H texted me at 3pm to ask whether we were still meeting tonight and suggested a venue. Before it would have driven me up the wall not to hear from him earlier. I replied sounds good, see you there at 5.30. A 180 here for me not to try and arrange meeting by the tube station etc etc. He replied saying that he had to go to the theatre that night (that happens every time we meet??!) but we should still have time to talk. I didn't bother replying, there was nothing for me to say to that. 180 again!
I was a respectable 8 mins late and when I got out the tube there was a text from h asking if we were meeting in the venue. Normally I would have called him, and I nearly did to ask where he was and what we were doing, but instead I just walked into the pub. I spied where h was before I went in but walked in confidently and looked around as if I didn't know where he was. I saw h trying to get my attention so eventually turned round and acted with surprise at seeing him there. H stood up as I went over (unlike him and very gentlemanly) and asked if I'd like a drink (I think he forgot himself there ;-) and said he hoped I wouldn't mind that he got a table. I smiled and sat down and made a comment about the cold etc. He said he hadn't been well lately and had been run down with a cold for weeks. I said I was sorry to hear that but I didn't try and mother like I would have done before.
The waiter came over and I said I wasn't ready yet. I asked h what he was having and he said that he was no longer drinking anymore. I just said 'oh really?' and he said yes, to see if that would help his tummy and said it had made a big difference. I smiled and said that was good news. Just a comment here, h used to hardly drink at all when he was with me. Maybe he has been drinking a lot more this past year. OW wrote on SIL's fb wall about being 'out on the lash' and how she was boring because she didn't get drunk. This is quite a clash in lifestyles.
We made some light chat about his parent’s puppy and the cat and he asked me how work was. I was very enthusiastic and told him about lots of the good things I was doing. H was very impressed and engaged well. I asked him how his was going and he looked quite miserable and said how much he hated it and how he was taking a 2 week holiday at Christmas and turning his phone off - this is UNHEARD of for him!! At this point his mobile went off, I couldn't see who it was but he cut whoever it was off.
I then said, so the finances... and he jumped in with yes, he'd heard some guy at work talk about a mortgage holiday and he thought that sounded like a good idea (he was over-explaining himself and babbling and was basically talking bollocks!) I just sat and listened and he said 'but you aren't very keen on that' and I replied no. I explained that while I could see that it was a good idea if we were together and paying the mortgage off in 25 years time, as that wasn't the case and we would be selling the interest would cut into the equity and combining that with the drop in house prices we would be losing money. H said he understood and that he hadn't thought of that. I said that just because our marriage was in the state it was in didn't mean that our finances had to suffer. I paused and said, we're both adults and this is just business we should be able to make this work. He looked relieved and settled back in his chair. I said that I had thought of several alternatives and I went through the various options (thank you Ali!).
I asked him what his needs were, whether he needed the cash from the house or whether he could afford to wait a while and see if the market picked up. He said he didn't need the cash. I also said that I wasn't sure I wanted to stay in the house and had several options available to me. I said that the house was big and awkward for me in terms of work and really it was meant for a couple or a family but that wasn't my life now so, although I love the house, I was ready for somewhere new. He looked a little sad and kind of nodded. He was really interested in some of the options I mentioned but I kept it cagey although did engage him a little in the discussion.
We talked about custody of the cat and he said that he thought I should have her. I said that I would like her but if it proved impossible would he be willing to have her for a while and he said yes.
I asked him if he'd brought the letter for me to sign about the car. He said no. I asked if he was selling our car and he said yes, then looked worried and said 'you don't mind do you?' I said no and asked him what he was thinking of getting (I know he has already bought it). He answered 'a Mercedes'. Then, sorry guys I couldn't help but balk a little and nearly burst out into 'well that's why your bloody broke, and your pushing me for money LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS!!!' but I kind of just did a little choke and he said that the little 'a classes' were good value. I smiled and moved the topic on, or else I would have got really angry.
He asked what whether I would consider a mortgage break for a short while over Christmas, and I said I would consider a break for 1 month possibly two (it would actually help me out too!!) but we would need to get things sorted in January.
We discussed the possibility of renting it out and I brought up the work that still needed to be done. He said that he wouldn't be able to come up before Christmas. I said fine, but it needs to be done before the house goes on the market to get the maximum price. He said he would take the morning off on Thursday and get agents round and we agreed that he would ask them about selling, renting and renting with a view to selling. We even agreed which agents he would ask. I had commented that the boiler needed looking at and he said he would call someone round to fix it on Thursday and would sort it out. I thanked him and said that would be really helpful.
I asked him about whether he had been round to the house with regards to the light and he said no and looked really worried about me. I asked what the time was and said that I had to go soon as I was going out; he said he was going to the theatre. I just smiled. Then he said, 'oh that reminds me' I bought these for you ages ago. It was Hershey’s, from when he went to America when he dropped the second bomb. He knows I love Hershey’s. I thanked him warmly and said I would look forward to eating it. This is the first present he has bought me for I don't know how long!
It sounds all very businesslike but I was warm and friendly and smiley. I looked good and was confident. He looked exhausted. His eyes looked like they had been punched they were so dark. He had quite bad dandruff - dry skin is a Chron's symptom and to be honest did not look terribly well. He had also lost weight which could be good or bad as he had put on so much. However severe weight loss is a clear sign that it may be coming back. If so I shudder to think how horrible it will be for him. I realise I can do nothing, and will just try and keep an eye from a safe distance. I will always be there for him if he ever needs me. I don't care what he does. Whether he ever asks me is a different matter.
Before I left we recapped and I said that we had been a little reticent and wary of each other in the past. He nodded. I said email communication had been a little slow because of this perhaps and he half smiled and said perhaps we could speed it up a bit. I said yes, there doesn't seem to be a need for us to be wary any longer and he agreed. Then we walked out (I had made the first move to go, h paid the bill and I let him) and walked to the tube station and said goodbye.
I have not emotions really, I think it was a very productive meeting and I think we achieved the goal of hopefully being more comfortable around each other.
All in all I am pleased with it, we worked together to come up with solutions, neither of us felt undermined and we have made progress. It sounds like it was all me talking but he did lots too and voluteered personal information and such-like and talked lots of trivia which was really good. I did lots of listening and validating and was light and friendly.
So maybe a good step in the communication stakes and making him feel more comfortable. I couldn't have done it without you guys (and of course Jody - which you might spot in there...)
