I was unfaithful #4

[Molly44]

Why does my H ( separated ) walk over my xmas tree, not offer advice or help with any of household problems, watch me struggle to do lawns, weed eat etc.

He is so distant and uninterested in me, although having said that, he knows where I am and what i am up to, as I have sole custody of teenagers, he has my pin numbers to all email and bank accounts. I on the other hand am left to wonder ! He is secretive by silence. I am not a angry , yelling type of person , yet he has in the last 6 weeks begun to treat me like the enemy.

Remember E/A snapped 2005. PA admitted April 08 although suspected by H throughout past years.

Is It still early days ?

[Molly44]

This morning one of my daughters is going to Rarotonga ( an island in the pacific )and I am taking her to the airport soon. I offered a lift to H who accepted. He works 10 min from the airport and it is not a large airport, that parking is differcult. Hmmmmmm

I noticed on our joint email account, an invitation came to me regarding a xmas party from one of his good friends. He knows it is on and has declined. I accepted. The email was regarding details etc. He did not open it. Normally he opens everything.

Ok this is where I need help. i keep analysing and second guessing everything he does or does not do. i struggle to keep it real. Anyone think that he is moving further away from me. We have not ML in 6 weeks and although he has made reference to it, I will not as I am not 100% sure that he has not slept around. i would be surprized if he had but not taking that risk. I have 3 kids to look after and I aint explainig how mum got an STD.

Men think and act so differently from us. H also tells anyone who matters that in a few years once he has had some relationships that have not worked out and I have had relationships that have not worked out , that we may get back together . WTF!

[Sanderika]

M,

I am an analyzer and second guesser with no control to be able to stop.

I do it to try and stay one step ahead of H. I also believe that I have learned so much of the time I am right because I know him so well. I can usually predict his behavior. I will admit I get hurt really bad in doing so as well.

I think your H is stepping back to sort out his feelings. I think you H sends suggestions your way to see how you will handle them. I for one have never turned my H down for sex. I did it repeatedly when I was depressed and it was not a good thing. My H thought I was unattracted to him and did not love him. I hurt him by turning him down, he did not understand my depression at all back then. I am not the same girl now I was then. I will not turn him down. The way I see it I need to make H know that I do desire him and want him. I am attracted to him and do love him. I will not hurt H in that way again. I know the risks. I go to the doctor all the time and get checked. I am so far so good and all is and has been fine. I am not condoning a sexual lifestyle of multiple partners. I am having sex with my H. That is how I have had to look at it. When my H seems aroused and flirty and suggestive with me I play along right with him. It is another way that I have been able to keep H in my life. I want him back. I have heard about all the cake-eating. Most say he's never going to change with all the cake. I hope he will. I have seen him change. It has been a long time coming but I have seen changes. I also realize that at any moment his absolute choice will be OW and I will never hear from him again. I am not delusional.

IMO your H is testing the waters. Your H wants to know if you share the same interest with him. IMO your H is looking for reaffirmation that you want him and your marriage. Sex could be the door opener that begins your reconcilation. I do not want to tell you what to do here, this is a very private subject. I have only given you my opinion.

I do not think H is moving further away from you. I think your H is keeping a distance to sort things out. The best thing you can do is respect that and let him be. BUT, if and when H comes around be friendly, sexy, kind and treat H well. Give H what he is looking for. H may appear that he is disinterested and may even seem mean. H will be watching and making mental notes. Again, constant and similar behavior of treating H well will pay off even if it's slow coming and has ups and downs.

I found too that H will run like h*ll when he realizes that he is getting too close to me. H doesn't have trust yet even though he is more comfortable and likes being around and with me. I think it is very typical behavior for them to do this. They will do it when they aren't ready to come back and be accepting of us completely. Then without warning they will return and things will seem on the right track again. I look at all of these as positive steps and each one brings him closer to a return.

You know he is waiting for you to slip up. A slip up from you will confirm his choice and you will lose any gained ground. Stay aware and be on your guard at all times. It's a tough job but you can do it. I did it and I still do...I don't see a return by my H any time to soon so I will stay the course.

Keep it up, nothing worth while comes easy......

Sanderika

[Molly44]

Hi - you are right i think when you say he is waiting for me to slip up. I think he watches from afar.

Today i looked so good and when i was at the airport, i got a lot of attention. i walked in front of him. i was lovely, agreeable etc etc. If he wants the other woman, he can have her. He has described her in derogatory terms and said if he sleeps with her then he would be just using her !!!! That is so out of character for H to say. Anyways i thought well bub , you dont want me ( and I know he does ) then I will at least make myself feel good by getting admiring looks !

I am not sure about the sex bit. Not sure now under what circumstances I be in position for it to happen. He keeps away and i would have to ask the question if he was sleeping with OW and i am not sure i want to know.

H certainly is not happy. His laugh seems forced around people and he seems deep in thought. Mind you he has been like this all year. Perhaps i do bring back awful feelings when he sees me. I can tell in his eyes though that they are warm towards me SOMETIMES.

If he does have awful feelings, when do they disappear? how do they disappear? I think on this forum i have been advised to give space for feelings to get back to normal. I feel space means distance.

thoughts anyone

[breakaway]

Have you ever read the book Controlling People? By Patricia Evans. It's not a how-to, darn it. LOL. I would consider reading that...and even maybe doing some net research on narcissism. See what you think... in regards to H, not you.

[Molly44]

Cheers for that breakaway. i will read up. Being in a small country we do not have on offer a huge range of books. we have millions but no where as extensive as the states. Will search internet.

Nice to have a lead on this type of behavior .

[mamanpc]

Oh Sanderika, you have been through SO much! my heart goes out to you and i do agree that time is on your side.

My own MLC (at least i think that's what it is/was) begain in 2004 and i have emerged from it last year only when my H decided to have OW live in our house with him after i left him. That was a 'wake up call' to me as i was realising at the same time that my sitch with OM was not all as green as it looked when i daydreamed about it and had my PA thrill on the side.

So i do very much agree with your approach and the fact that you have chosen to hang in there. Your sitch and your approach to is a real inspiration to me as i'm only just starting down that path. OW of my H also appears very needy and somewhat manipulative (or maybe that's wishful thinking on my part only!) so i also fear that she would push him to D. But for now that is not at all on the table and H is kind and considerate with me, likes/wants to ML end enjoys my company when i don't meltdown. Unfortunatley i did a big meltdown last Sun evening as it's the 1st weekend with him in this new sitch with the PA fully declared and begun. So after holding myself together all day on Sunday and we had a very nice time together i completely blew it in the evening because iw as thinking about monday and the weekdays coming up where i'd be gone and he'd be with OW. So not much sleep at all Sun evening for me and H - in fact he said that if i was going to do this every WE it would be a problem. So i've solemnly vowed to him and to myself that i will not disturb his sleep ever again.
I also must not talk about OW or R ever again either - a huge effort for me but i must i must i must be able to do it!
so thanks again for your support and showing me how to do this! i also feel sometimes that i know what to do next and other times that i've totally lost it and i'm helpless and that i'll fail.

[Molly44]

We all do vent here and we have good days and bad days and very very confused days. Today I started off good and then I spoke to my SIL which sent me spiralling down. Another trigger I need to avoid.

Then H rang ad i did to him what he often does to me -

I answered " Hi "
and when he said " oh it is me here "
I went Hmmmmph like a groan.

I wanted him to feel what I feel.

He went "OH OH "

and i said -" its Ok " and he proceeded to have a 30second conversation.

Not good Dbing and i feel even worse.

[Sanderika]

M,

If perhaps you answered the phone in a jovial "Hi" and then kept your voice friendly and greeted H like you were very happy to hear from him and then engaged in his conversation topic with empathy or agreement or concern or pleasure (you did not tell us what H wanted to talk about so I am throwing out all sorts of more positive responses) your conversation with H would have lasted more than 30 seconds.

They key here is to create the feelings in H that he wants to talk to you and comes to the conclusion each time that he in deed enjoyed talking to you. That will keep him coming towards you.

You also need to realize that they (our H's) will never feel just like we do when we do. They are men and their thought processes run more on the logic side of things than emotional like us. You were right it was poor DB to try that approach.

Now, next time H calls handle it in a different manner. Come up with a plan and a fun phrase to try on H, rehearse it until you think you can use it without faltering. Give H the unexpected behavoir from you.

You can do this, M....

Sanderika

[Molly44]

Hi - I feel so churned up when I think of other woman, that it clouds my judgement. I dont know if he is even with the OW but my imagination runs wild. He leaves me guessing and everything about him is cold.