I found myself on and off my own roller coaster over the last couple days...mostly on Sunday...when I just felt very sad for my wife - and wished so much that she could find a way to heal...I miss my life with my wife so much sometimes...the good times, of which there were many - though I do have to be careful about forgetting the bad - since it's the bad stuff that needs to change if there's even a remote chance of our getting back together in the future.
Right now...when I think of the person she has become toward me, I couldn't imagine being together. But my love for her is still there...I feel it in me right now as I'm typing - and I felt is this morning when I was talking with my T. We agreed that I have to continue to move forward with me life - and focus on myself as a way of focusing on my children - and that I can't just put my life on hold in the hope that my wife might come out of her crises.
I don't know if here mother is still here or if she's already gone back home. I got an email from my W yesterday afternoon asking me about our baby's winter boots and also letting me know that she had mistakenly used my account to pay her credit card this month. I hadn't asked her about that - so it was good to see that she's trying to address things like that.
Last night I called to talk with my baby boy and say goodnight - I ended up leaving a message - but then she did call back around 9pm (which I thought was very late for S2) - and handed him the phone for me to say hi and I love you...
I have a lot to do this week - but I'm already looking forward to this weekend - since my S11 and I have decided to celebrate our little Christmas together on Saturday. I'm going to get a simple tree and decorate as best I can...I'm also going to ask my W is she wants some of the ornaments for her place.
My father called me yesterday from South America...and it looks like he'll be staying there for a long time - at least until August of next year. So...it will just be my S11, my mom and me for the holidays - a small affair - but I'm going to do my best to make it a fun trip for him...I just hope I don't fall apart completely not having my baby boy with me for his second Christmas...just thinking of that hurts like mad...
