Please send me good karma!!....I'm gonna need it!

[Silent Chrleader]

I feel so depressed. I don't know what to do. Went out to dinner with H Friday, and then Saturday he came over to house to do work while I ran errands and did grocery shopping. Watched a comedy show with S17 and D24 Saturday evening. Things are tense. We both try to ignore the elephant in the room. We are not always successful.

In MC last week, at my request, C read symptoms of depression and H doesn't meet them, other than irritability. C said that H's feelings are because of specific issues not generalized (i.e. clinical). C also said we are so different in how we see things that C wonders if we actually lived through the past 27 years together! Now H wants to go back into IC with C instead of MC for the next couple weeks at least and I'm scared!

I feel like everyone is telling me my whole life I have been fooling myself and I really just need to face facts and realize that H never loved me and I just have to let him go. My family says he's made his decision already and is only in C at all because of guilt.

I read these boards and think, I need to get back my strength and DB like mad! But I don't know what that means anymore! I try to be positive and upbeat. I GAL and do things I enjoy even if by myself. But, H knows that I love him and want to re-build our marriage, and thus is guarded and distant and tense whenever we are together. So, should I continue to try to "be the greener grass", or should I go a little dimmer and detatch more?

We are ostensibly spending time together to see if we can even feel compfortable with each other, but there is so much water under the dam that I know H feels it's useless and I am afraid he's right sometimes!

I love my husband so very very much! I feel like crying all the time! I keep hearing in my head that saying about "if you love something set it free....." I know this makes sense in my head, but I don't think I have the strength to let go like that.

I'm so tired of this pain. I have never felt so alone.