Hi hope3343. I think I am just a little ahead of you on the DB curve. My bomb happened in March so I am not the best person to give you advice but here it is for what it's worth.
First of all, you both need to CALM DOWN. Feelings are running high (not your fault) and things are being said that will hurt with any future reconciliation (I've done the same and is regretting it).
You need to play it cool and do a complete 180. No more threats of moving back east (unless you are actually going to follow thru next week). No more CONFRONTATIONS!!!
Believe it or not, these confrontations are hurting your marriage MORE THAN his affair. Yes, you heard me. They are!
So if you think you are feeling very angry at him, then by all means, go dark, GAL and starting making yourself happy. If you think you can handle having interactions that are light, happy and relaxed, then see him and flirt with him. But I don't think you are there yet. Emotions are running high and it seems like you both need a break from each other.
It's not over till it's over. You can always pick up DB principles now and turn the M around.
So no angry outbursts, no confrontations. Give yourself time before reacting to his actions ( one week works well for me because I also have a hot temper). After that time, you can probably think more clearly.
His A is making him look stupid in front of the people at your office. He doesn't realize this or doesn't care because of fantasyland. But one day reality will intrude into his life then OW won't seem so wonderful anymore. But you must have patience if you want to wait for that day.
I am so sorry he is drinking again. That is a much bigger issue along with the credit card debts. My H also overspent at the beginning but now that he is coming back down to earth he is being REAL careful with expenses because he has to face up to consequences. Another example of people in a fog who do things without thinking. You just have to mark it up to the expense of teaching him a lesson.
He will come out of his fantasyland one day, he won't be spending the rest of his life there. If you want him back, you will need to be the better alternative. But until that day, there is not much you can do to change him. That's why it's important to work on yourself and your attitude towards him.
Do you think you can see him in a compassionate way? Or are you so angry that you are bearing grudges and sending resentful vibes. If you are holding resentment then any future reconciliation is sabotaged, OK? So work on yourself and your attitude towards this whole thing.
I hope that helps. Good luck hope 3343, I will put you in my watched list.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
