Sunday night I had my first chance for ML in 3 weeks. She took her "green light" shower before bedtime. It was so late though by the time we got in bed. It was another 11th hour Sunday night obligation from her. She came to bed in one of her ugly baggy flannel nightshirt things. I didn't want any part of it and acted like I was asleep when she turned the light off.
With my back to her, I lay there wondering how much longer I can stay in a relationship that ended so many years ago (never even became a full relationship really). I don't even know this woman and she doesn't know me. How could we be together so long and yet not really know one another? I don't even know her dreams, her fantasies or her desires because she won't share them with me. I would share mine with her but she doesn't want to hear them or thinks they are silly. Not only are we sex-starved, we are intimacy-starved as well.
She started to touch my back, although her hand was on top of the covers. I couldn't feel her fingers touching because there was too much between us. It was just like our whole relationship, the layers between us never have allowed us to get really close, to really touch each other, truly know one another. If she had just put her hand under the covers to show that she really wanted to touch me. She didn't so I lay there pretending like I'm asleep. I didn't want to start anything with her again because it would give me false hope that things will ever change between us.
I realize now that she will never open herself to me. She doesn't want this and there is nothing left in me to fight for it anymore. I have given all that I can to this and still nothing has changed. I feel so empty and sad right now. The worst thing is that she has no idea what I am feeling. I can't share this with her now because I just don't want to anymore.
