One thing I do note about your situation is you both are acting from the position of fear. You can deny it if you wish, but I think you can't do tough love because you fear losing her. She won't run off because she to some degree fears losing you.
You are right. We are both operating from a position of fear and at the same time we have a very tight and close bond. I don't know what you would call it but we spend literally hours together every week and never seem to tire of each other's company. We banter with each other, make fun of each other and talk all the time.
The thing is, I did lose her in Janaury this year. That was horrendous but when she came back in April crying "reconciliation" then went back to OM 9 days later, I pulled the plug and came back to Australia then ended communication with her. The first two weeks were dreadful but after that I started to feel better and able to imagine a life without her. Then just over 3 weeks later she came back.
It would be much harder now psychologically for me to do tough love with her and I think W is afraid of me doing it, because I did it before and that was no fun for her at all. The reason it would be tougher now is because we have been spending every day together for nearly 7 months and DBing has worked as well as it can work whilst an EA/PA is still in progress. I guess we have reattached ourselves to each other.
Quote:
I wouldn't be able to continue this relationship, knowing she still had this other thing going on. During my time away from my wife (divorced from her actually) I did realize that life could be fine without her. I could kick her to the curb if she cheated on me. Can you function fine without her?
I did function (albeit suboptimally) without her when we were apart - particularly after I had decided to end all communication with her. But, leaving her now would be extremely tough to do - it would be like sawing off an arm. W even says because of my DBing that I am "making it very difficult for her to leave" and last night she said "the thought of you with another wife drives me nuts. You've messed up for 8 years at my expense and someone else gets to benefit." (?). I know her thinking is very, very messed up.
Oh, and this morning she has decided to wear her wedding ring for the first time in about two months. There was a week in September when she wore it most days then that stopped after OM announced his visit to Australia.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
