H is always go.go.go.go...he can't sit still for a minute. Saturday he got me up at 6:00...off to breakfast...home to work around the house (we had a scheduled open house (our house is on the market) for Sunday). Rode 26 miles as it was beautiful here in the 60s...home to clean up...out for dinner...some minor Christmas shopping...home to bed almost 10 pm.....yesterday...up at 6:30....breakfast...church...home to finalize the finishing touches for the open house...off to bike another 26 miles...home at 3:30...shower, change, shopping for Christmas again...dinner...home to bed....
I'm exhausted. This is the kind of schedule we've been keeping on the weekends...I can't keep it up. There is no down time...no relaxation....we just keep "running" because H simply cannot sit still. If he does, he gets depressed, starts thinking about how awful his life is...how much he loves MOW and wants to be with her....so we keep on "running". I don't like it...I don't want to do it anymore....but I feel like I have to keep it up.
Nine groups went through the open house....the RE agent called and said one couple wants to see it again privately later this week. Yeah!!! Boo!!! I don't want to sell the house...I don't want to pack up all of our stuff and put it into storage and move in the the G.D. townhouse. But, on the other hand, we can't afford to keep making two mortgage payments anymore...something has to give....I just don't want it to be our home that gives....
I'm worrying out of turn I know. Just this nagging thing in the back of mind...that selling the house leaves one less string attached to our M....one less step to deal with so that H can just walk away. It makes me feel alone and vulnerable...home is my safety net...if it's gone, I feel like I won't have a safe place anymore.
My surgery is scheduled for Friday. H is supposedly taking the day off to take me and stay with me at home afterwards. Of course I am anticipating that he will have to "run out" and will be gone for hours (to see MOW no doubt)....so I'll be home alone anyway....why is he even bothering to take the time off?
My expectations are non-existent...but my hopes are for things to turn around...I'm getting antsy about making something happen one way or the other...but I know if I put that ultimatum out there...H will bolt...
Waiting to get through the holidays...and hoping for the best....I just can't emotionally handle any more stress right now...and I can't keep of this treadmill life....at least not on fast forward....I am exhausted.
Hugs.
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
