Disclaimer: for those of you who have been kind enough to read all of my posts, some of this will be repetitive, and clearly, it is long. I have good reasons: (a) I think it is good for me to revisit what I have done, to take stock and (b) it lays the foundation, in one place, for my current thinking.
In the DR MWD tells us to try things, watch and take note. I start to think things are getting worse, I just do not know for sure to what the "worse" applies.
When I started DBing on 10.21.08, I was applying the LRT. H and I had just met in person, at my request, and had a very emotionally charged R talk. I somehow had enough sense to tell him I accepted his decision (had not yet read the DR) but we did have a long, R talk. H agreed at that meeting that he would "try" spending time with me as friends though he doubted my ability to do it.
I stopped initiating any contact. It took H 10 days and then he sent an email. This was the first contact initiated by H since leaving in August. It was also the first time he did not say anything negative about me or us. Instead of insisting he was happy, he said he was miserable. I replied in a brief email validating his feelings and being supportive.
7 days later, H sent another email on his own initiative again telling me he is misearble. I replied in the same manner as the previous email.
10 days later, H called and invited me to meet him for lunch. This was my first real shot at showing him some positive changes. I did well, I was calm and collected. Talked about GAL activities. I looked and smelled good. There was no R talk at all.
My DB coach warned me H might retreat after this and that after some time had passed, I should send an email trying to ease H's guilt over the pain he has caused me. So I did. I had heard nothing from H for over two weeks, so I emailed H to tell him I understood his need to leave and that I accepted it. That I was learning to embrace the challenge of finding my own happiness and that I had already accomplished some self-improvement for my own sake and that I was proud of myself. That was almost 1 week ago and nothing.
Last night, had to call H to leave a voicemail re: upcoming md appointment. Nothing. I know not to have expectations and I do not. But, I will note that in the beginning of this, H would at least send an email thanking me for the business stuff. If I am applying the DB techniques, I think I should not overlook the change in behavior.
What I take away from this is that the LRT mighthave been working. I say "might" because H had already agreed to spend time with me as friends. When he called for the lunch, he said in his message and later in person that he called because "I said I would do this, so I am doing it." When he said that to me at lunch, I smiled and very nicely told him that he need not do anything out of obligation, that I had no expectations of him. So maybe that is why he stopped emailing or calling.
And even if LRT was working, it seems to have stopped working. I made an appointment to talk to my DB coach because I could really use some positive plan of action, even if that action is to do nothing. I really need some reinforcement that some of this is to be expected and that I am not completely bonkers for thinking we might reconcile one day.
I started this by stating that I am not sure where the "worse" applies. It may be very good for my situation that H is withdrawing more and more. If his depresseion/MLC is getting worse, maybe he is approaching rock bottom. I simply do not know. I accept that I cannot have the answer right now. I am just trying to sort out my next steps.
If you made it this far, I cannot thank you enough. If, in addition to making this far, you actually post something, I probably will never be able to repay you your kindness.
