Is she cheating??? Please respond!!

[sandycay]

180's = doing things different than you have before.

Yes, you should have stayed in CA. Treat her as you would a neighbor. That's how I was. I NEVER engaged in R talks, fights, his poor woes me conversations. We NEVER fought about anything because that would have made it easier for him to do what he is doing. His thoughts would have been "See, she's a bi*tch, that's why this is ok)

When we discussed money, he would say.. "I guess I will live in my car, or move to Australia and live in a tent"."
Normally I would have felt the need to fix those feelings for him and argue him out of feeling like that. My 180 reply was "Gosh, I am so grateful that you are being so supportive of us, it really means a lot to me. I know this is going to be hard but we will find a way to make it work". Very infrequently I would add a "it doesn't have to be this way". That was as close to Relationship talk as I would get.

My husband also used the hostage anology with me. I learned when he seemed mad at me about something I just validated what he was feeling "I'm sorry you feel that way", or " I can see how you feel like that". I don't recall if you have kids together.

These are some good phrases to use. Your neither agreeing nor disagreeing and it diffuses the conversation. My other favorite phrase to say was "sure". He would be talking about things I did wrong, how I made him feel unloved and disrespected and even if his memory was wrong in what he was recounting I NEVER corrected him I would just nod my head, smile and say sure...Not disagreeing or agreeing. Do not engage.

I will say that I never did not love my husband but point blank I treated him badly. Why? Because somewhere along the line he let me get away with it because he didn't want to fight me. I was good at manipulation. But, I have learned my lesson and it was the hard way.