I have been lurking in this forum mostly on Trying2live post, but want to start my own stich because I think I am failing miserably at this DB thing. here is some of my earlier background.
My H and our D15 moved to SW 2 years ago. I was in hometown I grew up in till then. After 21 years my H comes home drunk one night in July and says I want a D and I am not happy. We definitely had problems in the M (drifting and taking each other for granted) but it was my wake up call to work on the M and started going to MC.
Missed all the signs of MLC and discovered (surprise surprise) my H was already in hot and heavy A with co-worker, not just a coworker but a direct employee. Want to add the worst part is that I work there also and I go to some of the same meetings with H and once in awhile see the OW.
I tried guilt and pleading and it did not work and all it did was set up more barriers. My H moved out on Oct 1. My D15 did not talk to him for 5 weeks and only recently have started seeing each other again after Thanksgiving.
Originally my H was in fantasy fogland in his head thinking no one would know about his A, his D15 and D28 would be fine with him moving out, we would be one happy Divorced family with an amicable D. H is starting to realize now that he has been wrong in every aspect.
I have exposed the A to my Ds and my SIL and a good friend of ours. My H is really caught up in the A and does not seem to care if he loses his job (company policy), everything financial, and his family. My H looks like hell since he has been drinking heavily (after being sober for years), He has racked up credit card debt since June (in his name only) but we are in a community property state.
This MLC was offset about a promotion that he did not receive and turning 49 during the summer. Our MC (now IC) said he is in throes of a full life mid-life crisis.
I want to hang on and I need strength. It is difficult for me because I am a fixer and controller and now I feel helpless.
I have been GAL since this happened and joined the gym and walk every night on the beach and have lost 34 lbs. H has mentioned that I am looking good but in detached way.
I will be going back East at Christmas and have to deal with my family who have just heard we have broken up. Also, people at work are starting to find out about the A (they were seen at a local nightclub drunk) and I received an anoyomnus e-mail last week telling me about it and today I found a note on my monitor saying "your husband is screwing that pig _____. He is a dumb a$$." All DBing went out the window when i went to see him with the note. I am getting stressed out about H losing his job and all the shame and embarrassment that goes with it. I really let H have it today and probably called him every name known to man. Part of our discussion today -- H has said he never wanted to go back to our M and I told him that our M was terrible. I wanted to work on it and have it the way it should be but that was no excuse for sleeping with your employee. I also told H that I was going to go back east with D15 and he could stay here with OW and rot. Said I was beginning to hate him and if he wanted me that is where I would be.
I need to get back on track. It might be too late. I think as of tomorrow my wedding band comes off (questions will begin at work) and maybe should just go dark since I totally blew it today.
Any help or suggestions. Has anyone here been in a worse situation and was able to turn their M around?
I would like to stay active Dbing but the situation seems so far gone and everyday when I am in work I am wondering if they will get fired so I might have to be dark. HELP!
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
recent update. My H called about a ride for our D15. I tried to backpedal some of the damage I did today.
I said I am not going to apologize to you because this has been rough on our whole family.
I told H yes I want to save my M. I do not want a D. But I also need to start not being a victim and do what is right for me and D15 and if that meant going back East and moving back with my mother and starting a new life that is what I will have to do. Then I said I need to hang up.
tomorrow should I start the tough love approach and go dark?
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hi hope3343. I think I am just a little ahead of you on the DB curve. My bomb happened in March so I am not the best person to give you advice but here it is for what it's worth.
First of all, you both need to CALM DOWN. Feelings are running high (not your fault) and things are being said that will hurt with any future reconciliation (I've done the same and is regretting it).
You need to play it cool and do a complete 180. No more threats of moving back east (unless you are actually going to follow thru next week). No more CONFRONTATIONS!!!
Believe it or not, these confrontations are hurting your marriage MORE THAN his affair. Yes, you heard me. They are!
So if you think you are feeling very angry at him, then by all means, go dark, GAL and starting making yourself happy. If you think you can handle having interactions that are light, happy and relaxed, then see him and flirt with him. But I don't think you are there yet. Emotions are running high and it seems like you both need a break from each other.
It's not over till it's over. You can always pick up DB principles now and turn the M around.
So no angry outbursts, no confrontations. Give yourself time before reacting to his actions ( one week works well for me because I also have a hot temper). After that time, you can probably think more clearly.
His A is making him look stupid in front of the people at your office. He doesn't realize this or doesn't care because of fantasyland. But one day reality will intrude into his life then OW won't seem so wonderful anymore. But you must have patience if you want to wait for that day.
I am so sorry he is drinking again. That is a much bigger issue along with the credit card debts. My H also overspent at the beginning but now that he is coming back down to earth he is being REAL careful with expenses because he has to face up to consequences. Another example of people in a fog who do things without thinking. You just have to mark it up to the expense of teaching him a lesson.
He will come out of his fantasyland one day, he won't be spending the rest of his life there. If you want him back, you will need to be the better alternative. But until that day, there is not much you can do to change him. That's why it's important to work on yourself and your attitude towards him.
Do you think you can see him in a compassionate way? Or are you so angry that you are bearing grudges and sending resentful vibes. If you are holding resentment then any future reconciliation is sabotaged, OK? So work on yourself and your attitude towards this whole thing.
I hope that helps. Good luck hope 3343, I will put you in my watched list.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Hi PM, I read your stich over here in Infidelity. You do sound much stronger as your posts progressed. Like you I have a hot temper and I just start to lose it. What makes it so difficult is working in the same building as H and OW working in another building but I still see her. I wish she was gone it would be sooo much easier to detach and DB. I do think I have definite resentments and I need to try and step back because I know I am sabotaging my R with H.
I need to stop worrying what H is doing and how it impacts me. Keep going down those same cheeseless tunnels.
My H has mentioned D at the beginning of all this and I think he is waiting till after the holidays because he thinks he is being a nice guy.
I am going to see an atty just for initial consultation. I need to protect myself because he is so up in the fog with this OW and I know right now she has a strong influence on him.
I need to hold myself steady and not get swept away with my emotions. That is one of my biggest issues. I have to keep telling myself no expectations and get that big 2x4 and smack myself in the head. thanks for checking in.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I am going to see an atty just for initial consultation. I need to protect myself because he is so up in the fog with this OW and I know right now she has a strong influence on him.
Good morning, a little tired today. Woke up before 5 and heard my heart beating loud, did my yoga breathing and was able to fall back to sleep also with a prayer.
Back to work today. Seems quiet. No indication if anyone saw the note on my monitor. time will tell
H was supposed to pick up D15 from soccer practice today and now she tells me there is a meeting at 6:30 for kids/parents. I sent an e-mail to H saying that can he go at 6:30 instead and attend the meeting. Waiting to hear back.
I do not want to cancel my meeting with the atty. I am worried being in this state. There is no legal seperation, no waiting period and community property. BUT it is a fault state -- and if that is the case I need to know what I have to do to charge H with adultery if need. I will not file first. I am just trying to be prepared in case. I do not want to be blindsided as I was when I found out H was having his A. I pray that the D word does not come up in January.
Hope everyone has peace and clarity today.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I am trying to put a list of questions for the Atty. Not sure exactly what I should be asking? Any suggestions from anyone who has done this already. i am really nervous
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Getting an attorney is the right thing to do.You need to make sure you are tking care of an what your rights are,withou husband knowing anything. I live in Texas saw an attorney and its an fault state. i know my lawyer loved that I had an copy of my wife's new lease she gotten when she moved out. E-mails she wrote me admitting to the Affair. Lawyer told me he could get her cell phone records through the court to prove who she talking to. In my case is was more over custody not the property,my thought is I can always start over. My suggestion would be e-mail your husband asking question that could be used later on against him. Like why are you having an affair after all those years aso you get the picture where he would answer back hopefully with something admitting to he affair. Wittnesses that you can get if you need to prove the affair helps to,but wait on that till you file no need to stir up now. Right now write down all the dates and things he does definetly helps in court trust me on that. I am writing nother message this is goes all over the place sorry for it
Garry, thanks. I am not originally from Tx and it is much different here. If H wants a D I already told him I was charging him with Adultery. I have all of his business phone records showing the increase of phone calls to OW when it started and calling her at night and weekends on her cell phone. H got a secret cell phone in August so I do not have access to it. I do have an e-mail that someone sent to me anomy. saying my H was having an A and giving me dates and description of a drunken night at a nightclub. I do not want this but I have to make sure I do not lose everything because of his actions.
I appreciate all the advice from you.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I can tell you what happen to me about the Living in Fantasy land and all that Fog it wasnt till i told everyone about the affair Family at least. My wife was a person I didnt recognize at all. I mean this. At first I was embarrassed what was happenening to me then I was like well its life it happens I dont care what people think and anyone this has happened to will understand you and the emotions you go through. I used to be one of them when I seen someon cry over their significant other. You should continue with your life and go Dark on him he will realize what he is doing dont know when but he will and if you can hang on and take care of you he will notice and hopefully realize what he misses at home. Think about the thinks that made him happy at the beginning of the marriage and try those thins,maybe its certain clothes he liked on you or whatever,but change things about you that make you feel good and he will notice any small change on you. My wife did all I did one day bought some new shoes that she used to talk about long time ago would like me to wear but I told her not really me. Well i got some and she was like i se you must feel good you finally get some nice shoes i see you moving on . i smiled and just said no i am just going to the moivies. She knows I dont go bymyslef,well I did but she text me all night that day. Just because she thought I wasnt alone. I hope this helps I am not the best at this but try to put my thoughts into this,since I sometimes make mistakes and blow up too and its not easy,we can give each other advice all day its we have to follow our own advice
