I doubt it's MLC.. He's too young for that. It could be Quarter Life Crisis if you believe in that stuff. But from what I've read, that mostly a searching for redefinition of career goals.
I go back to the comment I made several days ago when I mention that he probably feels that you married down. I've felt the same with my W; she is one of the most physically attractive specimens on the planet. She always carried an air of ego that was much larger than mine and she fed on the attention of other guys. Whenever we were out she would either flat out ignore me or make condescending and insulting comments under the guise of being funny. All that took a toll on my self-esteem, especially since I already felt that she married down. Her actions seeemingly added to my convictions.
The only thing is that in the beginning, she pursued me, incessantly. So I've been conflicted. Now, I've come to recognize that it's not about me; it's her.
But what I want you to know is that I have, over the course of the last 3 years, stood by her side. I have had a few opportunitites to step out of my M and I didn't because of my faith and my kids. But I know that I fought it internally, constantly battling between what I know is right and what I thought I might find that my W wasn't giving me. All I wanted was someone to respect me and feel like I was at their level. I know the feeling to leave and pursue someone else; I've felt it. I never acted upon. I have put myself in some situations that I'm not proud of; but I never crossed a physical line.
I believe that Gucci is right in the fact that men do lie while having A's, for that matter so do women. I also believe that he wouldn't be leaving if not for the OW. At least, that's how I feel as a man. Hence his oscillation for the job in Africa. If it were just an internal problem not connected to the OW; I think he'd made his mind up much sooner.
You are doing good..keep pressing.
Congratulations of being saved this weekend; it's a life changing transformation. God Bless You.
Hey, marriedCrazy! Thanks for the response and support. It's so helpful.
I do agree about the marrying down assessment. I can sense it's been there for some time, and like your W, I certainly contributed to it. I tended to view him as an accessory, and I took jobs when i was being "funny" as well. So yes, that totally makes sense.
The OW is a waitress and 21. Young, immature, working a job that's light years away from mine - double his salary, big business mergers etc. I'm sure she's different from me in every possible way, and she' making him feel respected and like she's at/below his level.
What confuses me is how to fix things. Not sure what to do. I'm trying to just listen to God and follow what I feel is right, although sometimes that flies in the face of DBing and worries me.
Yeah, it makes sense about him not leaving except for the OW. It certainly had to be a catalyst for change, as it's not like there were other major triggers around the bomb drop. Also makes sense in terms of the confusion.
I'm just not sure what to do. Trying to make myself pause and listen....
Thanks for the congrats. Going to pray now and banish the ugly urge to compare myself to the OW. It's pointless, and I won't allow my PMA to degrade because of it.
Don't compare yourself to the OW; as you can read on many of the sitches here, the OP are almost always 180 different from the LBS. Don't know why, but they are.
My only piece of advice, that I meant to leave you with earlier; is to stop having sex with him while he's with the OW. It's counterproductive to making him miss you. Even if you only need or want the physical part; it allows him to get some of what he wants/misses from you without having to recommit to the M. You have to make him "miss" the M.
Yeah, comparing myself to the OW would be counterproductive, and I'm not letting myself go there. I know that in reality I wouldn't even want to be like her. I like me too much.
I know from a logical perspective that I shouldn't have slept with him. Taking stock of my Saturday, I still don't regret it, but I've also resolved not to do it again because I know that he does need to miss the M - to want and be unable to have.
Not sure I'll even be seeing him anytime soon, as there aren't many reasons for us to see one another except for him needing to pick up his bills. If he gets a PO Box and changes his address then even that excuse is gone.
In any case, I will not sleep with him again unless he recommits. Must keep repeating that one like a mantra.
Thanks for the advice, marriedCrazy. I appreciate it so much!
Hey, MC! Thinking about what you said about making him want/miss the marriage/things he wants from me.
He wants/misses our friendship. I'm sure of that. Does that I mean I should stop being friends with him? My coach says I should build on the friendship foundation, and my friend the psychologist/theologist maintains that detaching is the wrong tactic - of course he also told me I was correct in ML with my H this weekend. But I see the whole dropping the rope/LRT thing too.
Ah, confusion. I need to stop overthinking things. It's my brain that consistently trips me up in life....
It's so hard to give up the physical side of the relationship. I told my H (a few weeks ago when he said, for the 3rd time in 3 months, that he was thinking we needed to separate) that if that seriously was the case, then after the holidays we would do just that. BUT, between now and then, no sex. That we needed to start cutting those ties now because I wouldn't/couldn't be his friend with benefits during any S. (Boy was that hard...I like the physical side of our relationship.)
Of course, since he says he is now committed to our M the physical stuff is on. (Until he changes his mind again...dam roller-coaster just doesn't stop! LOL.)
Nas, I'll tell you what I did and I cannot begin to know if my sitch applies when the sexes are reversed (You know Mars and Venus issues). But when my W was having an affair back in mar. I knew about it before I confirmed it. Afterwards, we were discussing it and my W made a comment about much little self-control and lack of self-respect I had for having sex with her while I knew she was screwing someone else. That hurt!! and bad, because I realized it was true. I justified it in a couple of ways. One, because I loved her and I had "needs" and two, if she was going to have sex with someone, it might as well be with her H because that is how God wants it. But, truth is, I got used for a sex toy because OM was not available. It doesn't feel good to feel used.
I personally haven't experienced in my M where making my self available for sex or for friendship has encouraged my W to desire reconciliation. What I have experienced is that by being friendly, not her friend; has helped me keep from showing anger. That's what she said would make it easier to leave; if I was angry. So I suggest being friendly; but not his friend. Do you know what I mean? Keep the communication line friendly, not necessarily open all the time; but when you do communicate you do it in a friendly manner. It will make it easier for him to return.
Thanks for the continued support and advice, justwaitn and MC.
Justwaitn: It is tough to give up the physical stuff. I'm a very sexual person, and not having that connection is difficult. I suppose I could go out and get it elsewhere, but I honestly do not want to. I don't feel right about breaking my vows, and honestly, other men just don't interest me right now. I guess I'll just have to make do without. It's not the end of the world.
MC, thanks so much for the advice. My husband said the exact same thing in terms of everything being easier if I was angry. I just haven't been angry except in random moments that pass quickly, and I don't see a point in turning that anger on him even when I do feel it. In the end, I had a hand in this, so why be angry at him? And anger at myself is counterproductive and fruitless as well.
I made the same rationalizations on Saturday - I wanted it, and I'm his W and God is on my side so why not. Of course, I also had the moment where I chastised myself for giving in. Won't do it again even though I still don't truly regret it.
I think friendly but not a friend makes good sense. He needs to miss it all. I just keep fearing that friendly-but-not-a-friend is more of the same. I was always detached. I wasn't really there for him, you know? I mean, I started trying a couple of years ago to be more caring, but I wasn't trying all that hard.
But I was trying. Maybe there's a point in there somewhere.
Maybe I've been too hard on myself.
Maybe it is all about the A and everything else is a smokescreen.
If it's true and everything is about the A, he doesn't care about me and is just trying to make things easier on himself by not hurting me, and he's just trying to keep me from destroying him financially, then I don't know him at all. Then he's a stranger, and I could care less.
It's so hard to know what to think.
I feel such hope and love internally. I feel like we're not done. I feel love from him - and fear and guilt and insecurity. I feel like he's still the person I know and love - that even if the A is keeping him from making decisions and prompting him to run that in the end those other issues he's stated are the reasons the A became appealing.
But who knows. Maybe I'm just some dumb girl that's in denial and being naive. Maybe my level of denial is so deep that I'm creating this entire universe of change in myself to stop from facing the fact that my husband and friend might really be a huge jerk that wasted 11 years of my life.
Don't feel those things, but it's easy to think them.
Maybe it's just the Devil trying to win me back. This weekend, I felt so close to God. There was no doubt, no fear, no feeling of misinterpretation - just hope and love and trust. I still feel close, but there's all this whispering in my head. Doubt will be my biggest battle, I think.
In any case, friendly but not a friend. Got it. I'm not initiating contact, so I can role with that.
Thanks again. I have to make myself do some work today. I am completely avoiding my job responsibilities...
Thanks again. I have to make myself do some work today. I am completely avoiding my job responsibilities...
You wouldn't be the first on here to experience that either, I can assure you!!LOL
I hear you concerning detachment, and that it might not be a 180 for you. It's tough to say what works and what doesn't. What I can suggest is that you journal what has a positive response for you and continue with that action(s). What has a negative or no response; well, obviously discontinue that action(s).
Even if detachment is not a 180 for you; being friends with him can be detrimental for your emotional well-being and in the end DB'ing is for YOU. You are to make yourself a better, happier Nas. You don't love him any less; you just concentrate on yourself more. You drop the rope as it pertains to the relationship until he makes concrete action to return.
There are a myriad of ways you could perform 180s. I think you've started with your wardrobe when he's around. Take some time (when you're not supposed to be working!!) and write down some more areas where you could perform 180s. I can tell your writing and introspection that you shouldn't have any trouble doing this.
Being in denial is something I'm very familiar with. I have received accolades from some on the board for how detached I am. Truth is, I've been dealing with this sitch for 3 long years and I've only found DB in the last 4 months. Many have just started the journey and, luckily for them, have DB early on in their respective sitches. Detachment for me would have been extremely difficult three years ago. Getting beat down for so long has made it infinitely easier. So don't beat yourself up for being in denial and not able to detach.
In closing, I'll say this. Don't ever consider 11 years of your life with him as wasted. When you come through this, you will have used your experience to be a better person, no matter the outcome of your M. That's my take on my own M.
BTW, thanks for stopping by my thread. I appreciate it.
