I screwed up again

[AnotherNightmare]

Beth,

As I said I have been extremely busy the last couple of days. Part of it was that I wanted to clean the house before W came home. I thought I had done a pretty good job, but she just displayed her typical attitude finding a needle in a haystack. But more about that later...

On Friday morning, I had a meeting at my S8's school regarding his reading issues. He has improved quite a bit and is currently at the level that he needs to be at. It is not yet consistent, but with a little more support (that I have asked for and that the school is willing to provide) he should be able to pass the next tests at the appropriate fluency levels. It sounded like the guidance counselor and his teacher were quite happy to see me (instead of my W). Reading between the lines, it also sounded like they are close to completing the evaluation that my W insisted upon. This was one of our main issues leading up to the bomb. I felt she was obsessed with the idea that our S8 has some kind of learning disability, and she felt that I did not support her in the process (which is probably true). Anyway, further reading between the lines, I do not expect them to find anything. If this is true, this, of course, is potential for a further blow-up, because I expect her to see another "triumphant smile" on my face (just like when she told me about the EA), even though there will not be one. If he does not have any learning disability, I will be just happy for him.

On another note, when I dropped off my D5 at kindergarten, a friend commented on how much happier she looks when I (and not my W) drop her off. My W claims this is because D5 is much more attached to her. I am just wondering how she can forget that there was not a problem last year when she went to pre-school. I think it is because I spend time with her at home before she leaves and do not yell at her to get ready, because we are late. Again, no discussion about that with my W, just here to vent a little.

The remainder of Friday, I spent with work and watched some TV at night after the kids went to bed. I just did not feel like thinking about all this again and stayed away from the computer.

On Saturday, I prepared breakfast and then took my S8 to swimming. He is an excellent swimmer for his age and I always enjoy watching him. He does a perfect dive and a pretty good flip turn (actually better than me, but then, I am not a good swimmer at all). Coming home, I prepared lunch quickly. I started to think how funny it is that I can do it, and in our fights my W always said if you want me to take him there (I suggested that she could take him, because she claimed it did not count as spending time with the kids), you must prepare lunch. Our fights have always been on how we spend our (free) time. She counted my hours spent with kids and determined it was not enough. I never bothered and simply enjoyed the hours I have had with them.

After lunch we spent a little time playing all kinds of games, before we got ready to go to watch a hockey game in center city. The kids truly enjoyed it, even though they had a little fight in the car on the way back. But it was really the exception over the last 2 weeks, and I attribute it to their tiredness (it was very late for them).

So on Sunday we woke up a little late, had breakfast, spent some time together, I prepared lunch, and it was finally time to pick up my W from the airport. To my surprise, both kids did not want to come with me. Finally, I convinced at least my D5 to join me, while S8 stayed home with our exchange student.
When she came out of the building, it was not just the air that was icy cold. W climbed into the back of the car and talked to our D5. From what I picked up I almost felt she tried to convince her how great it was in Germany, with all her cousins, uncles and aunts. I was truly aggravated, but did not show any emotions. Then my D5 complained that I would allow her to play with a certain toy, and W said she would take a look at it. (Later I told her that I expect her to say something like you have to talk to Daddy about that - I thought, but did not say, you just went to a parenting seminar and you still don't get it.) I prepared dinner, and for the first time in 2 weeks, the kids did not sit at the table when it was ready (primarily because W did not come to the table either until later to - at least I feel that way - show her lack of respect). After the kids went to bed, she started to ask about the Friday meeting at school.

I told her about it and we somehow ended up talking about what was best for the children. She restated that she wanted to take them to Germany. I validated that, but also told her that I had a different opinion. Based on scientific studies, it would be best for the kids to grow up with both parents, ideally in a M, but if that was not possible, then at least co-parenting. She repeated I could come to Germany as well to co-parent there. Well, I said, I hear you, but that is not the only option I am considering. So I referred to the Retrouvaille material, which she had already found at that point and had briefly read across. I told her that I understood how she felt about me and I agreed with her that continuing the M with the current tension did not make sense. I also let her know I had realized over the last 2 weeks that I had walked away from the M emotionally and I was not sure either if that could be repaired. But in the interest of the kids, I would consider a genuine attempt to rediscover what we used to have - or maybe just discover what was still left. She added that the kids alone were not a good reason to hold on to a M. I agreed with her, but also added that I considered them a good enough reason to at least make an attempt. All I was expecting from her was a simple "yes" or "no" when she was ready to make that decision.

There were a couple more exchanges, and some of them surely did not go extremely well. One thing she asked me out of the blue was what I felt she did wrong in our M. I told her that I felt she did not let me lead in our R (gave her an example for that) and that I did not get her respect and gave her the example about doing "imperfect" jobs around the house (like the cleaning up I did this time) and how she reacted to it. Not knowing DB, she did not validate, but claimed the opposite was true, which I then validated her feelings on. The examples were not really all that offensive, but I had to back up what I said.

Only once I had to openly disagree with her when she claimed I forced her into this. I told her that I have probably caused a lot of the negative feelings she has, but she made the decision to get an OM as her penpal and to end our M. I did not make that decision for her, she made it on her own.

I am not sure if this was good or bad. I guess I said what I wanted to say, and I believe she heard me. I am sure her "well-meaning fiends" (like MWD calls them) including OM will help her twist the words in my mouth post-mortem, but there is nothing I can do about that. She asked a rhetorical question why I was doing this and answered it by saying "so that I could say at the end I tried everything, but you did not want to". Again, I validated (I am sorry you feel that way) and shut up.

Looking forward to comments on how I could have improved. I certainly feel a little better and happier today. I feel I had a good two weeks as Mr. Mom and will not let her talk me down on that.

AN