Please send me good karma!!....I'm gonna need it!

[Silent Chrleader]

I don't know what to do! Tonight, H got mad at S17, and basically blew a gasket and told him he had to leave (although he can't enforce it because he doesn't live in the house). S17 has been pushing some limits and giving attitude (not difficult to understand why give the recent history), but H has now said that he is "done" with S17! H states point blank that he wants to think of nobody but himself period! I tried to be understanding, but then he started in with blaming me too, and saying how HE always had to do everything with S17.....and he has said he's not coming over to work on the house as planned this weekend because he doesn't want to be here, so it's like now all the agreements we had and were working on are null and void because he can't take his teenage son being a bonehead!!??? S17 is upset at the whole thing and feels like the minute he steps out of line, his dad is just waiting to "kick him to the curb" (his words).

Part of me thinks I should just give say enough alread and file for D. Give H what he supposedly wants and let the chips fall where they may (we'd have to sell dream house, etc....) Sometimes I feel like that is the only thing that may have an effect on H.

On the other hand, I'm hoping this is just a "meltdown" (and he's entitled to one after all the ones I've had), so I should just be understanding and let it slide and treat tomorrow as another day with PMA!

I did call to ask if he was still going to MC tomorrow, and he said "probably", so I asked, half jokingly, if I should prepare myself for major upheval, and he said I shouldn't ask him that. So, I don't know what to think!

I'm feeling a little stronger as each day passes, and I didn't cry or anything during this whole episode! I actually felt pretty detatched.

But I am wondering if I am just a schmuck.....any ideas?

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

{{{{{TJ}}}}}

AAHHH 17 year olds! They are so much fun! I am fortunate in one respect--D17 has NOT been allowed to get her driver's license, so some of the issues you have we have avoided thus far.

TJ, is your son in any type of counseling? I have not read all your threads, so bear with me. It seems like he is hurting, ALOT, over the actions of your H, and NEEDS someone outside of the family to talk to.

Your H is not responding well to your son. I know that S is pushing buttons, and possibly to get a rise out of your H. Time to DB your son. If everyone gets upset at him, he is getting the attention he craves, even if it is negative attention. Time to stop feeding into S.

I do not know that I would have made the call about MC. Definitely, you should not have made the comment about the upheaval. Don't feed into H, either, LOL! He doesn't need an excuse to act weird--he is obviously MLC and pod person indwelled.

You are not a schmuck--none of us are. We are just spouses that are committed to our vows and our families. PMA is a plus, but I am also thinking that positive thinking is ESSENTIAL. Speak what you want as if you have it. Believe it is reality. Accept the Blessings that God pours into your life with a grateful heart and expect more.

SMW

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, {{{{SMW}}}}

Thanks for your good advice. Yes, S17 has been in counseling for several months, as have H and I. S17 actually asked to go. He is actually unusual in that he is able to talk about things that many kids his age don't because he has been exposed to couselors and such from an early age due to D24.

S17 indeed is hurting and he has been through so much more in his young life than any kid should have to. He is very tenderhearted, even though he puts up a good front. He has stuggled with school work for applying himself for years (he has ADD and mild Tourets Syndrome, in addition to emotional issues from the molestation). H's answer to all this has always been "tough love" and it may have gotten some physical results, but it has also gotten detrimental long lasting emotional results as well. I think that S17 needs quality time with us, but H does a couple things and S17 responds well, but then falls short a little and H gives up and says "I'm done!". This has always been the case.

H says I am too soft, and he is probably right. I carry a lot of guilt for what happened to S17 because I didn't see it coming and these are my kids! And as a mother, I take everything my kids do onto me! If they are not OK, I feel I have failed! I am obviously working on these issues in IC too, but it is very hard. I have always tried to support H's position and provide a united front to the kids, but the tough love thing just doesn't seem to work in this case. But, I have no idea what will work!

[Silent Chrleader]

I feel so depressed. I don't know what to do. Went out to dinner with H Friday, and then Saturday he came over to house to do work while I ran errands and did grocery shopping. Watched a comedy show with S17 and D24 Saturday evening. Things are tense. We both try to ignore the elephant in the room. We are not always successful.

In MC last week, at my request, C read symptoms of depression and H doesn't meet them, other than irritability. C said that H's feelings are because of specific issues not generalized (i.e. clinical). C also said we are so different in how we see things that C wonders if we actually lived through the past 27 years together! Now H wants to go back into IC with C instead of MC for the next couple weeks at least and I'm scared!

I feel like everyone is telling me my whole life I have been fooling myself and I really just need to face facts and realize that H never loved me and I just have to let him go. My family says he's made his decision already and is only in C at all because of guilt.

I read these boards and think, I need to get back my strength and DB like mad! But I don't know what that means anymore! I try to be positive and upbeat. I GAL and do things I enjoy even if by myself. But, H knows that I love him and want to re-build our marriage, and thus is guarded and distant and tense whenever we are together. So, should I continue to try to "be the greener grass", or should I go a little dimmer and detatch more?

We are ostensibly spending time together to see if we can even feel compfortable with each other, but there is so much water under the dam that I know H feels it's useless and I am afraid he's right sometimes!

I love my husband so very very much! I feel like crying all the time! I keep hearing in my head that saying about "if you love something set it free....." I know this makes sense in my head, but I don't think I have the strength to let go like that.

I'm so tired of this pain. I have never felt so alone.

[yellowrose]

SC

It was really uncomfortable for me and my H too if that is any comfort. He had changed and so did I. We needed to reconnect. It happened but it took a long time before we felt comfortable around each other. I was always afraid to say something that he would take the wrong way and send him running again.

Let your H go back to IC if that is what he feels is best for now. I think it is better that he works on himself before working on the R. Sometimes when they go to MC they can't be honest with themselves and can be more open in IC. At least he is in C!

Take the pressure away from your H. Don't talk about the R or M for a while unless he brings it up.

Another thing, MLCers tend to hide their depression really well around everyone and even their C. My H did too and finally it became too much and everyone, I mean everyone saw what I saw. It will come out.

You are in my prayers!!!!

Y

[job]

S,
Dbing is not just about saving your marriage; it is about saving yourself. Work on you and what you want to accomplish w/your life. You and your h were two separate individuals prior to marriage and during this time, you become two separate individuals. Dig deep, think about how you were when you two met...are there changes you can make to improve upon yourself, interests, etc.? This is a time for your to explore the world and find out more about yourself. This is a time that will test you to the fullest and believe it or not, you are going to discover a whole new you in the process.

At this time, you need to leave him out there. Allow him to spread his wings and fly a bit from the gilded cage. He thinks the grass is greener on the other side. How will he know whether it is or not if you do not let him go and find out for himself. Yes, you love him, but for now, you must put your faith and trust in God and allow him to guide him. Let him go!

I don't believe for one minute that two of you were so out of sync for so many years. If that were the case, your marriage would have ended a long, long time ago. You, the rational one, know exactly what you had up until a while ago. Cherish those happy memories for they will get you through the rough patches.

Again, keep the focus on you and your children. It's time to drop the rope and allow him to fly from home for a while. He really does need to find himself and discover that life isn't always the way you planned it. Looks can be deceiving and the grass is not always greener on the other side. Happiness comes from within and he must learn this lesson as he flies to other parts of the world.

You, too, have a new world to discover and it's time for you to spread your wings for a while as well. It may not have been what you wanted or planned, but for now, you need to find that inner strength to carry you through the days ahead and know that no matter what transpires, you are going to survive and be okay.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, [[[[[Snodderly]]]]]]

Thanks for your reply. I had thought you'd long since given up on me! (and I didn't blame ya'). I know you are right in all you say.

Actually, back in the July/August/September time frame, I had felt pretty good and was doing a lot of growth and feeling good about me and H seemed to notice and we were "dating" and spending time together and even being intimate. But then H had his high school reunion which was not the "rite of passage" he thought it would be, and then his sister died and H just withdrew again. And then it all came out that he had had PA with OW and he said he never planned to "try again" as he had said and that our time together was all guilt.......and all that growth I had made crumble!

The affair left me with a doubt in myself that I have never had before and I struggle every day to just keep moving forward. I think I need to increase my AD dosage back up (and I was so proud in August to have reduced it!) My doctor has said I can increase it any time and just let him know because I am on a minimal dosage now. But, I didn't want to if I could avoid it as I am trying to be "healthy" and not fill my body with chemicals......

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, {{{{YR}}}}, as always for your support and encouragement. It is invaluable to me. More than you will ever know.......

[job]

S,
I never give up on anyone. What I usually do is step back, wait and when the student is ready to listen to what I have to say, I will then return to provide more input.

What your h told you after his sister passed away is how he perceives things for now. I seriously doubt that he came back just because of "guilt". Listen, do not pass judgment and come to understand that there are going to be times that his "speak" will be of of misconceptions and you will need to sift through his "speak" to get the answers.

Now is the time to take care of YOU! Try not to allow what he says to get you down. Just remember...you had many wonderful years together and they were not from your imagination. Focus on today and allow tomorrow to take care of itself.

[Silent Chrleader]

As always, thank you for you support and encouragement. It is appreciated more than you know.

((((((((((Snodderly))))))))))