Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

LNMW (and others):

Thank you for your encouragement. I also believe my endeavor is honorable in working to reconcile my marriage and make my family whole again. I do realize that my mission will be tough and my my path will be unsure, but the end result that I am striving for is all worth it.

It's nice to actually hear from someone who believes that HOPE does exist in my sitch. I might have 1 or 2 friends, perhaps 1 brother, and HER family who would be happy if we were able to reconcile marriage. You see, in all of my discussions with my friends and family, I have never embellished the story, I have simply narrated the story of my life and XW is simply a central character. XW and her behavior are her own worst enemies in being accepted by my family and friends.

I remember seeing a counselor and relating the goings on to her and I kept saying, "She's not a bad person." The counselor told me to STOP saying that and asked me if I made anything up that I had related to her. Since I had not, she said this time isn't your time to defend her bad behavior towards you; it's your time to heal. That stuck with me that it's OK for me to see events clearly, and to relate those events to others without embellishments or exaggerations, but simply as a way to process and heal from hurts. Of course, I really wasn't ready to heal at that point; too busy beating myself up for my mistake.

You are absolutely correct regarding XW's unresolved hurt feelings. She keeps insisting that she has forgiven me, but she keeps lashing out, especially when she's been drinking. The other thing she kept doing is jumping from one boyfriend (affectionately termed DHs by me) to another to help her keep herself busy and focused on doing, rather than thinking, feeling, and healing. Right now, she is without a DH.

I believe she is trying to protect herself. Throughout our entire marriage, her mantra was, "I need to relax. I'm going out." I would tell her that I was perplexed by her 'need' to go out and relax and I told her that I relaxed by being with my family; my wife and my children. She didn't get it. I think she's starting to 'get it' now.

As far as XW peppering me, that has run the gamut of:

(1)XW drunk and yelling at me and our ex-neighbor about having an affair. This neighbor is married and we have never even remotely approached the topic of having an affair. I like her. I like her husband. I adore their kids.
(2)I try to control her and who she dates. This does NOT happen. I couldn't 'control' her while we were married and I know I certainly cannot control her (or even attempt to) in divorce. I simply look after my children and ensure they are safe.
(3) There are many more, and generally come in the form of a profanity-laced tirade, but for now I'll move forward.

I have learned to stay in control of myself when she is on a rant. I simply step back emotionally, stay calm, and make even, rational observations and responses about her and the situation. THAT drives her nuts. My counselor told me that that is because XW is used to triggering fights with me with certain behaviors and I have mucked up the exchange by refusing to play 'my part.' XW has told people recently that I am "calm ... eerily calm." Strange. Different, but strange nonetheless. I have shown her my calm, strong, decisive, rationale side and she seems to be warming up to it. She's definitely noticed that I am working on being different permanently. Additionally, when I refuse to engage her in nastiness, I am easily able to show compassion and understanding.

Yesterday afternoon I spent time with our children (her day), and I pulled out the majority of her Xmas stuff. I put lights on the tree and helped put up the ornaments. She continued touching me. Again, initiating touching has never been a strong suit of hers towards me and I ,of course, make nothing of it. At the end of the day, I told her I was going to leave and she asked me to stick around to be with her. VERY out of character with regard to me. I did, but she quickly began falling asleep and I nudged her to tell her that she was falling asleep and I was going to to ahead and go.

Today, I was holding our son and XW wanted a kiss from him. He refused, as 3-year olds sometimes do. I'm playfully leaning away from XW, pretending that my being THAT close to her was uncomfortable. XW then leans over to give/get a kiss from me. I did oblige this time, reading nothing into it...at least not discernibly to her anyway.

My reading about affairs and the emotions of being the spouse who was cheated on, says that the emotional trauma is worse than losing a loved one to death. I know that my affair was wrong then, is wrong today and would be wrong tomorrow. I truly do believe that despite her unwillingness (inability?) to show me that she loved me as her HUSBAND, and her belief that she really didn't love me as she should love her husband, she has come to find out that she really did love me much more than she thought she did.

I think that XW believed that losing me and losing my love and devotion for her was really not going to be a big deal. XW seemed to focus on how quickly she could replace me, and apparently she believed I could be easily replaced in her life. I have 'spent time' with a couple of women during our time apart, but I am always upfront and honest with any woman I 'spend time' with. I make it clear to them and XW knows that we are not in an exclusive, committed relationship with anyone other than my children, although my chasing relationships has been almost non-existent. I want my wife back. I want my famiy unit all together. I want my children to be from a 'whole' home, not a broken one.

I have been working diligently to make my children's lives as whole as I can in the midst of a less-than-ideal situation that they did not create. I've done pretty well so far. I am working to turn the post, and bring it home coming down the stretch. She's warming up to me. I simply need to continue improving who I am and continue working to trigger her attraction for me. Slow, steady, strong, calm, and sure. Without allowing my hopes to get out of control, I will continue working on reconciling my M. I will keep my expectations in check. I will continue to hold the door open for her return.

Tom

p.s. I have both of Michelle's books.