Another Wife Hit By The Bomb #4

[Amy M]

To, echo what Sandi said above...I heard an excellent explanation of the "I'm sorry" thing once...and, yes, Tawnya, I say it too all the time!!!

The explanation was given it the context of how men and women view the phrase differently. Typically woman use those words to emphathize. For example, I tell you a really sad story about my sitch, and it's natural for you to say to me, "Ah, Amy, I'm so sorry." I know you aren't taking responsibility for my sadness. You are simply telling me that you understand my sadness and that you care for me.

Men, on the otherhand, use those words to take responsibility for something they have done that has injured someone. And, in fact, they typically only say, "I'm sorry" if they feel they have knowingly done something that hurt. And, men typically deal with each interaction in terms of hierarchy. They enter every conversation subconciously saying..."in this convo. he's above me because he makes more money than me..." or something like that. Because of that, immediately, when dealing with a man, if you say, "I'm sorry" you are putting yourself in a lower position right off the bat. That makes it much harder for him to fully respect you because in subconsciously he's better than you already.

I've noticed it more lately as I talk to friends who are guys...sometimes I say, "I'm sorry" when they tell me about something that made them unhappy. Twice in the last 2 weeks I've had a male friend respond to that with, "Well, it's not your fault." So, I see it! I think you and I should both work really hard on that...especially in our dealings with men. However, when you talk to me, I'd still like you to say that you're sorry when I'm sad!!!!

And, on that note, I'M SORRY your H was a pain last night. I don't know if his moving would make things better, but in some ways it would make things easier!!! Just keep hanging in there and venting here.

Hugs to you!!
Amy

[mulesqb]

{{Amy}} I did work today and then had to clean after, so I didn't get home until around 5:30..blah..long day I haven't been able to go to church for the past few weeks, and I'm bummed about that, but I am off next Sunday..hooray And the NEXT Sunday, I'll be out of town

Ugh..was gonna come on here and ask advice about something to say or not say to hub, was gonna be good and wait 2 days, but, hub walked in, started a similar discussion, and whammo..LOL..I said it anyway..we had a small blow out..so, if anger is good, then I guess he still has some emotions for me Anyway..we ended it ok I suppose..but whatever..

I ended by asking him if he was planning to take our dog, really it's HIS, he spent more time with him and really wanted him when we got him, when he moved out (I think I liked to give him the idea that I am thinking he's gonna move and not be freaked about it)..anyway..he said "not right away" and I was like "well I would think you'd look for a place you could take him" and he was like "I don't know what I'll have for money"..and I said, to the dog, "I guess I'll have to put up with you for a little longer", hub said "Yep" and then I said, "technically, I don't HAVE to..but I will" and he said, "you're right"..

What our "discussion" boiled down to is that, for the past 2 days, every time my husband even speaks to me it's "why isn't this done, did you do this"..in an accusatory way..for example, even AFTER we had the discussion, he asks me if the dog has eaten yet, but instead of saying it like THAT, he says, "I guess the dog hasn't eaten yet"..and I was like, "hello..THAT was accusatory"...

my hub has always had a tendency to be negative and I think this is really bringing out the negativity in him..without me as his "governor" so to speak..I would be the one to be like "hon, calm down" or something like that..

Anyway..with the accusatory thing, at the end of it, I apologized for not following my own rule about letting things go for a few days and seeing if it was worth talking about, but that I would appreciate it if he was respectful to me as I am being to him. He apologized and said that was true and that he didn't mean to blow up at me..so..ugh..

I also told him that I should have known when he called it would be for something negative, as he doesn't call for anything else and he asked, "like what", and I'm like, "well you use to just call to tell me how your day was, or that you were working late or whatever"..and then I said, "not that I would expect that now" THEN I was like, "yeah..why not? I said I'm not the enemy, according to you, so why not call me and be like, hey Tawnya, was just calling to say hi, or calling to say I'm working late or whatever"..cause I told him HE didn't like it when I nagged him so, I told him, if I knew that was why he called me tonight was to gripe at me for something, then I wouldn't have answered the phone and waited to be griped at later rather than in the middle of a movie I was watching with my daughter!

Anywayyyyyyyyyyyyy..LOL..I'm tired of the crap..maybe he does need to move for a while so he could actually miss me or not..well he SHOULD miss me anyway LOL

Sorry..I wrote a novel and didn't mean to..guess I should be glad I have this site as my journaling

Thanks for reading!

Tawnya

Hey Tawnya - A couple of things. One thing that helped me was to have NO EXPECTATIONS from your H. When he calls - don't expect him to all of a sudden start telling you about his day and asking you how yours is going. Remember he is much farther along than you are in being detached. So he is not capable of those types of calls right now. So don't be disappointed about them. Just understand the sitch.

I also would set boundaries on being respectful. If he can't be respectful to you - he should get out. You don't deserve to be treated that way. No one does.

Regarding the dog - do you want the dog??? If not, this is what H wants, then he needs to deal with the fallout - one thing which is the dog. Don't make it easier for him. I would say something like: so what is your plan for your dog when you move out?? Don't make any of this easier for him.

Also - don't get dragged into his drama. If he says I guess the dog hasn't eaten yet - say "good guess" and walk away.

What are you doing for Tawnya lately?? Sorry if I'm not up to date on everything. But it seems like you are reacting to his moods (I could write a book on doing that).

I hope you are feeling better today.

[Tawnya]

{{{{SMW}}}}}..dang..I wish I would have thought of that..I went on FB to see if anyone was on..no one was..I would have done it in a second..

Thank you my friend!

[Tawnya]

{{{Amy}}} I will remember that about the men and women, I don't think I'd heard that before..ok..we will definitely have to work on it Now that it's in my brain, I will truly hear myself saying it more Thank you my friend and I appreciate your empathy!! I dunno if it would be easier for him to go or not..nights like last night it would have been LOL

{{{Mules}}} With the phone calls..I don't EVER get them from hub, and not that I would expect him TO call and say "hey..how are ya"..LOL..but I DON"T appreciate the once in the blue moon that he calls to gripe me out about something I Didn't even know or wasn't communicated properly in the first place..that's what tweaked me

About the dog, that IS what I asked him about taking the dog with him and he was like "I can't right now"..but..you know, you are right..I shouldn't be like "ok well I have to keep the dog because you can't"..I should be like, "well I don't have time to take the proper care of him here, so you need to figure that out before you go" or something like that. HE always throws in that I was the one who wanted the dog..but, in reality we were both looking for a dog, he chose the type of dog he wanted us to get, we found one at a shelter, and I DID make the "let's go ahead and get him now" plea, so he alwayas throws that back at me LOL! But..good point and in a few days I may broach that subject again. He's just a BIG dog and hard to handle sometimes..my daughter and I would much prefer a little dog (I know..a girly dog LOL..but still)

You are right about the drama, my hub has seemed pretty angry about who knows what the past few days, not really directed at me, I can tell when he's playing his xbox live, he's like yelling at the guys or whatever..I do need to work on not getting sucked into it..Sat night I was really good about not doing that..LOL..but I think just the 3-4 interactions about "was this not done, why is this happening, did you do this" was more than I could deal with from him...

Well..Mules..I have been good and bad about doing stuff for Tawnya..a night last week, went out with daughter and had a great time, just goofing off, Friday went to walk around the mall just to get OUT of the house, Sat and Sun I worked, BUT..starting this Wed I"m going to take a taiji (like tai chi) class and I'm VERY excited about this!!

Thank you very much for checking in and I am doing a bit better today..going to take son jeans shopping and then take daughter to look at cars later today..so my day should be pretty good and light

Tawnya

[Tomato]

LOL {{{Tomato}}} I hope you can find a way to like me anyway

I truly agree with you and it's just a habit, obviously, I've gotten into without even realizing it!! Something else for me to work on!

Thank you..I'd love a shining start, as this night has stunk big time, just had a crying FIT..even had to go outside in the 20's weather just to feel like I could breathe..I felt like I just had to get OUT..if I could have run or driven somewhere, but it was like midnight, I would have done it..totally panic attack time..some days I just don't know how the heck I am going to make it thru this craziness..but I know God is there and that He won't give me more than I can bear..but..it feels pretty close...

Thank you for the peace and prayers..I need them both

Tawnya

Even though by and large things have been trending positve for me in the fairly recent past, I echo your sentiments here in this post as yesterday was at the very least a very tumultuous day for me. I am fortunate that I am not a panic attack sufferer but I reside on the fringes when it comes to a wrecking ball being swung at my M.

[sandi2]

In reviewing the posts after mine, I had a thought that I find is somewhat fasinating. I could be wrong, of course, but we could think about this and toss it around. Do you all think that the people (women especially) who are very affectionate and need affection as their primary LL, are the ones who are so quick to come out with the "I'm sorry"? I have thought about this and it seems the ones that I know personally are that way. Now, I realize that physical affection is not my LL and so I get upset when women "ask" their H's for a hug! I really do! B/c I want them to have more "spunk" and backbone and tell their H's where they can put that hug! However, I realize that everyone in the world is not like I am (thank goodness) and therefore they do not see things from my eyes. I do find it rather odd that the people I know who are so fast to want to make their S comfortable, happy, or whatever and they are very quick to lavish them with compliments and try to stay on the good side of them.......are always the ones that are soooo quick to say, "I'm sorry" even if they have done nothing. The H can just come home in a bad mood and the W starts saying "I'm sorry" trying to get him to mellow out a little bit. I suppose I have seen this in cases that were very close to being called "abusive" until it just does something to me. But, I am not declaring that all are abusive.....not at all! I think most of it is the personality of one spouse and then the other spouse begins to take advantage of it. I also believe that others around them will do the same. Not to offend anyone....please know that I do not mean this in an offensive way at all but to try to put in a picture of how I think some people see "I'm sorry" people......is like a puppy dog that follows along after them trying to lick them to show affection and hoping that the "master" will take time to pat their head. I apologize if that made any of you mad. But I hope that you will think about it.

Maybe we can think of words to say instead of "I'm sorry". I have notice that nearly all of us greet a new poster by saying, "I'm sorry you are here". I could express it a different way and still show our concern. I would like to talk more about this, but have to run. Maybe later.

Sandi

[Amy M]

And, in answer to Sandi's question above, physical touch (affection)is one of my primary LL's!

[Tawnya]

Actually, Sandi, I don't take it in a bad way and was thinking as I was reading it, "that is probably right on the nose" at least in my case..I actually said something to hub last night, gosh I can't exactly remember, during our argument, I had asked him to listen to me, and he was looking at the TV (which has always tweaked me) and I said, "I am not asking for much of your time, just a few minutes" and he's like "I'm listening to you aren't I" and I was like, "don't be acting like you are giving me a crumb of your time, I would like you to look at me while you are listening"..

Thinking about what you said about the dog makes me think about this story I heard a Christian speaker, Joyce Meyer, say once..she said that we, as Christians, sometimes think we are like the "dogs who should be happy to get the crumbs off the floor" instead of who God made us to be, people sitting AT the table..

Thank you..you've probably really hit onto something..

Tawnya

[VeronicaV]

Tawnya,

Just checking in with you. How are you today? How are you feeling?

Beth

[sandi2]

Tawnya, I too have been thinking since I sent that post. There is something that I should say about you folks that are so affectionate and want to please others and whose LL is physical touch (and I hope the others are looking in also) and that is I believe you all have a very loving and gentle heart that is so full of love and affection for everyone that those of us who are not quite built the same way would like to be more like you in some ways but find it difficult to understand why you do settle for the crumbs in other ways, so to speak. I believe that people like you and some of the other girls here are so giving of themselves and feel so deeply. You have so much love to give. I have often thought of my sister who is like some of you that give and give and give and receive nothing in return and become a doormat in every situation........if she had a H like mine....she would think she had died and gone to Heaven! And, if he had a W like her, he would probably think the same....lol. Sometimes, I get so frustrated with her that I want to shake her until her liver rattles! I want her to stand up for herself and tell that sorry excuse for a H off and stop taking his crap. I know.....I just know that he would be a different man over night...once he got over the shock. I have told her for years that he would respect her if she would stop licking his shoes all the time. She says she knows but can't help it. That is the part I don't get. Why can't she help it? I don't buy it. I think she could help it if she wanted to bad enough. If she had enough self respect, I think she would make him respect her. I can promise you one thing.....this ole gal would not put up with him for two minutes....and he knows that I wouldn't. So, see, they know who they can mistreat and who they can't. Do you agree?

So, anyway, I just wanted to come back and say that you all have much to give and don't be sorry for that. I think it is wonderful. However, I believe it makes it very difficult for you to not be more "spunky" and demand respect and not bend over backward to try to make everything all warm and fuzzy for your H. The sad thing is......he does not appreciate it. That is why sorry H's end up with sweet girls and good guys ends up with a b*tch. It seems that way, doesn't it? But, I believe God gives us the power to change that if we want to badly enough. Do you?

BTW, I love Joyce Meyer. I have learned a lot from her. I think she would be the first to tell you that a Christian does not have to lie down and be a rug for people to walk on.

I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you and any of the others who has this type of .......what should I call it? Anyway, if you all can work together on this little project we've got going breaking the habit of saying "I'm sorry"......I believe it will be interesting to hear the results of that. I think it would be interesting to hear some experiences of what happened and what words were used in place of "I'm sorry".

We can always say, "my mistake"......"I apologize"......"opps"....."they just don't make this asiles wide enough, do they?"......"Oh, I didn't see that"......."that's too bad"........"I hate that you are going through this"......"is there anything I can do"......we could go on and on, but maybe others will chime in and give some ideas. Again, I believe it has become more of a habit than anything else. Habits are hard to break.....but they can be broken!!

Tawnya, about your H not listening and watching TV.....honey that was my number one complaint about my H for all these years. But, after my EA with OM, he listens when I say anything. I try to pick a time that I know he isn't real interested in a program, and it may wear off after a while....I don't know. But I can understand fully how frustrated you are. Have you ever thought of some way that you could show him how it felt? Something that would get the picture through to his mind. Gary Smalley talks about using word pictures with men and sometimes that helps. Is there any particular time that he is talkative? Like when he first comes home from work? Or, is he like mine and doesn't ever want to talk? Let me know and I'll try to be thinking of something that might work.

Take care,
Sandi