spend that money on the D18 than on a D? right?

You did fine!!

[VeronicaV]

Tawnya,

No advice for you on this issue just support. I am sorry your H cannot talk to you appropriately about his feelings. It annoys me no end when people yell thinking they will make themselves understood.

It is the same idiotic behavior as yelling English at a non-English speaker, if he does not know the language, the volume will not change that.

Sorry you had a bad night.

How are you today?

Beth

[Tawnya]

{{{Amy}}} Thank you for the hugs and glad you are doing better my friend You know..I thought about the sitch more last night while I was in bed and thought that I DO think his real problem is the "hello..reality..welcome to divorce" aspect of it..at first it was the $$ but mostly he talked about feeling cut out..so..in a way, not on purpose, I suppose that is what I did

{{{Tom}}} THANK you for the encouragement. That was really one of my "bones" I picked with him last night over the phone is his "extra money" he is setting aside for "him"..that I would much rather have made this decision together and that his "extra money" would have made a GREAT downpayment or whatever on a car for our daughter..but since he was chosing to do what he wanted with "his money" ..I was chosing something to do with "this money"..

When you asked how much involvement he has in the day to day stuff..I am assuming you don't mean money..just more does he do stuff..NO..that's also something we talked about..that, not only is he working all of this overtime for money WE (me and our kids) won't see that we also don't see HIM because of it..and I said, so the kids lose out twice really..before the sitch he did more around the house, taking out the trash, cleaning up after the dog, feeding the dog, cleaning out the litter boxes for the cats, etc..but, since this sitch and that's he's gone so much, I do all of that now..he leaves at 7 a.m. and usually doesn't get home until at least 9 p.m. or later..so doesn't leave much for him to do in the day to day..

{{{Beth}}} Thank you for your hugs and support..I really appreciate it Unfortunately, my hub has always been a "yeller" when he's angry..he has a lot of "baggage" from his childhood and his dad was alcoholic and would "beat or yell" when he was mad..so it's something I'm USE to..the yelling..it's funny tho that, even a bit before our sitch, but now especially because of it..I am more "stand up to it" about it, like on the phone I told him to get it all out because I was NOT going to be yelled at anymore and/or at home..

Ugh..couldn't sleep for a while last night and then woke up around 5 a.m. and had trouble sleeping..funny enough, when you HAVE to get up (like now) is when I could still totally be sleeping LOL!! Oh well..

Off to work for a bit..

Tawnya

[Tawnya]

Well..after checking, it IS better a bit financially for hub to be on the car payment and, since he said he would do it, my mom actually said I SHOULD make him be on it to at least "feel responsible" For the kids..tho I wasn't asking for him to pay anything and she's right..

So..I texted hub and said, basically "I found out I CAN do this without your name on it, but it's a little cheaper with you on it so, since you said you wouldn't mind, if you could go sign the stuff that would be great"..he then CALLED me (which I Didn't want LOL)..first I let it go, hopeful that he'd leave a message..he didn't so I called him back, just to get it over with.

Seems either I put the wrong thing or he read it wrong, something about insurance not the car pyment..so anyway, I just basically said this to him on the phone "if you could sign for it, that would be great. If you want to help pay for it great, if you don't, that's fine too, just your name on it keeps the rate and payment a bit lower" and then we talked about the car insurance whether to drop or keep an older car we have on it..so it actually turned out to be a decent discussion..whaddya know..those can happen

Tawnya

[VeronicaV]

Tawnya,

I am glad that things seemed to have calmed down a bit for you. I must admit I do have some things easier with such little contact from H.

I hope you are doing well today!

Beth

[Tawnya]

{{{Beth}}} Aww thank you my friend I hope you are having a great day as well!

For those who drill sargent to make sure I am GAL'ing (ahem Amy LOL)..I have plans to go out to Starbucks with a friend of mine and then of course, tomorrow night, my taiji class

Tawnya

[Tomato]

hi T from T