Thanks for the continued support and advice, justwaitn and MC.
Justwaitn: It is tough to give up the physical stuff. I'm a very sexual person, and not having that connection is difficult. I suppose I could go out and get it elsewhere, but I honestly do not want to. I don't feel right about breaking my vows, and honestly, other men just don't interest me right now. I guess I'll just have to make do without. It's not the end of the world.
MC, thanks so much for the advice. My husband said the exact same thing in terms of everything being easier if I was angry. I just haven't been angry except in random moments that pass quickly, and I don't see a point in turning that anger on him even when I do feel it. In the end, I had a hand in this, so why be angry at him? And anger at myself is counterproductive and fruitless as well.
I made the same rationalizations on Saturday - I wanted it, and I'm his W and God is on my side so why not. Of course, I also had the moment where I chastised myself for giving in. Won't do it again even though I still don't truly regret it.
I think friendly but not a friend makes good sense. He needs to miss it all. I just keep fearing that friendly-but-not-a-friend is more of the same. I was always detached. I wasn't really there for him, you know? I mean, I started trying a couple of years ago to be more caring, but I wasn't trying all that hard.
But I was trying. Maybe there's a point in there somewhere.
Maybe I've been too hard on myself.
Maybe it is all about the A and everything else is a smokescreen.
If it's true and everything is about the A, he doesn't care about me and is just trying to make things easier on himself by not hurting me, and he's just trying to keep me from destroying him financially, then I don't know him at all. Then he's a stranger, and I could care less.
It's so hard to know what to think.
I feel such hope and love internally. I feel like we're not done. I feel love from him - and fear and guilt and insecurity. I feel like he's still the person I know and love - that even if the A is keeping him from making decisions and prompting him to run that in the end those other issues he's stated are the reasons the A became appealing.
But who knows. Maybe I'm just some dumb girl that's in denial and being naive. Maybe my level of denial is so deep that I'm creating this entire universe of change in myself to stop from facing the fact that my husband and friend might really be a huge jerk that wasted 11 years of my life.
Don't feel those things, but it's easy to think them.
Maybe it's just the Devil trying to win me back. This weekend, I felt so close to God. There was no doubt, no fear, no feeling of misinterpretation - just hope and love and trust. I still feel close, but there's all this whispering in my head. Doubt will be my biggest battle, I think.
In any case, friendly but not a friend. Got it. I'm not initiating contact, so I can role with that.
Thanks again. I have to make myself do some work today. I am completely avoiding my job responsibilities...
